AllFreeNovel
Share Us
THIRTY-SIX
Harper
My back wasto the door as I cleaned the blackboard.
It was the end of the longest Monday I had ever endured, and I couldn’t wait to get home to curl up in a ball and cry again. I knew I should go to the store and get something to eat on my way back to my place, but I wasn’t hungry.
I hadn’t eaten since Raya had brought food on Saturday, and the only reason I had been able to eat it was because of the fact we were drinking, too. Then, I had been so down in the dumps yesterday along with being hungover from all the wine, I hadn’t wanted to eat anything then, either.
I skipped packing a lunch that day, making up an excuse to Samantha when she asked me if I was going to eat anything when she came in from recess to use the restroom. I made up something about eating later on, and that seemed to satisfy her for the moment, though I knew she could see there was something wrong with me.
It had been a long weekend. The first since the breakup, and though Raya came over and insisted on drinking 3 bottles of wine with me on Saturday, I wound up crying into her shoulder that night, then spending most of the day before crying, too.
She told me more than once to talk to Trevor, but I honestly didn’t know what to even say to him at this point. I asked Raya for advice on what she would say to a guy if she were in the situation I was in, but I had to remember that this was Raya, and Trevor was Trevor.
They weren’t alike in any way, and though he had been my boyfriend and she was my best friend, it didn’t mean they would think the same way about anything. So, what she would tell him might not really be the best thing in the world to tell him, even if it did seem like the right thing to her.
But, she kept her advice vague. It was smart to be generic when you were talking to someone else about their partner, and she was trying to give me advice of things I could say that would be things anyone who had just gotten into a breakup fight would say to their now ex-partner.
“Just tell him that the argument was stupid, and you didn’t mean it when you said he should go off to Texas or whatever. Or just tell him that the argument was stupid, and you don’t want to breakup. I don’t know, but girl, you are ugly crying right now, and the last time I saw you ugly cry over a guy was when your favorite character died in our drama.”
She was right. I never got attached to men like that. I had been through a couple tough breakups, but this was the first breakup I had ever experienced that I would consider actually rough.
“I don’t know. I just didn’t think that a breakup would hurt this bad. I mean, I knew they sucked. I’ve been through some pain before, but this is totally knocking me off my feet, and I don’t know how long I can go on like this,” I told her.
“It’s one day at a time. One thing at a time. I know it’s hard, but you gotta keep pushing through like you would with any other loss in your life. They always suck, but they always get better, too. Just give it time and take care of yourself as best you can during the process. I’ll be checking in with you occasionally, too, just to make sure you’re doing okay,” Raya told me.
“Thank you, I do appreciate it. I’m not going to tell my mom though, so if you see her again before I do, please don’t say anything,” I asked.
“I’m not going to tell her. You have this all on you, girl. Just please let me know if you need anything at all. I know you’re not in the mood to go out anywhere, but I don’t mind going out to get you something. If you decide you want anything at all, I don’t care what time of day or night it is, you give me a call and let me know, okay?” she asked.
At first, I told her I was fine, but she kept insisting that I promise I would give her a call if I needed anything until I finally did. It was the only way she would leave me alone and I could get to bed, though even going to bed wasn’t the solution.
It didn’t seem to matter what I was trying to do to take care of myself in this. It was the most painful thing my heart had been through since my father had died, and even then, this was a different kind of pain than that was. With that, I was able to mourn but still take care of myself.
If it wasn’t for Raya coming over, I wouldn’t have done a thing for myself today. I wasn’t hungry, I was exhausted, but sleep was fitful.
I tossed and turned all night, and when I did sleep, it was nightmares. Then when I woke up, all I could think about was Trevor and the fact that I had messed things up with him. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t know what to say.
I hadn’t told my mother that we’d broken up. I didn’t want her to be upset about it right after we had talked last Sunday about how things were going to work out for the two of us with time. I knew my mom hoped for that for us, but she didn’t have the power to make it happen, and evidently neither did I.
I would find the right time to tell her, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I wanted to get through some of the pain myself before I told her what was going on. I knew she was going to have questions, and the last thing I wanted was to snap at her or to get impatient with her over the fact I might not have answers to those questions.
Right now, it seemed impossible for anything to get better. I felt I was going to be that miserable old spinster of a teacher, and in thirty years, these kids’ kids would be coming through, and I would be the one teaching them, and it would be a never ending cycle that would keep me stuck for the rest of my miserable life.
I knew it was a bleak outlook to have, but I couldn’t help it. I genuinely believed I had fallen in love with Trevor, and now that he was gone, I felt like a huge hole had been torn right into the center of my heart, and there was a massive piece of my world missing. My phone was oddly quiet, and I didn’t have any friends.
Of course, that also wasn’t true, but it felt like I was alone in the world. I felt that I had lost the one person who was getting ready to dive into life with me – someone who wanted to be my partner as I made my way through life – someone I could spend the rest of my life being with and loving.
Now, I felt there was a massive hole in place of that beautiful thought, and I wasn’t sure what steps to take to even hope to fix it. I had always been so good alone, I didn’t think I was ever going to fall for someone that hard. But then, I allowed it to happen, and here I was.
My heart was broken, and I had to try to get through the school day as though nothing at all was wrong. It was tough with all the students staring at me. They were incredibly perceptive, and I knew they could sense there was something wrong.
But, I wasn’t going to tell the entire class my personal problems. I was the teacher, after all, and I had to be the adult. It wasn’t always easy working with a bunch of kids all day long. Not when there were things on my mind I wished I could let out, but I made do with it. This was my calling, my passion.
With Trevor gone and my mom’s health, I felt it was just a matter of time before the class would be the only thing I had going for me in my life, and I didn’t want to even think of that.
“Miss Dennis?” a small voice said.
