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She spoke up. “Listen, I know it sucks to think about, but you’ve got to realize that you’re needed. There are a lot of people out there who need you, and if you are going to be the person you need to be to them, then you’ve got to do the right thing for you. And I don’t think that’s bringing your mom home with you. And you’re just borrowing trouble anyway. Didn’t you just go over there yesterday and say how good she looked?”
“I know, but I guess you could say that it’s something always on the back of my mind,” I said. “I do think she looks good, but then I think about how hard it’ll be to lose her or to deal with this if it comes back.”
“That’s just it,” Raya interrupted me. “If it comes back. You act like she’s dying, but you don’t even know for sure it will come back.”
“It always comes back.” I sighed. She gave me a look and I apologized. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being a downer right now, and there’s a chance that it’s not going to come back, you’re right about that. But I’m worried. There’s a good chance that it could come back, and if it does, I don’t know what to do.”
“Just stay positive,” Raya told me. “I’m here for you, and you’re here for your mom. You know you’ve got the support of your class, too, and if you don’t let yourself even consider that they could go anywhere, you have more energy to put into your day.”
“Right.” I nodded. “I guess I don’t have to plan on them going anywhere when nothing has happened yet. I’m just nervous about meeting with this doctor tomorrow. My mom has seen him once more, but I want to be able to talk to him and get a feel for who he is. He’s some new guy, so you know, I’m nervous.”
“You would be nervous if he was some miracle worker. It’s what you do with your time. You get nervous,” Raya said.
I laughed.
“Alright, alright, easy,” I said. “But yes, you’re right. I do get a little nervous about some things, and I’m going to make sure I get to talk to him. I want to know everything that’s going on, and I want to talk to someone who isn’t going to get confused or forget about something I should know about.”
“I’m sure any good oncologist is going to be on the ball when it comes to giving you the information you need,” Raya assured me.
I nodded but turned down another drink.
“It’s only Wednesday.” I laughed as she ordered another.
“I don’t care what day of the week it is. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t have to worry about what I’m putting in my body during the week,” she said.
“I’m more worried about you getting a bad habit,” I replied, but my friend just stuck her tongue out at me.
With a shake of my head, I chose not to argue with her further. It was only her third glass, and I wasn’t going to judge. If she didn’t have anything to do with herself, then I was fine with letting her have another glass. I could be the one to drive us both back home if need be.
I didn’t drink because I didn’t want to deal with the headache I was bound to get if I had more than just a single glass of wine. Dealing with a classroom full of rambunctious kids with a migraine was just about the worst thing I could imagine, and I didn’t want to risk it happening.
There was a chance if I cut myself off this early in the afternoon that I could kick the headache before it settled in, but I didn’t want any of the kids’ parents to see me out here, either. It wasn’t any of their business what I did in my free time, but I also didn’t want them to think that I was teaching a school full of kids, then going and getting drunk as soon as possible after school was out for the day.
These were the things I paid attention to as I went through my day away from the school, and Raya was pretty good about not only supporting me but doing them herself. Though, there were times like today when she felt she wanted to have that little bit extra, and I wasn’t going to be the one to rain on her parade.
For my own part, I was fine with what I had, and I still had plenty of energy to deal with my list of chores when I got home, too. I felt like I should call my mom and ask her if she needed me to do anything for her, but I decided to wait until after I had parted with Raya before I did that.
She wouldn’t be too hard on me for calling, but I knew she would tell me that I had to give my mom room to live, too. She might be right in some ways, but I didn’t want to make my mom do anything extra for herself when I was around to be able to take care of it for her. She looked like she was tired all the time, every day of the week.
I knew cancer took a lot out of her, and I wanted to be able to help.
But, I also didn’t want to take too much away from her and make her feel like she had to be cared for, either. She was still capable, I knew that, but Raya was a lot better about putting that into practice than I was.
And we clashed over it.
It was something that could wait, however.
I settled into a different conversation with Raya as she had her last drink. Then, the two of us paid our tab and left. I gave my best friend a hug before we parted, making sure she was good to drive before she got behind the wheel of her car.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m more than fine,” she said with a wave of her hand. “We were there long enough I’m sure both the first two have worn off.”
“Okay,” I said. “Be careful.”
“I’ll call you later,” she said.
“You better,” she replied.
We parted ways, and I headed to my car.
