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She went out with her family, her friends, and said ‘yes’ to anyone who asked her out. She made sure there wasn’t a second she was alone, made sure that she never went home until she was bone-tired and just about to crash. But somehow itstillwasn’t enough.
On the second month following her separation, Jaak asked if he could talk to her about Marcus. She told him no. As much as she loved him – as much as she was grateful for his help that day – this was one thing she would never budge on.
To speak of it was to relive the pain, and she couldn’t risk that.
Even though her marriage to Marcus Ravelli had barely lasted a day, even though she had only one summer of bittersweet memories of him, it was enough.Oh God,but it was more than enough to make her wake up at night, her face wet with tears, her body cold and trembling, and her heart so badly shattered it was a miracle it could still beat.
And so no, dear God, no – she could never speak about that time again. She could never speak abouthimagain. Never ever. Because if she did, she was terrified that the emptiness which thrived inside of her – the emptiness that she was so desperately doing her best to ignore – would come alive, and there would be no going back.
She would break...and stay broken.
****
THREE MONTHS HAD PASSEDsincethatday when Anneke finally got around to scheduling a meeting with the family’s legal team. She tried to be succinct as possible, revealing little except for her resolve to have a divorce.
“I don’t care how much it costs me. I just hope we can have it finalized immediately and with minimum fuss.”
The group of lawyers nodded and assured her that it would be done. They had her sign papers, and as Anneke took the pen, the numbness inside of her started to spread all over her skin like a plague.
She watched her fingers begin to move, her signature gradually taking shape, and she felt like she was watching someone else write her name. Could this really be her, signing a petition for divorce and ending a marriage that barely lasted a day?
“We’ll keep you updated regularly,” the head of her family’s legal team promised as he took the papers from her.
“Thank you.” Anneke managed to hold on to her smile as she left their office and walked back to her car. But her fingers started shaking as she inserted the key into the ignition, and by the time she started her car, she was already hyperventilating.
She only managed to drive a few blocks before having to park her car by the curb.
She was shaking so bad, and she didn’t know how to stop it. When her throat started to tighten and breathing became a little harder, she began pounding her chest with a fist.
But nothing changed.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Pain threatened to choke her to death, and a keening cry escaped her. The last layer of shock gradually faded – it had been the only thing that enabled Anneke to keep things together all this time, the one reason that she had been able to delude herself into thinking she was okay – and when it disappeared completely, it was all over, and she could no longer stop weeping.
She had thought she was okay, but she was not.
Oh God, she was not okay—-
And she realized then she was right all along.
The moment she allowed herself to remember him –
Shewouldbreak...as she did now, and would remain so, for the rest of her life.
