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“How dare you?” I say, feeling as though she has slapped me in the face. “He is my entire world. I do everything for him.”
“I don’t mean it in the way you think,” she says, quickly. “I mean that emotionally you’re vacant, Willow. You love him, he has everything he wants, but he’s getting older. Do you think he won’t feel the emptiness you carry around?”
“He was everything to me!” I blurt out, trembling. “He was my life and now he’s gone. Nothing any of you do can make that okay again. Life without him will never be okay. He didn’t just die, he’s out there, being tortured, and I’m here ... helpless.”
I’m shaking so hard my teeth are rattling together. I can’t breathe.
Panic is rising in my chest.
These attacks are something I’ve gotten used to, but they’re not something I handle very well. I don’t want Cody to see.
I don’t want Jenny to be right.
“Take Cody, please. Put him to bed.”
I barely manage to whisper the words before standing and stumbling out of the bathroom. I get into my room and fall to the ground. Pulling my pillow from the bed, I press it to my face and scream. I scream so loudly it hurts. Everyone wants to fix something that can’t be fixed. I can’t just make myself okay. It’s my fault Jagger is there, I let them take him. I didn’t fight hard enough to make sure he didn’t come after me.
I just can’t forgive myself for this.
A set of strong arms wrap around me, and I jerk away. I didn’t even hear someone come in. I don’t want comfort, I don’t want to break down, but I do. Tears spill over, and I begin wailing, unable to hold it back. I shake, scream, cry, and heave until there is nothing left. My body is being rocked, and I fight it. I shove and push at the hard chest pressed against my cheek. I push, but I don’t free myself. He’s too strong.
“Fight me, but I won’t let you go.”
Ace. Always Ace.
“Let me go,” I gasp. “Let me go!”
“No.”
“He was everything,” I whisper, defeated. “He broke me.”
“I know, and we’re going to get him back.”
“It’s my fault. I should have done something, anything to stop it. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t be there.”
“No, you’re wrong. Jagger was in this mess long before you. Mick had plans for him since the day he was born.”
“What if we’re too late, what if he’s dead?”
“He’s not dead.”
I jerk my head back and stare up at him. “How do you know?”
“You have to trust me.”
“Does ... Does he know about Cody?”
Ace shakes his head. “No.”
“Ace, I know why you’re here, but I don’t think there’s anything we can do. You all told me that there was no way out of this. Those words came from your mouth.”
“I know we said that, and I believed it, but I think we might have a chance here.”
A small amount of hope peeks its head out. Do we have a chance? Can we fix what was broken? Will my son get his father back?
“I can’t ask how right now, I can’t ... I have nothing left.”
Ace lifts me in his arms and lays me down onto the bed. Then he surprises me by crawling in next to me and wrapping his arms around me, pulling me close. For a moment, my entire body freezes, and I feel like I’m doing something wrong, yet at the same time the comfort he’s bringing me is something I’m struggling to fight off.
“What are you doing?” I whisper.
“I fucked up. I left you when you had no one else. I should’ve never done that. I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve sat with you when you grieved, I should’ve been there when you had Jagger’s son, and I wasn’t. None of us were. So, the best I can do right now is promise you that we’re going to be here, no matter what happens. If we can’t get Jagger, we will be in yours and Cody’s lives. I owe you both that, and it’s what Jagger would want. Right now, though, I’m going to hold you because I know sometimes loneliness can be the darkest of feelings, and, above all else, you deserve one night without feeling that soul crushing emptiness that I know you’ve lived with since he went.”
I sink into Ace, and he’s right, I’ve been so lonely. The comfort of his arms around me brings some warmth back to my heart. I’ve been so alone in my battle without Jagger. That’s not to say Jenny and Ava haven’t been amazing because they have, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I feel my breathing beginning to even out, and soon I’m falling asleep. That’s something I haven’t done properly for a long, long while.
