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It’s only when she continues and realizes I’m not with her that she stops and turns around. “You okay?” she asks with a light laugh.
I don’t know. I should be, but I’m not. I can’t move, and my heart is racing. She approaches slowly, glancing around like she wants to make sure nobody is watching us.
“I can’t breathe,” I whisper before struggling to suck in a lung full of air.
“You’re safe. That guy, he’s nobody. Just a guy playing football with his friends. Nobody is going to hurt you. Okay? Remember that. Tell yourself that. You’re safe here. Nobody is going to hurt you anymore.”
Nobody is going to hurt me. I close my eyes and force my way through a few shallow breaths before the tension in my chest loosens and my pulse settles back to a more normal speed. The world was starting to dwindle to a pinpoint there for a second, and all the color had started to drain out of my surroundings, but now it’s back, just the way it was before.
And now I feel like the biggest idiot. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, not ever. I guess it’s only natural.”
“It’s just that it will probably take me a while to get used to people randomly running at me from out of nowhere.”
“I get it. Like I said, you don’t have to apologize or explain yourself. I’m here. We can get through this.”
I’m so grateful I could cry, but I’ve done so much of that. It’s amazing there’s any moisture left in my body.
That’s going to change with time, too. I have to believe it will. Piper’s right. I’m safe here—not that I’m going to run around being reckless or anything, but I don’t have to worry about whether everybody around me is going to hurt me somehow. I hate knowing how James managed to work his way so deep into my head, him and his sons. It isn’t fair.
But they aren’t here. The guys are at MIT by now, living it up. I haven’t heard another word from them since they dropped me off, and my mother hasn’t bothered to reach out to me, either. What a surprise.
That’s for the best, too. Even though it burns me up inside, knowing she believes all those ugly lies about me, that’s just something I’m going to have to accept. If it means I no longer have to deal with her, so be it. I’ll make that sacrifice. I know the truth, anyway. I know I’m not the person James made me out to be. That needs to be enough. Maybe it’s for the best that I’ve learned to live without her approval. I’d probably be in much worse shape if that wasn’t the case.
“They still haven’t reached out, have they?” Piper asks as we enter our building.
I shake my head. “You would know if they had. I would have told you.”
“I mean, that’s good, though. They’re moving on and letting you move on.”
“I know. And I know I should be grateful.”
“But…”
We climb the stairs side by side, and suddenly, my heart is much heavier than it was before. “But I can’t help thinking it’s unfair as hell for them to just go on with their lives like none of this ever happened. I can’t even walk across campus without getting freaked out because somebody ran too close to me. But I’m sure they’re living it up, already going to parties and having fun.”
“I wish they would fry for it. I really do.”
“I know. But still…” We reach the third floor, and I lean against our door while Piper unlocks it. “Is it wrong that I just kind of want to let the whole thing go away? Is that selfish, do you think?”
“I’ve seen what this has done to you. And I’ve heard you while you’re having nightmares.”
I can’t help but cringe. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“It’s not terrible. But you’re obviously going through a lot. I can see why you’d want them to suffer, but I can also see why you would want to let it all go away. That’s totally normal.”
“So I’m not selfish?”
“No. You’re not selfish. You’re doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. That’s not selfish at all.” She drops her backpack on the floor next to her bed before throwing her arms over her head and stretching. “I need a shower. I really worked up a sweat earlier.”
“Please, don’t let me stop you.” I wave a hand around in front of my nose like she smells, and we’re both laughing as she disappears into our shared bathroom.
I’m still mulling things over as I kick off my shoes and pull out Beloved. I heard a couple of people groan when the professor assigned the first five chapters before our next class, like reading five entire chapters is so tough, but all I could do was smile. I know it’s nerdy, but I can’t help it. It’s an excuse to curl up with a good book, and I’ve never been able to resist that.
