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There goes my bravado, quickly replaced by trembling fear. “Are you telling me… I have to watch out for him? You think he’d come here?”
“I don’t know, and that’s the problem. I’ll never know for sure. But how am I supposed to go to MIT and pretend everything is normal when he’s so close? He could find you easily, and then what?”
Is that what this has been about all along? I don’t want to believe him because he’s tricked me so many times before, but when I give it serious thought, I can’t help but remember times when he wasn’t hurting me. When he was trying to help me, like with the butt plug. I’m sure that was his idea—I doubt Nix would have cared either way. He wanted to make sure I didn’t get hurt. And when James forced us to fuck in front of him, Colt whispered to me and tried to make it easier. And he held me. He was kind and gentle.
“Fine, so let’s say you tried to protect me from your dad. What about all the other times? You treated me like shit back in school. I never did anything to you, and you know that damn well. But you hurt me. Humiliated me. And then, before your father ever started with me, you made my life miserable after I moved in.”
“Did it never occur to you that we did it to keep you away? That we dragged you into that fucking party to make sure you weren’t alone with him? Or the lock on your door—you never figured out we were locking him out, not locking you in?”
“You locked me in during the day plenty of times.”
“It was all to protect you. That job at the law firm? What the hell do you think would have happened there if we had let that happen?”
I hate that he’s making a good point. Now that I look back, knowing what I know, I can see it from his point of view. Still, I shove him again. “Fine. But you sure as hell never had a difficult time performing when he forced you.” I make big, sarcastic air quotes around the word. “If you were against it, why were you always ready to go?”
That one, he doesn’t have such a quick little answer to. He looks at the floor, in fact, his jaw twitching. “I don’t know. I guess I’m fucked in the head. I’m not hiding that. I got off on seeing you naked, on having you at my mercy, but I’m nothing like him.”
“Oh no?” I taunt.
“No.” His head snaps up, and he glares at me. “I can admit I get off on controlling you. I already told you that I think you’re beautiful, so of course, I get hard when I see you naked. Yes, I like fucking you in messed-up ways. That’s part of who I am. But I also feel remorse and have a conscience. I want to take care of you and make you feel good. I don’t want you to be scared or trapped in a house. I want you to be happy and have friends.”
He reaches out to touch my cheek. I want to pull away, but something stops me. I don’t know what. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. That’s one thing I know for sure. All that is over. Nothing matters more than keeping you safe.”
“Did you ask Piper to move in here?”
“No, I didn’t ask her, but I set it up. I didn’t want you to be here with a stranger.” I should have seen this before. Even now, when I thought I was free, he’s still controlling my life.
I need to get my head on straight. And that’s not possible while I’m in his presence and he’s touching me. When he’s this close to me. “I can’t do this.”
He sighs heavily as I open the door, flinging it wide and marching out into the hall. Why does he keep doing this to me? And why do I make it so easy for him?
I should know better than to think he’ll let me go just because I want him to. He walks beside me the entire way back to the dorm, not saying a word. Anybody who sees us together would probably think we’re just two normal everyday people. And it does occur to me that I could scream for help. If I really wanted to be rid of him and make him pay at least in part for what he’s done to me, I would.
And I do, don’t I? I want to get rid of him. I want him to pay. So why can’t I bring myself to scream?
When we reach my building, he makes no move to leave. “Bye,” I mutter, glaring at him. “Thanks for walking me back to my room. You can go now.”
