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Do ye have any idea how beautiful ye are? he asked softly.
She propped herself up on her elbows. Arent you going to lie down?
He sighed and kicked at the ground. Im no worthy of you. Ye know that. Yeve already figured out the terrible things Ive done.
Ive done terrible things, too. I healed a child who grew up to become a serial killer. And tonight, I ended a life.
In order to save another mans life. And ye healed that child out of compassion. Yer heart has always been good. Whereas mine . . . He turned away.
Are you ashamed? Is that why you refuse to talk about it?
He snorted. Shame and remorse weigh heavy on my soul, but they doona prevent me from living my life. They dinna stop me from falling for you.
Then why are you reluctant to talk to me?
He swallowed hard. Im . . . afraid.
Of being punished? Of going to hell?
Nay. He turned to her. Im afraid of losing yer love. Yer respect. I could bear anything but that.
She remained silent for a while. I believe Ive been insulted.
How?
You must think my love for you is very small. Shallow and . . . undependable.
He stiffened. I dinna say that.
Then try me. Give me a chance to prove myself.
And a chance for me to lose you?
You wont lose me. She patted the blanket beside her. Trust me. Please.
With a heavy heart, he sat beside her. Hed held the pain inside for so long, he hardly knew how to let it out. If ye hate me, I willna blame you.
She rubbed his back. Youve hated yourself more than enough. I wont add to it.
He bent his legs and folded his arms across his knees. Could she still love him? With a pang, he realized hed reached a point where he needed to know. He needed to put an end to the pain. And he needed the certainty of her love.
He took a deep breath. I was thirty years old, proud to have my own land and a lovely young wife. But the land was along the border, and an English lord was claiming it for his own. So in 1542, I went to fight at Solway Moss.
And thats when Roman found you dying? Marielle asked.
Aye. After he transformed me, he and Angus warned me no to go home. They said my wife wouldna be able to accept me. Thats what happened to Angus, ye ken. But I dinna listen. I went home, and my wife . . . she welcomed me.
Thats good. Marielle patted his back. Im glad.
He sighed. At the time, I thought I was the luckiest man on Earth. There I was, a terrifying, bloodsucking creature, and she still wanted me. Now, I wonder if she really had any choice. She was six months pregnant when I was transformed. Her parents were deceased. She had no other place to go.
Im sure she loved you, Marielle whispered.
Twould have been better for her if she had rejected me. The news spread through the local village, and the people feared for their lives and the lives of their children. I would work the field at night, but they would come and throw stones at me and yell at me to leave. I had to find secret places for my death-sleep so they wouldna try to kill me while I slept.
Im so sorry.
He shrugged. I drank blood from our livestock and worked hard on the farm. I thought after the babe was born, and the villagers realized I meant no harm to anyone, they would leave us alone. The night my wife gave birth, I was there to help her.
He hugged his knees. I will always remember the joy I felt, holding our wee babe in my arms. I thought my heart would burst.
I fell into my death-sleep thinking no man could possibly be more blessed than I.
He stood abruptly and walked away from the blanket.
What happened? Marielle asked.
I awoke the next evening and rushed to the house to see how Fionnula and my daughter were faring. He shut his eyes briefly as the memory flashed through his mind. The men from the village had killed them both.
Marielle gasped and rose to her feet. How could they? Why would they do that?
They figured I was only staying there because of my wife and child. So they killed them to be rid of me.
Connor, Im so sorry. She touched his arm.
He scoffed. Do ye think the story ends there? That I cried for my wife and daughter, then quietly made my leave?
Marielles eye widened.
Oh, I cried, all right. I shouted and screamed. I tore the house apart. I flew into a rage that ye canna imagine. A cold rage that turned the world blue and froze the blood in my veins.
I took my claymore and went to the village. And I slaughtered every man there.
Her face grew pale.
I knew it was wrong, but I dinna care. I did it anyway.
You were distraught, she whispered.
That is no excuse! He gritted his teeth. I killed them all, and I found great satisfaction in it.
Youyou dont mean that.
Aye, I do! There were women and children screaming in terror, begging me to stop, but I kept going till every man in the village was dead.
Tears glimmered in Marielles eyes. You were in terrible pain.
Love can do terrible things. He rubbed his brow. My wife died because she loved me. Then I took her love and the innocent love of a wee babe and twisted it into an ugly rampage for revenge. I doomed my soul.
A tear ran down Marielles cheek. Im so sorry for all the pain youve endured
What about the pain my wife and child endured? What about the widows and orphans I left behind? After a few nights, I realized the true impact of my crime. Women and children slowly starving to death because of me. I would go hunting every night and bring them a deer or a handful of rabbits. And they screamed in terror whenever I came. Eventually, they all left, running away from the nightmare I had foisted upon them.
He sighed. The village disappeared. Theres nothing there now but empty fields. And the grave where I laid my wife and daughter.
I am truly sorry, she whispered. For everyone.
He tilted his head back and gazed at the stars. His heart felt lighter just for sharing the secret of his crime, but his punishment was about to begin. Any minute now, she would rebuke him for being a cruel and vicious monster.
She was silent.
He glanced at her and saw that her eyes were shut. Tears glistened on her cheeks, and her mouth moved silently as if in prayer.
He took a deep breath, preparing himself for rejection. Hed known all along he wasnt worthy of her. It didnt stop him from loving her, though. And it wouldnt stop him from keeping his pledge.
Her eyes opened, and she regarded him sadly.
His heart squeezed. For the first time, he could see her age in her eyes. Millennia of pain, joy, and wisdom.
I want to be clear on this, she said softly. I never want to hear you say again that your soul is doomed. Do you think you are God that you can make such a judgment?
He blinked. But I am doomed. Even the demon said I was on his list.
A demon will say everyone is on his list. But he is not God, either. The decision is not his.
Connor swallowed hard. Yere no . . . appalled by what I did?
I am constantly appalled by what humans do. And constantly amazed. She sighed. Why should I point out the seriousness of your transgression when you already know it? You have great remorse for what you did. You should ask our Heavenly Father to forgive you. And then begin your life anew.
I doona deserve it.
She smiled. You can feel that way, but He still loves you. I love you, Connor Buchanan. I will always love you.
His heart stuttered. Yeye canna mean that.
She made a face. Oh, youre right. I changed my mind. I hate your guts now.
What?
She swatted his shoulder. When I say I love you, you should accept it. If you dont, then youre calling me a liar.
Nay, I Tears stung his eyes. Ye still love me?
She gave him an impatient look. Only a man with a good and noble heart would punish himself for centuries. Your wife and daughter would not be pleased to see you wallowing in misery.
Im no wallowing, he grumbled. I fought a battle earlier tonight.
Youve kept a black pit of suffering in you for so long, you have trouble accepting love when it falls in your lap. Its time to stop the suffering. You have a woman here who loves you. She crossed her arms with a huff. And Im getting really tired of waiting for my blow job.
He laughed.
She gave him one of her radiant smiles. Thats more like it. You have centuries ahead of you, Connor Buchanan. They should be filled with love and laughter.
He pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her hair, his tears mingling with her damp hair. Ye are the light in my darkness. I love you more than I can say.
Will you become one with me? she whispered.
He leaned back. We . . . canna . . .
I want to. She caressed his cheek, wiping his tears away. If I ever make it back to heaven, I want to know that I gave you everything I have.
But what if it . . . soils yer
