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13
Sarah
I’ve been keeping a dossier on Damien.
When he brings me to bed tonight, after I kiss him, I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I need to burn it.
But I have to take that fire and use it to fight what happened to me tonight. I can’t accept whatever hot and cold craziness that Damien washes over me. I have to get free. I resolve that if he’s gone tomorrow, for any amount of time, I am going to find something and I’m going to use it to get me closer to escaping. I’m not going to turn into the person I’m truly starting to become.
I wanted to come and have Damien lick it off. I wanted TD, wherever he was watching, to see it and want me. I wanted them both to desire me.
I did want them both to fuck me.
God, I can’t be this person. I’m not this kind of a stupid monster. I’m a person. I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t want to belong to anyone.
I don’t want to crawl out of this bed and crawl into Damien’s and wrap my arms around him and kiss him again. I don’t want to taste my cum on his breath again. I don’t want that.
Nope.
I open my eyes after that unsatisfying sleep to find that Damien is not there for breakfast. Strange. Kiss the mysterious man that holds you captive, and he doesn’t even have breakfast with you. A stupid part of me is really hurt. But this is what I needed. The universe is giving me a chance to get free of him. I’m free of the distraction of him and now I can find something else that will help me escape. The thought of the tickets makes me shudder. This is why I need to get Damien out of my mind. He isn’t a man I’m falling for. He’s a man whose trap I’m falling for.
How can he tell me that I’m perfect, but also plan to sell me off or something?
Perfect for what exactly?
I’m angry now.
I won’t admit to myself that I’m angry because I’m hurt. No, I’m not going to do that to myself. I’m just going to forge ahead and find something.
I grab my little dossier on Damien and I tell myself, fuck breakfast. Damien didn’t show and neither will I. That’s so childish, but I’m hanging on by a thread here okay?
I’m totally shaken up about how much I started to release all my fears when Damien played with me in front of TD. I cannot be something to be played with.
I can’t want that.
I have to repeat that to myself because right now? That’s all I want. I want to crawl into his bed and breathe in the scent of him and stay there until he returns.
I’m sad because I want to know why Damien doesn’t take me to his bed and fuck me.
That is not what I’m supposed to think.
Escape. Snooping, finding something and figuring out how to get the hell out of this penthouse I’m trapped in.
I go to try the study door. I do it every time and I now have it open an ounce.
“Sarah!” Damien is there. His hand closes over mine on the knob. I turn because he’s behind me and I cannot breathe. How can he be here? Why couldn’t I hear him?
Oh my God.
“Damien!” I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I immediately want to beg forgiveness.
There’s a rage in his eyes like nothing I’ve ever seen. He snatches my little dossier file with notes on his schedule and such on it…oh God this is a damn nightmare.
A little pain in my stomach tells me that I should’ve accepted how I feel about Damien. Even my brain is a traitor. I have no sense in me.
“I thought…” Damien starts to say something. God, that’s fucking pain in his voice. I caused it.
I’m shattered.
“I’m so sorry, Damien. This isn’t what it looks like. Or it is. But I —“
“Do not talk to me. Do not say anything, “ Damien growls. He pushes me against the door and I think he might kiss me. Or he might kill me. I deserve one of those. I’m not sure which one that I want.
I’ll be good. That’s all I can fucking do. I can’t question anything within me right now. I feel hollowed out, like someone has scraped out everything within me.
I mean, I know trying to escape is the normal, natural thing. But I wish desperately that I had stopped. Why did I still have this file? After how I kissed him? How he kissed me? What I’d said, asked him, and he came right for me? I knew things had changed and I ran in the other direction.
Now I just want to delete the space between us. Kiss him, grab him. Crawl to my knees and clutch him and beg for forgiveness.
