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How did I become the woman who wanted to be owned by a man? By two even? I want to curl into a ball and sleep forever. I can’t take this feeling inside like I’m being pulled in a thousand different directions. My life was easier when I was just angry and afraid!
I know this now. I no longer have my innocence, my virginity. With two men looking at me now, men that I want, men that I would give myself to again and again…I’m no girl. I’m a woman now. I want to be able to act on this realization. But that’s the part of me that hasn’t matured. I haven’t figured out that next part yet.
After everything that’s happened, I still somehow feel trapped. The freedom that I had when I was being shown to the potential buyers? It’s completely gone. I almost want to throw a fit about this. I want to be able to find my way out of this mess in my mind.
17
Sarah
First they share me, and then they show me off.
Damien wouldn’t make eye contact with me all day, and he shuffled me off toward a room full of young women my age, all being made up and led off in a line. I get made up with the most glamorous makeup that I have ever seen in my life. I’m shocked by the sight of my own face. I barely recognize myself, not because I look so different but because it’s like I look more like me than I ever have in my whole life. I’m shimmering, dewy, vibrant.
On the outside, I look stunning.
On the inside, I feel like I’m being hollowed out into nothing.
Damien is going to sell me.
At least Trevor may buy me.
At least they may share me again.
I find actual comfort in that as I’m strapped naked to a block in front of so many people. This is all so barbaric, but I can still those thoughts and feel hopeful.
Until the auction begins and Trevor is nowhere to be seen.
Damien still won’t look at me, but he looks worried. I don’t know what this means, but every second that comes closer to me being sold, I lose my soul. Everything I have blocked out around me invades my mind and I’m hearing the comments of those bidding. Hearing the bids on other girls.
This is happening to me. I’m no longer foolish enough to think that Damien cared about me, that Trevor did. They took me, used me, and now they are selling me off at an auction of virgins, something I’m not anymore. I relished everything that happened between the three of us, until now. Now I feel so stupid. It isn’t my fault that I got taken. It’s my fault that I let myself trust either of them. How could I be so stupid? Trying not to shake, I feel my whole body start to get too heavy and I feel dizzy. I can’t believe this is happening and I want to scream. I can’t handle this. I can’t do this.
Someone is going to buy me. I’m going to be owned.
There are two people I want to belong to.
One of those people is selling me.
The other is nowhere to be found.
I won’t cry. I don’t want to cry. I remember Damien’s warnings from when he showed me off and taught me to be obedient. I’m sickened knowing I’ll have to somehow sublimate the desires I let grow for Damien, and then Trevor, into not resisting the buyer. I can’t do that. I feel weak now. But I know that I will be strong. I don’t care how long it takes. I will be a silent foe, planning my escape.
But why do I want to escape and crawl back to Damien? Am I too stupid to let it sink in that he doesn’t want me? Sharing me with Trevor? It was all a test. He told me that when he said he was training me. That’s why they fucked me and didn’t give me any straight answers about anything. I can’t take this. I need to be able to breathe, and I just want out of here. I’m trying to block out the sounds around me.
I can’t explain it, but I have the feeling that I should look at Damien. It is like something is shifting in the air. I look at him and I see a crazed look in his eyes. I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel like it’s connected to Trevor not showing up. Every cell in my body is telling me to forget all my doubts. I want to trust Damien. It doesn’t matter if all the reasoning I had before made sense, the only thing that makes sense to my heart, to my soul, is that Damien is going to run off with me because Trevor isn’t buying me. I can’t explain it, it might make no sense, but that’s transmitting through my mind like a siren.
