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Gian makes a face, one I can’t quite understand. His eyebrows knit together, then raise, and he looks at me while cocking his head to the side and I think maybe as much as I’m trying to figure out what his face means, he’s trying to figure out what my words mean. Finally, he replies. “If you like. You can have anything you like, and of course at no cost,” Gian says.
I watch his lips move, unable to tear my eyes away from the sight of him. His sensual lips are almost enough to make me forget his words, but in a second, they click.
I open my mouth to protest that I don’t want any freebies. Something unsettling occurs to me. Much more unsettling than the fact that I really can’t afford to pay my own way at an upscale casino and hotel’s spa. I’m already paying for whatever I want to get done. I’m paying with my body. And before, yes, I felt comfortably horrified by this truth. But now? Now the idea reviles me like it taints the fact that I enjoy being with Gian now. That I’m not really afraid of him, or disgusted by him. So why should it bother me?
I mean I know that what our little arrangement is like is different from a normal relationship. I’ve never been in a relationship, but even I know enough to know that this is just strange. Nothing about how we met, or how we’ll come to bed together tonight seems normal. And I’m pretty sure that based on how long our so-called ‘relationship’ has been in existence, it’s a strange time for him to shower me with gifts or anything.
But that’s not what me going to the spa is. I still feel so inadequate next to Gian. He’s the most attractive man I’ve ever seen, and I want to be able to look like I actually belong on his arm.
I gulp, smiling at him as he leaves. Gian kisses my cheek — something so normal in the midst of all of our strangeness. The thought that makes me gulp? Even though Gian isn’t telling me to hide away in this room, I don’t actually know that he’ll have me on his arm. No, allowing me to go to the spa is not the same as being on his arm.
When I thought that Gian was some disgusting pervert and I was reviled by the idea of him touching me, it didn’t matter if he hid me away or had me on his arm.
Of course, I didn’t think he was going to keep me … but I also didn’t think that he was going to decide to keep me more permanently.
But now that I do like Gian, now that I do want his hands all over me, and let’s be real, now that I know I want him inside my body, it upsets me to think that I might be sequestered away. That I’m not good enough to show off.
Besides, I could be wrong about Gian. He could be frightening and only seem kind. If that’s the case, I definitely want to look like I’m anything but expendable. I need him to want me, because if he wants to discard me, then my brother might not get the help that he needs.
This morning, Gian told me that he’d bring me an update about the facilities that he sent my brother to, and I should expect it to take almost a week before they’d allow me to visit, and that even then, detox could be incredibly unpleasant. Of course I still want to see Tommy, because I need him to know how much I care about him and want him to have help.
I feel guilty worrying about my hair and thinking about fucking the man I was worried would hurt my brother not so long ago. I think I’m still shocked at how everything has turned out so far, and that focusing on small things are the most important thing to focus on right now. I don’t have to even worry about work for another day, so all I need to focus on today is looking like anything other than a broke nobody. Because on his arm or in his bed, Gian would never have someone who didn’t look the part. He’s far too handsome to have someone who makes it look like he’s slumming. I’m downright embarrassed at how I didn’t even dress anything like the girls that I saw in the casino last night. I remember what Gian said, and he seemed pleased with what I was wearing.
Still, I want to do better. I want to feel better … look better.
Heading toward the elevator, it feels so strange making this journey without all the fear I had before. Now I’m just worried about how to fit in with my world order.
