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“I want to know what you’re thinking when you look at me like that,” Lucy says.
“I want to know how you can think so little of yourself,” I say. Fuck, I could be inside her a thousand times over and I want to be. I could be cruel and push her away forever. I don’t want to, but I should do that.
So why do I say this kind of shit instead? Why can’t I stay broken and unfeeling — why do I have to tell sweet Lucy that she needs to know she’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met? What good will that do any of us? She had me pegged for who I was right away. Only my money can help her, and that’s already happening. What can I possibly hope to offer her?
“Because I have eyes,” Lucy says. “Because I’ve been sleepwalking through every part of my life that isn’t a nightmare. I have nothing to look forward to but my brother … and when that was my only goal, it was fine. I don’t mean to be selfish, I just don’t have that to worry about anymore, and now I don’t know who I am,” Lucy says, pressing one palm to my chest.
I pull her head to mine. The soft feel of her hair on my now bare skin makes me bite my lip for a second. Crap, she’s everything soft and good in the world. She’s my world. How could I have fallen so fast? Hard enough to feel the impact shattering me.
“You’re right. When you had nothing else to worry about that was fine. But you need the freedom to explore what you want. Anything you want, Lucy, I’ll make it happen. You have to figure out what your heart’s desire is,” I say. When did I become a damn poet? I mean every word, but I feel like a damn fool.
Lucy says nothing, so I bring her face up to mine, and I see tears welling in her eyes. Fuck.
“No one has ever wanted to do anything for me. Wanted to help me,” Lucy says with a sniffle.
Well no wonder my ability to take advantage of her is strong. Her whole family, save her brother, died, and now she’s got a brother alone to look out for her, and he’s the one who needs looking after? Of course, he’s too busy to do that. Lucy was a virgin until me. I get it now.
And I’m the monster taking advantage of that situation. If only I could help her and not hurt her. Because when she finds out I’m married, even if what Lucy and I have is real, that’s probably going to crush her more than anything. I never want to hurt her.
I just want to have her.
I can’t have her.
But I’m not thinking about that right now. My lips close over hers again. I feel the soft flutter of her wet eyelashes against my cheek and I breathe deep her scent. I need to be inside Lucy more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life. “Lucy,” I say her name like an incantation, summoning everything required to raze my soul. “God, I fucking need you so damn much,” I say, unable to hold back now. I need her more than I could possibly say. My hands on her aren’t enough; her lips kissing me are only pushing me for more. My mouth is bruising, passionate and rough, claiming her lips and overtaking her tongue, my mouth pressed so hard against hers it almost hurts, but I keep kissing her like I’m sucking her soul out of her. I breathe her in, drink her in, taste her, and know that I’ll be hollow if I ever let her go. She had the chance to go, my thoughts growl. Those demons within me tell me that now she’s mine to claim. That I don’t need to worry about anything but making sure her skin is always under my fingers, that she’s what my lips are touching.
Lucy gasps beneath me and I know she needs to breathe. I release her lips for a moment and the instant she inhales, I close my mouth over hers again. One of my hands grabs her breasts and I squeeze a little harder than I should. Her moan into my mouth presses me on. I need her, need her in my grasp. I hold tight and tighter yet. My tongue dances over hers, and my mouth is open over hers. Her tongue makes me shiver the way she runs it over mine, and touches the inside of my mouth. The taste of her is honey and sin, innocence that I’ve been tormented by and it’s erased with every bit of trouble we make together. Her damnation is as certain as mine now. I damned this beautiful soul moaning beneath me and I can’t help myself. So be it.
