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Two whole hours and I was sluggish to recall the information, like the interaction had happened in a dream and not in real life. “We talked about how he came from another school.”
“Which one?”
Crap. “It was a private school.”
“Ava.” Rachel pulled a pillow over her face, her dramatic sigh muffled but audible. “Are you even trying? I mean, if I went on a date with him, I’d be talking about more stuff than school. And I’dremember it.”
No kidding. Was something wrong with me? I mean, I could remember topics we’d touched on—school, his relationship past—but why couldn’t I remember the actual words? It wasn’t like I didn’t have a good time. For a first date with a guy who was practically a stranger, I had fun. And here I was, feeling neutral, bizarrely blanking on seventy-five percent of those two hours.
Rachel peeked out underneath her pillow. “Don’t you think he’s cute?”
“I do,” I rushed to say, putting as much emphasis into my voice as I could. “I think he’s really cute.”
“So?”
So, it’s that when I look at him, I think about my kiss with your brother. I dug my fingers into my knees. “There is no ‘so.’ I had a nice time. We’re going to his house to watch a movie tomorrow. That’s all.”
Rachel peered at me closer, probably analyzing my words, my tone. I hadn’t snapped at her, but the tension in my chest came out in my voice, all the thoughts bouncing around enough to drive me crazy.
Without saying anything, I crawled onto Rachel’s bed further and dropped onto the pillow beside her, cozying up on the daisy and rainbow duvet. She looped her arm around mine, joining me in staring up at the ceiling, and asked, “How’s everything going with your parents?”
“The same, really.” Mom’s schedule was completely booked this week. Open houses, showings, finance meetings, drinks with clients. Which was a good thing, of course. If she could sell a house, maybe there’d be less of a pinch for money. We were running dangerously low on groceries, so that might’ve been something to put on my list of to-dos. If I ran out of my sugar O’s, I was going to riot. “I’m going to Dad’s this weekend.” Maybe. He hadn’t canceled yet, at least.
Rachel leaned her head against my shoulder, her curls scratching against my cheek. “Do you believe in love, Ava?”
“Thatwas a random segue.”
“It was a random thought.”
I made a soft humming sound under my breath, giving it a dedicated thought. Love. Rachel wasn’t a serial dater like Reed, but she’d had a few short-term relationships. Three, maybe four in her whole lifetime. They mostly stemmed from dates to homecoming and holiday flings, not anything long-lasting. I couldn’t remember one of them getting the big L word.
My entire life, I’d grown up thinking my parents embodied love. I thought they were in love. I thought they’d always be in love. I’d always thought Rachel’s parents would last, too. And yet, life threw curveballs.
“I think I do,” I answered finally, the words coming out in a push and pull. Slow, like I wasn’t sure they were the truth. “People fall in love all the time, so I think it exists. I just think making it last…that’s rare.”
“Is that why you’re not so worried about your first kiss anymore?”
Among other reasons. “I don’t know. I guess maybe. A kiss is different than love, though. Before my parents’ marriage fell apart, I would’ve said I believed in it.”
“My dad told my mom that he loved her up until the truth came out,” Rachel said, now rendering me silent. “Like, the day before he told her, he bought her a cake for her half birthday. Herhalf birthday. Who celebrates that?”
I didn’t say it, but I thought,someone with a guilty conscience.
“But it was all a lie, you know? He’d been with that—” her voice hitched. “—horrible woman for a year at that point.A year. We went on family vacations in that year, and he lied through all of it. And they’re not even together anymore. He threw everything away for something that didn’t last.”
My eyebrows drew together. “How do you know they’re not together anymore?”
She coughed. “Social media stalking, duh.”
I leaned my head against hers and reached over to pat her hand, striving for any sort of comforting gesture. “To be fair, not every relationship is like that. My parents—”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” Rachel said, and suddenly sat up to stare down at me. Her curls were mussed and her gaze was fiery, looking like a lion in her cluttered bedroom, but her expression lacked the anger her words held. Her eyes were wide, glassy, like they were about to fill with tears. “Your dad didn’t cheat on your mom. You should feel lucky everything is as civil as it is.”
I tried to draw in a breath, but it stuck in my throat.
As soon as she finished speaking, it was obvious that the words had come in an emotional rush, that the balloon of feeling had been expanding and expanding until it finally popped. Heat burst through me, pooling in my cheeks, a buzzing bundle of emotions stirring in my chest. I couldn’t pinpoint a single one, but the sensations of them all made me sick. “I—I know that.”
The tension in Rachel eased ever so slightly, and she turned her face away from me. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I just don’t feel good.”
