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I slipped through the morning crowds and sank into the driver’s seat, the pounding in my chest growing more painful. There was no way I could call my mom to bring my medicine to me. I had her car, and my dad would be at work by now. I just needed to take it slow, focus on my breathing. My body tensed as I put the car in drive, but I tried to stay as calm as possible. I could make it home. It wasn’t far.
“Breathe, Cas. Breathe,” I chanted to myself as I focused on doing just that. My hands trembled against the steering wheel as I drove. If I could just pace my breathing and keep as still as possible, I might make it to my house without any issues. It was only a fifteen-minute drive; I could last that long.
* * *
It felt like the longest drive of my life, but I finally parked in front of my house. My eyes darted to my parents’ front door which was next to my own. There was no sign of my mom thankfully, because I didn’t need her panicking. I opened and closed the car door, careful to be as quiet as possible, snuck up the steps, and entered my apartment in a quiet rush.
Safe. She hadn’t caught on that I was there yet. I stumbled up the stairs and grabbed the pills off my vanity. The lid of the bottle couldn’t open fast enough, and I choked them down as I leaned against the counter.
Dr. Robertson had stressed the importance of avoiding any risk of another attack, as I likely wouldn’t be so lucky this time around. I couldn’t afford to make another mistake like this.
Every doctor I’d encountered failed to figure out why the treatments weren’t working. They should have worked, should have at least bought me more time, but they never did. The doctors were certain of one thing, though; my risk of heart failure had increased drastically without explanation in recent years.
It had only been a month since things took a turn for the worse, since I’d suffered a heart attack. It’d been the worst one yet and, in the end, I was left clinically dead for just over two minutes before they successfully resuscitated me. If my mom hadn't been downstairs putting groceries away when it happened, I wouldn’t have lived to see another day.
The damage had been done, though, leaving permanent scarring in my heart. That one attack had hammered the last nail into my coffin, sealing my fate.
After that attack, it wasn’tifI was going to die.
It waswhenI was going to die.
* * *
By some strange stroke of luck, Kat and Cody fell for the heartburn story. Everything I’d worked toward would’ve shattered if they’d found out. I didn’t want them to know, couldn’t stand the thought of losing the only people who didn’t treat me like a walking catastrophe waiting to happen.
They’d look at me differently, treat me differently, people always did. I was so sick of the pity. I just wanted to be able to live out whatever life I had left like anyone else.
As expected, I was late to my first class. Thankfully, I hadn’t missed much. I was able to slip a note to the teacher explaining that I had a medical emergency, and he excused my tardiness. The next class crawled by at a snail’s pace, dragging out for what felt like forever, until my stomach was howling. I was relieved when class finally let out, and I hurried out of the classroom, desperate to get to the student hall to get a bite to eat.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I couldn’t deny that I wanted to see Damien again, that I hoped he was there by now. It was wrong. I should stop talking to him, avoid him even, but there was a part of me that couldn’t resist reaching out.
I walked out of the student hall, cheeseburger in hand, looking around for him. Sadly, he was nowhere to be seen. This campus was huge, though, so they could’ve been anywhere.
Perhaps this was the universe’s way of telling me what I already knew, that I should end this now before I got too close. It would be the kind thing to do. My shoulders slumped, and I made my way down the sidewalk toward my usual spot in the center of campus.
This is how it should be, Cas. Its better this way. This way, as few people get hurt as possible.
As I emerged from the tree-lined pathway my ears perked up at the sound of Damien joking with his friends. My chest swelled at the chance to talk to him again, to see the smile of his that made me feel warm and alive. I found them hanging out along the wall in front of the library.
Everything in me wanted to join them, to ignore that voice telling me I shouldn’t get involved. I hesitated but continued walking toward the place on the lawn where Kat and I sat between classes. To my surprise, Kat and Cody weren’t there.
I frowned. She hadn’t mentioned anything to me about having lunch elsewhere. I grabbed my phone to call her, only to see a text notification. My phone was still on silent from my previous class, so I hadn’t heard it when the text came through.
‘Last class cancelled for the day. Cody and I are going to go see a movie! Text me when your classes are over! Kisses!’
My fingers tapped away at my screen as I responded to her text. I shoved my phone into my pocket, wondering what to do with the empty time I was suddenly left with. Should I go study in the student hall? It would likely be the smarter option. Maybe I could get a jumpstart on tonight’s assignments.
I took a bite of my burger, standing awkwardly in the open expanse of the campus courtyard. A sigh escaped my lips and I slumped. At least I only had half an hour until my last class for the day. I opted to get started on my homework and turned to walk toward the study hall.
“Cas!”
Startled, I looked back over my shoulder to see Damien waving me down from where he sat with his friends.
So much for avoiding him.
“Hey, Damien.” My lips curled into a smile, Damien standing to meet me as I approached. There were five guys and a girl sitting with him. They’d all quieted their conversations the moment they noticed me, and suddenly I wanted to be anywhere but here. A sense of stage fright sank into the pit of my stomach as their eyes glued onto me, and I couldn’t help but fidget with the hedge of my sleeve.
I noticed Barrett kicked back in the grass, his steel eyes leveling on me, and I wondered what he was thinking.
