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Making its way back into it, indelible. The way she says the word sorry. I want to claw my own brain out, but there’s no way to.
These people around me all seem to have their own lives, but if I keep staying here, if I keep beinghere, I’m going to put them all in danger. I’m going to hurt all of them.
I consider all of these people my family. There isn’t one of them who I want to hurt. But just being around them is hurting them. Just my presence is toxic.
I have to think about what happened to my fucking mother to remember that.
“I’ll be right back,” I say to no one in particular. I slide the door open, look at Alana’s spotless furniture, and sigh as I close the door behind me, muffling the sound of laughter from behind me. I immediately make my way back to the guest room, where I slept last night.
Well, slept might be charitable.
I feel like death. I sit on the carpeted floor, facing away from the door. The window is too tall for me to see anything. The bed is unmade. Nothing here belongs to me except for my boots, which are next to the hanging quilt.
I close my eyes again, hearing the beep-beep-beep of the hospital room as soon as I do. I open my eyes and stare at the shadow pattern the sun has cast in the room, between the barely open blinds.
I’m scared. My heart is beating really fast, but I’ve made a decision. This will be better for everyone.
For the band. For the boys. For Malon.
It’s the only way to protect them. I know that there’s no way to convince them that this is right, so I need to keep it to myself. It kind of feels like I’m betraying them, but they’ll get over it.
They’ll have to.
I wipe the tears from my eyes when Dee Dee jumps into my lap. I didn’t notice him stalking into the room and I haven’t really engaged with him since Kelly brought him to Alana.
He’s not a very talkative cat, so when he purrs in my lap, his eyes wide as he looks at me, my heart melts a little bit. “Hi, baby,” I say. “I’m sorry I left you behind. I’m sorry about all this.”
I’m vaguely aware that tears are falling down my face, getting on him.
“It’ll be okay,” I say. “I’ll miss you too.”
Dee Dee meows again.
“Remember when I got you? You were so little,” I say. “You were always getting lost because I couldn’t find you, until I realized you liked to hide in the space between my desk and my bed. I never even knew there was a sunbeam there until you started basking in it. You got so mad when I tried to move the desk that one time.”
Dee Dee stares at me.
“I love you,” I say, my voice breaking. “I’m sorry.”
Dee Dee continues to purr on my lap. I’m surprised, he’s so skittish, but I stroke the top of his body and he gets comfortable on my lap. We stay like that for a few minutes, Dee Dee purring and meowing on me, his large eyes never leaving me.
I don’t know how long I can stay here. I don’t know how long I should. The sound of knocking on the door startles me.
“Come in,” I say, despite everything in me wanting to tell whoever is out there to go away. This isn’t my house. I don’t get to do that.
I don’t even look up. I don’t wonder who it is. I don’t care. “Hi,” Rei says from behind me. I crane my neck to look at him. “I was worried about you.”
“Don’t be,” I say. Dee Dee gets to his feet and walks under the bed, so I guess that’s where he lives now. “I’m fine.”
“You look like shit.”
“You know how to make a girl feel special,” I say.
He doesn’t even crack a smile. “Can we talk?”
“We’re talking.”
He closes the door behind himself. “How can I help?” he asks.
