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“I thought you were a priest. I thought you couldn’t repeat the things people told me.”
“I can’t repeat the things people told me if they tell me in confession,” he replies. “You aren’t a Christian. You’ve never been confirmed. You’ve probably never even been baptized. If you want me to keep your secrets, you’re going to have to convert.”
“I’m not converting,” I say. I think he’s joking, but there’s no way for me to be sure.
“I didn’t think so,” he says. “That’s why you can’t ask me to keep your secrets.”
“Maybe you should have told me that before.”
“I didn’t want to tell you that before,” Luke replies. “Then you might’ve kept your secrets from me.”
“What about Rei?”
“You’re his girlfriend, not his patient,” Malon says. “You should know this.”
I can’t help but smile. “Am I Rei’s girlfriend?”
“I don’t know. Are you?” Malon asks. “Seems like a conversation you should have with him.”
I shake my head. It’s not a conversation I want to have with anyone, considering what has to happen. I don’t see what any of this has to do with my relationship status.
“Why are we here?” I ask as we go down the winding path that leads to the iron wrought fences. “Not at Alana’s, but, you know, on this walk.”
“Because there’s something we need to talk to you about and I don’t think you’re going to be cool about it,” Luke says. “I understand that you think killing yourself is your only solution, but…would you be okay with us talking to you about another option?”
“There are no other options,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’ve thought about this a lot.”
I can obviously tell they’re having a hard time broaching this topic, which is weird, considering how serious I am about this. I focus on the sound of our footsteps as we walk over the pavement, crunchy leaves underfoot.
“What about an exorcism?” Malon asks finally. “I mean, let’s go for the obvious solution before we go for something we can’t come back from.”
“It doesn’t work,” I say. “It’s never worked. How many times have we done this?”
“It hasn’t worked because of me,” Malon replies. “You wanted to keep me with you, so you did. You were never really willing to let me go, so…”
I shake my head. “Okay, let’s say I do an exorcism, and this time it works. What will happen to you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he says quickly. “I’m an adult, Trine. You’re not responsible for me.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m responsible for all of you. If it weren’t for me, none of you would be here in the first place,” I reply between gritted teeth. This was why I didn’t want them to tell. I knew they were going to try to talk me out of it and I didn’t think I had it in me to try to convince other people. Now I have to have this conversation, which I definitely didn’t want to have. “Luke, he’s not answering my question. What will happen to him?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I’m a priest. Not a psychic. I can’t predict the future.”
“But you want to do the exorcism too?”
“I want to do the sensible thing,” he replies. “And the sensible thing is for you to have an exorcism. Before you take any other drastic measures.”
I think about that for a few seconds. I’ve tried to do it before, but it never worked. I guess, if this is what they need to do in order to feel like they’ve done something, I owe them that, at the very least. But I do remember, from the first time, just how painful it was.
It sucked.
There’s a part of me that’s terrified of going through that pain again. But I’m doing this because I don’t want them to hurt again. This isn’t for me. If this is part of the process, then fuck it. It’s part of what I have to subject myself to and there’s nothing else to it.
I try my best not to let it shake me. “Luke,” I say. “Do you think it’ll work?”
He takes a second to answer. “I really hope so.”
“And if it doesn’t?” I want to use the word when, not if. But I don’t.
