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I glance up to the entry door Jackson just left through to fetch our order for Indian food since the storm messed with his Christmas plans too, and we ate all of his meal-worthy food—albeit cold—this morning. “I don’t know how to tell you this, and I don’t want you to freak out or freak Dad out so much that he’ll fly out here with his shotgun,” I start, biting my lip nervously.
My mom waves a flippant hand and snorts. “Your dad never freaks out. Besides, I made him lock up the shotgun unless he’s on the clock—especially after that incident with Gran last week.”
I blink. “Wait. What incident?”
“Nothing to concern yourself with. Just an old woman’s attempt at skeet shooting gone wrong. Go back to what you were telling me. Who is this Jackson person you’re with on Christmas, no less?” She peers curiously at the apartment behind me. “Did my daughter finally go and get herself a nice man to get you some?” The latter part is said like she’s a rapper.Oh lawd!
“Well…” I can’t help the blush that creeps into my cheeks and my mom breaks off, her mouth falling open.
“Oh. My. God!” she shrieks, and I wince as her volume increases. “OHMYGOD!” She almost drops her phone as she throws a hand up in the air and practically sings up at the ceiling.
“Mom! Calm down a minute.” I laugh as I shake my head and watch her lose her mind. My mom has never made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not ever having had a boyfriend, but now I know she was secretly sitting there hoping and praying for me more than she let on.
“Mom!” Now she’s running through the house yelling for Gran. “Guess what? Sophia went and got herself a man!”
“Did she get laid too?” Gran asks back.
Mortified, I drop my face into my palms and groan.
“Yes!” Mom responds, and now I’m shaking my head because I neither denied nor confirmed that. Still, I’m laughing. These two are nuts.
The picture on the screen shakes, then goes black, and all I can hear is Gran’s loud, “Sophia? Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t make you come.”
I frown and pull my head back. “OK?”
“Mom. It’s a video call. You don’t need to put it to your ear,” Mom says off screen.
“Oh.” The camera shakes again, and then I can see the top of Gran’s hair and part of her forehead. “There you are! Merry Christmas, Sophia! Congratulations on the sex! And if you ever say the words, ‘Ithinkhe makes me come’ then he’s a dud and you need to move on. Do you understand me, dear? Liking and loving someone is grand, but if they’re a terrible lover, no amount of personality will make up for it. That’s my gift to you.”
“OK, Gran. Thank you. And Merry Christmas.” My face is on fire right now. Thank God Jackson is in another room.
The phone shifts again, and Mom’s face reappears. “So…does he?” she asks, her eyes wide and eager.
“Does he what, Mom?”
“Make you, you know…” She giggles like she’s in high school, then Gran yells out, “Does he make you come?”
“Oh, my god. I’m not telling you that,” I say.
“Ah, he’s a dud.” Gran makes a disapproving noise as her voice fades away.
“No!” I argue. “He’s no dud. I just don’t want to discuss my sex life with you over the phone. Actually, I don’t want to discuss it at all.”
“He’s not a dud!” Mom tells Gran, and I roll my eyes because somehow, that’s the only bit of information she took from that.
Then Dad’s confused voice enters the conversation. “Who’s not a dud?”God help me.I place my hand over my face and just wait for this to be over.
“Sophia’s man, Vernon,” Gran explains. “He’s good in bed.”
“Bed?” Dad repeats. “Sophia’s not having sex? Is she? She’s too young!”
“She’s twenty-three,” Mom argues, followed by a thunderous, “Nina, I’m getting the shotgun!” from Dad.
“No, you won’t, Vernon Clarke!” Gran yells. “You leave that girl to her fun. You’re only young once, and if I remember correctly, you were a bit of a horny young thing when you came sniffing around my daughter ateighteen.”
“That was different,” Dad booms. “We were in love.”
“So are we!” I yell, and I witness a real Christmas miracle when they all actually stop. All three faces fill the screen as they turn their attention to me. It’s at the moment that the front door opens and Jackson walks in, carrying our bag of food.
