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DELANEY
“Why don’t you just tell me what happened,” Liz says as she bites the end off a candy cane and stares up at me with those doe eyes of hers. “You’ve been in a bad mood ever since you got back from Thanksgiving and frankly, ‘tis the season to be jolly, and you’re bumming me out.” She gives me a pointed look from where she sits at my dining table with her feet stretched across two chairs.
“I told you. It’s embarrassing,” I mutter, holding my bright floral bathing suit up and stretching it across my body, wondering if it’s still going to fit—I’ve gained a few pounds in recent weeks from stress eating. I’ve been in denial for days, but now that I’m packing for the cruise, I’m rethinking asking for extra whipped cream on my mint-flavored mocha each morning, as well as the half-pint of ice cream I ate most days. Ugh. Why does food have to make you feel good when you feel crappy then hang around like a bad memory on your hips? It’s unfair.
“As embarrassing as that time your bra broke, and your boob fell out of your dress on New Years?”
I scrunch my bathers up and toss them into my suitcase where it sits open on the table. “Worse.”
“Worse? Wow. It must be bad.” She places her feet on the floor then leans forward, resting her elbows on the table. “Was it asexthing?”
My cheeks burn as I roll up a silk kaftan and throw it in my bag as well. “We’ve been through this before, Liz. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“I wish you would. Nate is being tight-lipped too—believe me, I nagged Burt until he promised to grill Nate for me, and he’s keeping the details close to his chest. Did he…” She shifts her eyes side to side then lowers her voice before she continues, “fail to, you know, rise to the occasion?” She tilts the candy cane up to mime getting an erection.
“No! He had no issue in that department,” I blurt, feeling horrified by the idea. Something like that would have truly destroyed my self-confidence. As it is, my confidence is somewhat emboldened, however my conscience feels like shit.
“So itwasa sex thing!” She gasps, jumping on my slip up like a kid at a piñata party. “Iknew it.Tell me more? Was he too small? Too big? Crooked? A premature jizzer?” She fires questions off in quick succession.
“What?No. None of those things.”
“Then what? You have to talk about it some time. It’s obviously eating you up, Del. I’m your best friend. If anyone is going to understand you, it’s me.”
“I…” I start, picking up a handful of random T-shirts and dropping them into my suitcase along with most of the contents of my underwear drawer. I’m not even sure what I have anymore, just that throwing things in makes me feel productive.
“You what?”
Swallowing hard, I lift my eyes to hers and open my mouth. “I called him Liam.”
She frowns. “Isn’t that who you hired him to play?”
“Yes. But it’swhenI said it that’s the problem. We were…fooling around and I…I thought he was doing it because I’m paying him to want me but he wasn’t, and oh god, Liz, he’s the first man I’ve ever been completely attracted to, and I blew it. He barely even spoke to me after. I treated him like a prostitute.” It all comes out in a rush once I start, and now I’m just trying not to cry about it.
“Oh, hun.” Liz gets up and moves around the table, wrapping me in a tight hug. “Why didn’t you just tell me this? I’m sure you didn’t mean to say the wrong name. It would have been an easy slip up after calling him Liam all day.”
“But, it wasn’t an accident. I did it on purpose. I just…I didn’t think a man like him would want me. That’s why it’s so awful. Then he just froze, told me he doesn’t have sex for money and left.”
She pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “What’s so wrong with a girl like you?”
“Liz,” I say, exasperation in my voice because I hate having to point this out. People act like being overweight is the ‘thing that shall not be named’. Like, just acknowledge the fact I’m a bigger than normal woman and move on. “My own mother keeps setting me up with men who need glasses. If that doesn’t tell you I’m unsightly, nothing will.”
“But you’re not,” she argues. “Jesus, Del, you have no idea how gorgeous you are. OK, so you’re above average size, but big is the new beautiful, and your hair is naturally the color people pay big bucks to emulate, and your skin—oh my god, don’t even get me started on how flawless your skin is. You’re like one of the porcelain dolls my grandmother used to collect. And then you have beautiful eyes and a smile that makes even my heart weep—and I actually hate cutesy things—so from where I’m standing, you’re a total catch. And I know,I know, you weren’t trying to hurt Nate’s feelings or treat him likehe sells his body to the night.”She’s doing the Count Von Count voice again, and it’s actually making me smile despite myself.
“You’re an idiot.” I wipe at my eyes and shake my head at her affectionately.
“An idiot who got you to laugh, right?” she says, smiling as she taps me under the chin.
“Yeah. The best kind.”
“And since we know you’re the best kind of idiot too, maybe we can stop beating ourselves up over Nate. You’re about to go on a ten day cruise with the man. So it’s not over. You just need to talk to him, be open and honest, explain why you felt the way you did, and I’m sure he’ll understand.”
“What if he doesn’t?” I ask, frowning with worry.
“Then he’s a giant butthead and we don’t like him anymore.”
Leaning in, I wrap my arms around her in a big bear hug. “I wish you were coming on this cruise too.”
“Someone’s gotta stay behind and keep the business going. But you go and have some fun. Let go of all that bullshit baggage your parents gave you and figure out that you are a beautiful goddess with a heart of gold. Any man worth your time will see that. Thank me by making me a godmother to your gorgeous blue-eyed babies.”
