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Dad was taking a drink, but he lowered the bottle. “No, you haven’t applied early?”
“No, I’m not going to Yale, and I’m not taking over for you.”
His almost jovial demeanor shifted to one I was more familiar with, his voice menacing when he asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m not going to college, and I haven’t decided what I want to do with my life.”
His expression darkened. That look entered his eyes: the one I knew meant he was feeling physical. If he thought he could beat me into submission, he was in for a surprise.
“Come again.”
“You heard me. The only reason I haven’t left already is because you have a long reach, but I’m working on it.”
“On what?” my dad snarled.
I was purposely provoking him, knew just what buttons to push, because after hurting Cedar again, I deserved to feel some pain. “On getting out from under your manipulative and abusive thumb.”
“My what?”
“Come on, Dad. There’s no one here; you don’t have to pretend. If you’re not putting your cock in some random bitch, you’re hitting me with either words or fists. I get it…” I looked over at my mom who was in a drug and alcohol induced haze. “You broke your wife; you need some entertainment.”
“How dare you—”
“Seriously. You think you have any right to be outraged. You’ve been abusing me since I was a little kid. Your disinterest in your wife turned her into a fucking zombie. I’m guessing you spread it around because you probably can’t get it up.”
The punch knocked me back. Unlike usual, he went for the face. Stars filled my vision, but even as my face throbbed, I smiled. “That was careless. What will people think?”
I’d never seen him like he was, as if the mask he wore was removed, and the monster that lived under it came to the surface. He was ugly, I already knew that, but he was evil too.
“You will do as I say,” he hissed.
“No. I won’t.”
It was a day of firsts because the look on his face was like I’d hit him. My dad was methodical, thinking everything through, but not then. He reacted when he roared, “Get the fuck out. I won’t waste another cent on you.”
“That works for me.”
I didn’t go to my room. There was nothing in it that I wanted. My car was mine, paid for by me. I walked right by him, met his hard stare with one of my own. My mother had nothing to say. Not a single word. I walked out without so much as a goodbye.
It wasn’t until I was down the street that I pulled over, almost opened the car door, because I felt sick. It wasn’t over. I knew that. My dad would calm down, regroup, before he came at me again and hit me even harder. He’d take my not toeing the line as a personal insult because it looked bad that he didn’t have control over his son, that his son wouldn’t do what was expected of him. It wasn’t about me; it was all about him and his image.
I had some things to think about, but right now, I needed a place to stay. I headed to the garage, but I couldn’t help but wonder what it was that had him in such a good mood. What was it I’d done that I hadn’t told him? I didn’t give it much thought because, whatever it was, if it made him happy, I wouldn’t be doing it again. Parking around back, I used my key and entered through the back door. I wasn’t there for more than a minute when Harry appeared.
“There are cold drinks in the fridge. Help yourself. You staying longer, you can stock it with food. Use the kitchen in my place, if needed.”
I opened my mouth to thank him, but he cut me off. “Paying it forward. Was where you are, someone offered me a hand. Thank me by continuing the tradition.”
He left after that, his footsteps on the stairs followed, the door to his apartment closing shortly after.
I settled on the bed. I was going to need to get some clothes, but I’d deal with that tomorrow. Tonight, I took a deep breath, having taken the first step to get away from my dad, and the one and only person I wanted to talk to was the one I was trying to shield from the ugly. Talk about a fucking catch twenty-two.
I got afew stares walking down the hall at school. As predicted, Kenneth had left his mark on my face. A few girls asked about it, but I shrugged it off. I looked for Cedar, hadn’t slept at all last night, but I didn’t have the cot to blame for that. I shouldn’t have approached her. I should have kept things how they were, watching from a distance, but talking to her again, being around her, turned on the light, and after being in the dark for so long, I didn’t want to go back. I drew the rainbow down from the sky. When what you wanted was right there for the taking, how the hell did you resist?
She wasn’t at her locker. Had probably already gone to her first class. My class was on the other side of the school. I had no reason to walk that way, particularly when the person I wanted to see didn’t want to see me. Didn’t stop me, though. The door to her room was open. She was there, in the front row as was her way, but unlike usual, she didn’t have her notebook out. She always had her notebook out. It was because of me and that hit hurt more than the punch to the face last night.
I was late to class, didn’t pay attention to the lecture, struggling with knowing what I should do and what I wanted to do. I was still struggling at lunch. Entering the cafeteria, Cedar wasn’t there. She was always at the same table, working in her notebook, her lunch forgotten. I didn’t bother with getting food, just joined Declan.
Declan took one look at me, his focus on the bruise, but unlike his usual don’t give a shit attitude, he looked thoughtful before he asked, “You good?”
