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“Daddy!” Ben cried when I walked into my mom’s living room. He jumped up from the blocks he and Mom were building on the floor, and I kneeled. He flew into my arms, nearly tackling me backward. “You’re early.”
“You bet,” I said. “I didn’t want to spend the whole night away from you.” I ruffled his dark hair before I straightened. Mom smiled and hoisted herself up from the ground, leaning on the couch.
“Thanks for watching him, Mom,” I said, kissing her cheek. “This is just until I find a new sitter, I promise.”
“You need more than a sitter, honey. Get an au pair. I told you this before.”
“I don’t want to let someone else raise him,” I said.
“It’s not about that. Being an au pair doesn’t mean you spend less time with him than you’re doing now. It’s just a more permanent position, so you know what you have. Here.” She walked to her handbag on a cabinet close to the door and fished out a business card.
Placement Au Pair Agencyit read.
“Call them. You can’t end up with less than you already have, and you never know; it might change your life.”
I nodded. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll give them a call first thing in the morning.”
She smiled at me, and I sent Ben to collect his things from the spare bedroom where he slept when he stayed over at my parents’ house.
I hated admitting that I needed help, but I was over my head. I’d thought it would get easier as Ben got older, and in a way, it had. It was a lot less physical care than it had been when he’d been a baby, and he was old enough to understand things better now. I still had to make arrangements, and no matter what I decided in life, I had to consider Ben first. I guess parenting was like that, no matter the situation, but doing it alone was taxing.
“Let me know if you find someone,” Mom said. “Until you do, I don’t mind helping out. I love Ben, and we have the best time together. Isn’t that right, Ben?” Mom asked Ben when he ran back into the room and caught the backend of her sentence.
“Yeah, we have a ton of fun!” Ben cried out.
“Give your grandma a hug,” Mom said and kneeled. Ben wrapped his arms around her neck before she straightened again. “Next time you come, I’ll show you a magic trick.”
Ben beamed. He would remember and hold her to it. Ben’s memory was like an elephant, and he was more stubborn than I ever remembered being when I was his age.
“Thanks again for helping, Mom,” I said and kissed her cheek again. “Ready to go, champ?”
Ben nodded, and we left the house. I strapped him into the car. He was turning ten this year and getting too big for a car seat, so we stopped using it in the last couple of weeks. I couldn’t believe how much he was growing.
“What are we doing when we get home?” Ben asked.
“We can watch a bit of a movie before bed,” I offered.
Ben nodded, and I got behind the wheel. Mom waved at us when I pulled out of the driveway and headed to our apartment on the outskirts of Seattle.
I would have wanted to stay at the Cavaliers HQ with my friends longer. Even with my brother there––who could be a real pain in my ass––I wanted to kick back and relax and not be on dad duty all the time.
Sometimes, I felt like my life was slipping through my fingers. These were the years that were supposed to be the best, the times I looked back on one day where I could say I had my fun and got all my shit out of the way before I settled down. I couldn’t do that now, and it pissed me off.
Noah had had his fun. He’d fucked around when I’d gone home to be a parent every night. Sure, he was settled now, with a wife and a baby boy to go home to and to take care of, but he’d had his experiences. I hadn’t had mine. Everything I’d done was for Ben, to make sure he was okay. All my choices revolved around him and what he needed from me.
His mom had ditched him. I wouldn’t ever do that to him. I never wanted him to feel unwanted.
I just wished I could catch a break one day.
I glanced in the rearview mirror. Ben had fallen asleep, his head lolling to the side, and as we passed streetlights, they lit up his angelic face. My heart constricted. I wish I could take a photo right now. I committed the picture to memory.
No matter what happened in my life, what I missed out on, I wouldn’t change a thing. If I had to go back and do it all over again, I would take my boy in again in a heartbeat. I would raise him, care for him, and love him, because he was everything. No matter what I lost, I would never want to lose him.
That counted for something.
3
JADE
