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“I’ll talk to Alex about it, but the idea is fucking awesome. It would be fun to do something experimental. Nothing we have to worry about getting on the radio.” I feel the germination of excitement at being creative again. “Meanwhile, let’s think about putting together another band meeting. One where Connor is here to participate. I’d like to get some clarity on what our plans are one way or the other.”
“Yup. Me too. I’m not ready for LTZ to be over, though. Just putting it out there.” Zane pinches the upper part of his nose.
“Me either, my brother.”
After we wrap up the call, I decide to head back home. I pull out my laptop and log into my coursework for the Institute of Human-Animal Connection. Before we adopted Lena, Alex and I planned to use LTZ’s year off to get our certifications and get her horse therapy business up and running. Despite all good intentions, we started on it, but our timing went out the window with a toddler in the house.
Alex’s health hasn’t made it easy to pick it back up again either.
As I scroll through my reading materials, I wonder whether it’s still our dream. Or even Alex’s dream. She loves our horses, but I’m not sure how all of this is going to come together. With the band. And the rescue. It’s important work. It would be a shame to give up on it.
I can’t help but feel a little down on myself.
Catching up with my pops and Zane has given me some things to think about. Things that were already gnawing at me. I’ll admit, I feel uncomfortably unsettled. Unsure of which way my life is going. For the first time in my adult life.
The only thing that seems permanent is my family. Lena & Alex.
What’s up in the air is everything with the band.
It’s not a great feeling to wonder if we’re still on the same page.
Not at all.
Jace is holed away in the practice room playing drums again. My dad took Lena for ice cream. Jen and Becca are away on vacation. Zoey isn’t picking up the phone. Mom is out with friends. The horses have been fed and exercised. All the pets are fine and out doing their thing.
Leaving me alone for a change. Struggling with my thoughts.
I’m trying to keep things “Fonzie,” as Zoey’s dad always says. Somehow the phrase that Zoey and I picked up as little girls from him has permeated the entire LTZ world. I mean, none of us are old enough to be familiar with this Fonzie character. All I remember is he’s a guy in a leather coat who always keeps a cool head.
Anyway, I’d love to think I’m a natural Fonzie. I like to go with the flow. My current problem is the flow I’m being forced to go with sucks.
Big time.
It’s not really a flow at all, truth be told.
There’s just too many things up in the air. I used to thrive on uncertainty. The idea that you can go where the wind blows whenever you want. I lived that way for many years when I was flitting all over the world as a social media travel influencer.
I was very successful. It made me rich. It also gave me many treasured memories. Falling in love with Jace is, hands-down, the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
We created our own flow.
Our flow hasn’t always been smooth. It slowed to a trickle during all the paternity bullshit. When we adopted Lena, it steadied and took on a life of its own. I truly believe navigating my endometriosis and miscarriages as well as we have has been possible because of our flow.
Why, then, am I so scared about our flow moving in opposite directions? It’s shocking to me that I feel this way. A couple of months ago, I believed we were in perfect sync.
I think, for me, I’ve held myself back because I knew he’d eventually leave again. LTZ is likely going to make a huge return to the music world. They’ll record an album, release it and tour. If the music connects with the listeners—and it will—Jace’s obligations to the band will take over our lives.
At the exact time he and I are trying to have a viable pregnancy.
Who knew I’d be so fertile? Even with half my parts. My body is just not cooperating in letting the embryo implant itself and grow into a baby. Dr. Madison seems to believe I can get there, but after losing three pregnancies, it’s starting to take an emotional toll on both of us.
I’m wondering if it’s worth it.
Jace bops down the stairs mopping his forehead with a hand towel. “Hey, did you take a look at the bus mockups?”
“Not yet.” I flick through some messages on my phone. “I trust you to configure it. It’s not like I’m going to be able to be out on the road for an entire tour. Especially if we have an infant.”
His face falls. “The idea is each of us will travel in a customized tour bus with our families. I need your input to make sure we have what we need. It’s ours forever, so I want us to design it together.”
