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Minutes later, our caper works. Jace is safely hiding behind a bush. For all I know, Ty’s in the bushes too.
Taking a deep breath to mentally prepare myself, I push the door open and give, what I hope, is the appropriate level of enthusiasm for my future godchild. I can’t help but rub Zoey’s belly. “Holy shit, Z. Look at this! Have you really been impregnated by the lead singer of LTZ?”
“Do you think he’ll notice me if I have his baby?” Zoey playfully juts out her hip and twirls her hair.
I bite my lip and try to course correct the stupid lie the boys told. “I’m sorry about when you were over. I should have just told you I wasn’t feeling well. You just came all that way.”
“It’s all good. Is everything okay now?”
“It’s all fine, just some hormone adjustments. I haven’t wanted to bog you down with it because of your little man in there.” I can’t stop myself from touching her again. “Can we talk about it later, though? Fiona texted me. She wanted us to pop over to her house for some appetizer she’s testing out. I’m kinda hungry, and, well, it’s Fee. Should we go?”
Zoey grabs a jacket and we set off. I wink at Jace when we pass. Luckily, she doesn’t even notice. “I’m supposed to walk thirty minutes a day. Can we take the scenic route so I get my exercise in?”
I text Fee to let her know what’s up. Zoey and I keep the conversation light as we weave through the mansions in her neighborhood. When we approach Fee’s house, it’s clear she’s gone all out for this shower. The dead giveaway is the blue balloon explosion. She has literally every shade I can imagine lining their walkway leading up to a fifteen-foot arch. “Surprise!” I jump up and down and clap my hands. “We fooled you!”
I’m surprised by how emotional I feel. It doesn’t help that Zoey sobs unabashedly. She’s so touched. As she should be. Our friends are incredible. They’ve all shown up for Zoey. So have all the moms. Fee’s outdone herself. The cake is amazing. The food’s world class. It’s a wonderful way to welcome Zoey to the fold.
Ronni stands and uses her spoon to tap on her glass. “Zoey, on behalf of all of us here, we welcome you to the mother club. It’s an experience like no other.”
“Absolutely. And to your third trimester. Heartburn, constipation, giant tits, and the inability to ever get comfortable,” Fiona toasts.
We banter and joke and tell stories. The entire afternoon is one big TMI. All I can think about is how much I want to confide my fertility journey to all of these fabulous women. Tell them about what I’ve been through. I’m not sure why I’ve been so closed off because they’d embrace me. Support me. Be there for me.
I do know that Zoey’s baby shower isn’t the appropriate time to share I’ve had two miscarriages. “Enough of the sappy shit. Presents. Now.”
Zoey stands and plunks back down. She looks uncomfortable and flushed. I have flashbacks to the award show when she spent the evening in the bathroom. She recovers quickly, and we all move into the living room.
Her mom helps her to the couch. “Once that belly pops, the discomfort starts. Get used to it.”
Tiny, gorgeous Ronni, who looks like she’s never even thought of having a baby let alone birthing twins, laments, “You should have seen my belly when I hit five months. I never thought I’d look skinny again. Well, I don’t, but man. I was twice your size. The twins, God love them, have fucked up my body big time.”
I chime in, and I cannot believe the words out of my mouth. “You’re gorgeous, Ronni. But, to your point, I can’t say I’m envious. I didn’t have to go through any of that shit and I have a beautiful daughter.”
Fuck me.Defensive much?
I sound like such a demented bitch. I’m hiding the truth. I’m so fucking ashamed of myself. Luckily, no one seems to notice. I guess they’re used to my insensitive comments about pregnancy. It’s hard for me to concentrate for the rest of the shower. I manage to smile and nod at the appropriate moments until it’s time to go back to Zoey’s house. Her mom and I help her take the smaller bags and boxes on the short walk home.
It’s painfully clear she’s in distress. Cramping. I know exactly what she feels like because I’ve been there so many times. When we get her settled on the couch in her living room, I run downstairs to the studio.
I grip Ty’s bicep and squeeze gently. Careful to keep my voice calm. “Ty, Zoey’s having some cramps. Don’t freak out, she’s probably fine, but you should take her to the hospital to be sure.”
“Fuck.” Ty’s face goes pale. “Okay. I’ll go take care of her.”
After he disappears up the stairs, Jace wraps his arms around me. “Is she okay?”
I burst into tears. “Gawd, I hope so. Ireallyhope so.”
Zane and Connor look at me like I’ve grown a third head.
“Uh, Alex, do you need anything?” Connor’s deep voice is tinged with an Irish lilt. “Are you okay?”
“I am. We just had such a beautiful day.” I sniff. “Jace, there’s nothing we’ll be able to do here. I want to get home to Lena. Zoey will text me from the hospital.”
We say quick goodbyes. Ty, Zoey, and her mom are gone by the time we get upstairs, so we just leave.
“Poppy, tell me the truth. What’s going on?”
I gaze out the window. Decide to tell the truth. “Everyone thinks my endometriosis is in the past. I’m regretting not being truthful. I regret that I’m still letting them think I don’t want any more kids. Going through all of this with you, gawd. You couldn’t be a better partner. Truly. But so much of being a woman is about all these changes our bodies go through. I wish I could just talk to them. I’m being so stupid.”
