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Connor doesn’t say a word but acknowledges what she says with a slight head tilt.
My arm remains wrapped around Alex, who’s crying so hard she’s shaking. Seeing Zoey on the verge of giving birth is too much for her today. She’s holding it together, but only by the most delicate thread.
Zoey’s gaze is fixed on Alex. Her eyes soften when Alex begins to tremble and she moves to get up. I hold up my hand to stop her. I’m not a complete asshole, I’d never keep them apart. It’s just not the right time. I’m certain Zoey doesn’t know why Alex is having such an emotional reaction. I’m also certain if Zoey hugged Alex right now, my Poppy would have a breakdown in front of the entire group. Not happening on my watch. “Not right now, Zoey. We have our own things going on, and she can’t handle this.”
“Alex?” Zoey ignores me but remains frozen in place. “What can I do? Please—”
Alex chokes out, “Give me a day or two, Z.”
It’s time for me to take charge. We’re done for the day. I’m taking Alex, picking up Lena and the three of us will go back home into our bubble. “Guys, we’ve gotta head out. I’m glad you’re dealing with your shit, Ty. As Alex said, give us a day or two to process.”
When we walk past him and out the door, Ty hands me a piece of paper. I take it, but after I get Alex settled into the front seat, I crumple it up and toss it into the back. Not my priority right now. When I get into the driver’s side, I turn to Alex. “Talk to me, Poppy. I know it was hard for you to see Zoey so heavily pregnant. Is that what’s wrong?”
She nods. Unable to talk for a minute. When she finds her voice, it’s shaky and broken. “I didn’t expect it. I’m happy for her. I am. It’s just...too much. I want what she has. Well, maybe not all of the Ty drama, oh holy hell—I’m such anasshole.”
“Well, then I’m an asshole too.” I tip her chin up so her eyes meet mine. “I feel exactly the same way.”
Alex places her hand on my thigh. “Can we go somewhere? Just you and me?”
“Now?”
She nods. Tears pool in her eyes. “Mom will keep Lena tonight if we ask. I just need a break—”
My lips crush hers. I know what she needs, and I’m going to give it to her.
Whenever she wants.
However she wants.
Because LTZ be damned, there is no limit to what I’ll do to make Alex feel like herself again.
Even if it means turning my back on my band.
We arrive at Ty and Zoey’s house, which is absolutely gorgeous. The gold and silver holiday decorations are abundant but tasteful, fully on point. The food smells amazing. Something tells me, after three years’ running, Christmas Eve is going to be a tradition at the Rainier’s Seattle house for many years to come.
All the holiday spirit is cool and all, but today’s extra special for me. Jace and I get to see my godson, Oliver. He’s nearly two months old and I’ve only seen him when all the kids came to the ranch for the holiday horse pictures.
Yeah, that’s going to be a new LTZ tradition too.
Zoey’s been incredibly understanding about my need to process all that happened this past year, though. So has Ty. Even though we essentially ghosted them for a bit, they trusted we had our reasons to go dark after Ty’s bombshell announcement.
After all, the two of them have made a career out of dramatic disappearing acts. They can hardly cast judgment.
As for me, gawd, I thought I had it all together. I truly believed I’d come to terms with what happened. Of course, classic me—bury my own feelings and pretend everything is fine.
Oh, how wrong I was. When my best friend walked into the room looking like she could give birth any second, I realized one sad truth. I’d never grieved our baby. All my focus—and Jace’s, truth be told—was on healing the severe physical trauma to my body. Mourning the loss of my fertility, maybe.
Never the loss of our baby.
How did I forget such an important piece of the puzzle?
The second Zoey walked into the room and Jace felt my reaction, he knew what was happening. And he was prepared.
Within seconds after we rushed out of Zane’s house, Jace triggered the plan he’d made to honor our baby and what happened to us. Yes, tous. Not just me. He wanted to help us find our way forward. To acknowledge and be at peace with our new normal.
That night, he drove us to his folks’ house. They were away in Mexico, so we had the entire mansion to ourselves. We bundled up in thick coats, grabbed a couple of heavy blankets and sat at the end of the dock. One by one, we floated six votive candles, perched on beautiful poppy biodegradable paper lanterns, out into Lake Washington. One for each week of our baby’s life. We cried for him. Or her.We’ll never know. We cried for ourselves. We cried for our baby who never had a chance to live.
Then we snuggled watching the candles float in all directions until the flames flickered out.
