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My body tenses and I wonder if I’ve made a mistake in what I’ve just chosen to do.
CHAPTERTWELVE
LUCAS
“What wasI supposed to do Holly? Your life wasn’t going to be here in Blizzard Bluff and we’d just found out Dad was sick. I knew this was my future. Knew I wasn’t going to do any of the things I’d hoped to, my family needed help and it was up to me to step up. The best thing I knew to do for you, was to let you go. No matter how much it killed me.”
I’ve kept this to myself for almost eight years. Haven’t told a soul that I’d planned to follow her wherever it was she wanted to go. That her dream was going to be mine.
“What are you saying, Lucas?”
“I was going to offer to go with you,” I whisper, inhaling deeply. “Wherever it was that you ended up, whatever your dream was, it was going to be mine. I was prepared to pivot and make your dreams ours.”
“What happened?” She asks, leaning over to grab my hand in hers.
"A week before I was going to tell my parents, we got my Dad's diagnosis. Things were pretty grim, and I knew we'd somehow have to keep the family business going if there was any way we'd be able to survive it as a family. Devin was already at college, had settled into a routine, and dad let slip they'd mortgaged the house for him to get his education. There were a lot of things riding on the next few years being profitable for Fortner Construction. Somebody had to step up and at the time it was going to be me."
“Luke,” she reaches over, cupping my bearded cheek in the palm of her hand. “You had to grow up so much faster than anyone else I’ve ever known.”
“I chose to, and it’s not like I didn’t get to have fun times. He went into remission for three years. I looked you up on Facebook,” I admit, ducking my head slightly with embarrassment. “But you had established yourself in Boston and you had a boyfriend at the time. In the back of my mind, I knew,” I lick my lips. “I knew cancer would get the better of him, and I still couldn’t leave. I wanted to, wanted desperately to come and find you, but I had no place in your life anymore.”
She blows out a breath. “I wish I could say you were wrong, and that you would’ve always had a place in my life, but you’re right. I was so busy trying to be someone I’m not. I lost myself, and the last few days I’ve started to find who I am again. It isn’t in the way I always imagined it would be, but it’s close.”
Now’s the time for us to lay everything out on the line. To see if the ghost of Christmas past can help affect the present.
"So this is what I have to say to you." I focus my eyes on hers. "What I need is a partner. Someone who wants to do life with me, who wants to help with the business, and won't mind if I'm late to the dinner table. I'm supporting not only myself, but my mom and that means the world to me. I have a few guys who help me off and on, but the majority of the work I do myself. I need someone who's willing to get in there andhelpme. Whether it be bookkeeping, holding a ladder, chasing payments, or getting me some steady workers. I can’t do everything on my own anymore,” I admit. “And then I need that same person, to be there for me when I come to bed at night. I need them to let me reach other and bury my head in their neck, let me lean on them when things are hard, and let me hold them when they’re falling apart.”
She takes that moment to do what I’ve said, leaning her head onto my shoulder. “Do you want me to be that person for you, Luke?”
Digging my fingers into her hair, I force her to look into my eyes. “Only if that’s what you want, but I don’t want a snap decision, Holl. After the last few days we’ve had here, I want you to be sure. My adult heart is more tender than my teenage one was. Take your time, think about it, and tell me what it is you want to do.”
“My first instinct is to say yes,” she tilts her head to the side.
My response to those words is immediate. My heart pounds and I want to accept it, however I also know this woman. I know what her dreams were, and I never want to be the reason she didn’t pursue them, which is why I let her go the first time. “Sleep on it, let me know after Christmas. I won’t be here when you wake up in the morning, but know you’ll be in my thoughts.”
“Okay,” her voice is small.
I hate I’m the one who made it be that way, but to save myself, I’ve got to put up boundaries. Ones I didn’t have as a teenager.
CHAPTERTHIRTEEN
HOLLY
Christmas Day
After spending twenty-four hours in the cabin with Lucas, I’ve come to a crazy realization.
It was good.
Really good.
I didn’t have to hide who I was. Didn’t have to pretend like my life growing up was something it wasn’t. He already knew all my secrets from when I was a teenager. He’d seen me with braces in middle school, had seen that huge acne breakout on my face our freshman year.
The kicker?
He’d loved me anyway, and I had thrown it all away for what I perceived to be the next big thing. What I thought would make me happy in the long run, and it only dealt me a hand of heartache and not rising to what my full potential is.
I’m still unsure what I’m going to do with my life, but I suspect that’s always been the case.
