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Oh, God, she had given up a lucrative commission for this. For a man who didn’t even see how much the world revolved around him.
Her hands started to shake. ‘I mean that this...’ she gestured, between them ‘...you and me? Nothing’s changed. It’s all about you and what you want.’
‘No, that’s not—’
‘What about my company? My business—mylife—in London?’
For the first time that evening his gaze went blank. ‘What about it?’
‘Do you expect me to just bring it with me to Madrid? All my London-based staff—are they to come with us too? Or do I just get rid of it, and play nursemaid to your family?’
‘That is not fair,’ he said, standing up in anger and slashing a hand through the air.
‘No,’ she admitted, instantly regretting her words. ‘Gabi does need help and support and I would never refuse her either. But you seem to think that I have nothing better to do with my time. I have a business that is just as valid as yours,’ she said, his scoff enraging her further, ‘evenif it does not make as much money as yours do. I can’t believe that I turned down a commission for this.’ She actually growled, grabbing her skirts instead of the hair she wanted to pull at her head. ‘Javier! Don’t you see?’ she asked, allowing the hurt to enter her tone. ‘Can’t you see it? All the plans you’ve made, all the decisions, they’re all about you and your family.’
‘Emily, you are my wife. They are your family too.’ His statement hit her like an accusation.
This was going so terribly wrong. Why did he sound so horriblyreasonable?Something was building deep within her, emulsifying fear with guilt and hurt with anger. She’d done it again. She’d started to revolve around him. Because...because shedidlove him. She loved him so much that the worst thing about his plans was how much she wanted them. How much she wanted to move to wherever he was, how much she wanted to give everything up to make sure that Gabi was okay. How much she wanted to focus on a family with him. How tempted she was to let go of the company she’d built from the ground up. But fear made her harsh and put words in her mouth she would never have uttered rationally and she lashed out.
‘So you would move to England then? You would run your empire from London? Bring Gabi and set up there instead?’
He tried to hold her gaze but he couldn’t and when he looked away she knew it was lost. That she wasn’t enough to make those sacrifices for.
Javier shook his head, disgust and bitterness in his eyes. ‘You were just waiting for this, weren’t you? Waiting for any excuse. You havealwayshad one foot outside of this marriage, ready to leave when you wanted to. Even six years ago,’ he accused. ‘You could have talked to me at any point about what you were feeling, but you didn’t then, and you’re not doing it now—you’re walking out on meagain. There is no honesty here,’ he all but spat.
‘Honest? You want honest?’ She laughed bitterly. ‘Tell me, did you once think about my job or my life in London when you made your plans? Did you even think of talking to me about what I wanted from my future? No, you didn’t because you’re just like—’ In shock she pressed her hand against her mouth—horrified by the words that she had only just held back.
‘Say it,’ he demanded, eyes turned almost black with anger.
‘No, I didn’t mean—’ she struggled, back-pedalling furiously.
‘You were going to tell me I was just like my mother.’ He shook his head, absolutely nothing in his eyes now. ‘Isn’t that funny? Well, I guess no one could ever accuse you of being like your mother, because if youdidlove me you could never have said that.’
The hurt passing back and forth between them cut her so deeply that it would leave a scar for ever. ‘Javi, this isn’t—’
‘You can go.’ He dismissed her with a flick of his hand towards the door.
She went to him, tried to pull him round to face her, but he was as immovable as stone. ‘I’m sorry, Javi, I honestly didn’t mean that. You are nothing like her. You never have been.’
She tried to manoeuvre herself round to face him, but he kept shutting her out. ‘Javi, you know that was not what I meant. Please. You accused me of not wanting to talk. I’m here, wanting to talk,’ she pleaded. And just like that, in the space of less than five minutes they had repeated the entire cycle of their marriage. Passion, commitment, withdrawal, and silence.
She had no idea if he heard her or not, but after a long painful moment she knew she had lost him. The implication was too raw, too hurtful, and the argument with his mother far too recent. Tears filled her eyes, for herself, for Javier, for what they could have had...had he not been right. That shewasscared. Scared of becoming like her mother—a woman who lost her entire sense of self to someone else.
She was by the front door when she heard his steps in the house behind her and she paused, thinking that maybe he’d call her back. Tell her that they were being silly. That they could start again. But instead he said, ‘Esteban will take you to the airfield.’ And he closed the door behind her.
Javier sat on the patio steps, head spinning and heart aching as the night passed overhead. Diabla wound her way between his legs, nudging the palm of his hand with her nose and meowing as if in mourning for what they had lost.
What had happened?
He ran through the events of yesterday again and again, trying to work out how he had lost so much in such a short space of time. He didn’t know where to start because his mother’s awful behaviour dived into Emily’s accusations. They had hurled hurts at each other that should never have been said.
Emily had been wrong, he internally raged. He wasn’t like his mother...but even he could see that in his determination tonotbe, he had become someone who would not bend, would not deviate from his plans. He’d had to be like that. Because growing up with Renata had meant orbiting around her—revolving around her moods and her whims or else.
But that word—orbit—reminded him of something Emily had said days before. The way she’d described her mother and her stepfather as if he were the sun to her moon. His gut began to curl. It was Emily’s fear—he knew that. Losing her sense of self to someone else.
He’d not put the two together before, but now he had made the connection he realised that hedidknow what it felt like to lose himself to someone. He knew Emily’s fear as a real thing that had happened to him and the thought that she feared that with him? That Emily feared losing herself to him?
Nausea swelled in his stomach. That he could have made her feel anything like that...
