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“Hey, buddy. Where does it hurt?”
He kept crying, paying me no attention. His face was red and blotchy, and his cries were ear-piercing in their intensity. I balled my fists at my sides, a knot forming in my throat. I was trying to stay calm, for everyone. But I didn’t know how to help. I hated not knowing how to help.
“Hey,” I said in a soft tone, scooting closer. Trying a different tactic, even though I had a feeling it wouldn’t work. But I had to try.
“No!” He pushed out his hand, shoving me away just as I’d feared. “I don’t want you!” he yelled, and I felt utterly helpless.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, crouched down to his level, and tried to get closer. I was his father, and I should be able to comfort him. But he turned away yet again, putting his back to me.
“I want—” He hiccupped around a sob. “I only want Mommy!”
“Hey.” I placed my hand on his shoulder. He spun around and started kicking at me. I held up my hands to protect myself. “I can’t let you hurt me.”
When he wouldn’t stop, I backed away. I took a few deep breaths, but he just kept chanting, “I want Mommy. I want Mommy,” over and over again.
It was tearing me apart.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. The screams. The pleas for Tessa. I slammed my fist against the floor. “She’s not here, damn it!”
Everyone froze, and then Maddox started wailing even louder.Fuck.
It was heartbreaking to know my son was hurting but not be able to help him. To know I’d made it worse.
At this point, I knew there was nothing more I could do. He didn’t want me, and I was only upsetting him. So I retreated to the kitchen, shooting Ellie a helpless look, which she correctly interpreted as a plea for assistance.
“Hey.” Ellie crouched down beside Maddox. She talked to him in a low voice, and I couldn’t hear what she said, but he seemed to be calming down. I felt both powerless and grateful; it was frustrating.
Savannah grabbed an ice pack from the kitchen, but not before glaring at me. Becauseclearly,this was all my fault.
I mean, could I really blame her? I was the parent. Or at least, I was supposed to act like an adult.
Ellie said something about “tips the cows over.” Then she started laughing, and Maddox did too. Why couldn’t I have done that?
Eventually, Maddox calmed down. But I was still struggling to regulate my emotions. How could I have lost it like that?
“So…” Ellie said after it was clear Maddox was okay. “I don’t know if this would be okay with your dad, but if it is, do you all want to help me with a makeup tutorial?”
River’s eyes went wide, and he fist-pumped the air. “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Savannah seemed to perk up at the idea, then turned to me, hands clasped before her. “Please, Dad?”
I turned to Ellie, and before the question was out of my mouth, she said, “I already talked to Wren about it, and she said absolutely.”
I laughed. Well, okay then. “Go for it. As long as you don’t post any pics of them online.” What she did online was her business, even if I didn’t understand the appeal. But my kids were my responsibility. And they were too young to decide about their online presence when they didn’t fully understand the implications.
“Of course not,” Ellie said to me then turned to the kids. “Eat your snack, then we’ll go upstairs. Yeah?”
“Yeah!” They all ran over to the table and started eating their apples with peanut butter and marshmallows.
While the kids were distracted, I approached Ellie and placed my hand on the small of her back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost it like that. Thank you for stepping in.”
She kept her attention on the dishes. “I know it’s hard sometimes to keep your cool. Trust me, I do. Especially with little ones.”
“Thanks,” I sighed, grateful she wasn’t judging me or my parenting skills.
She was the first person I’d confided in about the kids, apart from their trauma counselor. And while my parents saw some of our struggles, they tried to keep things light and fun for the kids. I was grateful for that, but sometimes it made me feel even more alone.
I dipped my head, careful to keep my voice low. “I just… Why does Maddox always have to push me away?”
