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“I was. I don’t remember it, but I know Fin does. He was older, six by then, so he remembers that day. I don’t. I don’t even remember her. She just left because she didn't want us anymore. She wasn't having an affair or anything, she just didn't want to be a mother. So, she left. My dad wasn't really interested in being a parent, so he mostly left us to ourselves. He never did the whole Christmas thing with us. No tree, decorating, gifts, Santa Claus, or big family dinner, nothing. When he started dating thiswoman when I was eight, I thought things might be different. I felt left out not having a mother, and I thought it would be nice to have one again. But that wasn't her plan. She had kids of her own and didn't want anymore, so we were sent to live with his parents when she married my dad. I was ten by then. My grandparents were old, and they didn't want to be raising kids again, so they didn't do any of the usual parent things with us. They gave us a house to live in and food on the table, but that was it. My grandfather only lasted two years before he left as well. I guess Christmas just became a symbol of everything that we didn't have that everyone else did, and I don’t know,” she shrugged, “I just don’t like it.”
“I’m sorry, Samara. I hate that you grew up never feeling wanted.”
“They messed us up pretty good. Fin has abandonment issues which very nearly ruined his relationship with Chloe. And I have …” she trailed off, not even really sure how to describe it.
“If you could make your perfect Christmas, wipe away all the bad memories and start fresh, what would your Christmas look like?” Michael asked.
The question caught her by surprise, and she had to take a moment to think. Usually, she just avoided thinking about the holiday at all, she didn't try to envision how she would celebrate it if she could. “Umm, I guess, just all the traditional stuff. The things everyone else does.”
“Like what specifically?” Michael pushed.
“Well, a wreath on the door and lights all around the roof. A Christmassy display on the front lawn, a Santa in a sleigh, and reindeer. And inside, garlands all around the banister, the doorways strung with lights, and a garland around the fireplace mantle too. Stockings hanging by the fireplace and a Christmas tree in the corner full of lights, tinsel, and decorations that are all special because they mean something to you. Gifts allwrapped in brightly colored paper under the tree, freshly baked homemade cookies and a gingerbread house, hot chocolate in front of the fireplace, Christmas carols playing in the background, leaving milk and cookies out for Santa and carrots for the reindeer, and reading ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas before going to bed Christmas Eve. And then on Christmas Day, everyone you love gathers together to have a huge Christmas dinner with more food than anyone could ever eat in just one meal. Oh, and mistletoe, I always kind of liked the idea of that tradition.”
All the things she had never done.
It was odd to be twenty-eight and never having celebrated Christmas in your life.
Well, that wasn't exactly true. The last few years, ever since Fin had been with Chloe, she had celebrated with them Christmas Day, but it wasn't a real celebration because she couldn’t let it be. Celebrating Christmas was for people who had people to celebrate with, and she didn't. Not really. Because she didn't know how to let go of her past and focus on her future. Every time she thought she did she realized that she was just deluding herself.
“I wish I could give you a Christmas like that,” Michael said softly, tearing her out of her thoughts.
Samara wished he could too.
She wished someone could take away everything bad that had ever happened in her life and make it like it never existed.
She wished someone could undo all the damage that had been done so early on in her life that she was afraid it was so ingrained in her very being that it couldn’t be undone.
But wishes were just that; wishes.
*****
9:51 A.M.
Michael wished that he could take away Samara’s pain and show her just how magical Christmas could be when you celebrated it with people who loved you.
He wished that he could show her that she was special tohim.
He wished that he could give her the Christmas of her dreams.
He wished he could give her the love she so desperately craved.
If he could, Michael would give her everything she wanted and so much more.
But before he could do any of those things, he had to find a way to let go of his own fears. To bury his inner demons once and for all. And to do that, he had to find a way to forgive himself for his daughter’s death.
That he didn't foresee happening.
One event, one moment in time could change everything.
That was what had happened to him.
He had been happy, juggling finishing college and joining the police force with raising a baby had been hard, but he had loved every second of it. Sending Heidi back to her mother every week was hard, and he missed her like crazy, counting down the days until it was back to his week to have her. To make things easier, he and Heidi’s mother had hired a nanny so that Heidi had the consistency of one carer while they both balanced their studies and jobs with their daughter.
Sharing custody of Heidi, only getting to have her with him half the time had made him realize that the next time he had a child he wanted it to be with someone he loved so that he didn't have to miss out on one second of that child’s life.
If he had to pick someone to be the mother of his next child, it would be someone just like Samara. Caring, kind, compassionate, sweet, caring more about others than they did themselves, the very antithesis of selfish. Samara wasn't just everything he would want in a mother of his children. She wasalso everything he had ever wanted in a partner.
So why was he letting her get away?
