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“Not with that attitude,” Alexis says.
“Not with any attitude. It’s over. I’m not as evolved as you are, I guess,” I admit. “I can’t separate out my emotions.”
“So you like him then?” Lana asks.
A denial sits on the end of my tongue, but I can’t force the lie out. “I think so. Yeah. Probably.”
Saying it out loud makes the emotion feel bigger. Suddenly, I’m not sure how I’ve held it inside of me all this time.
I like Kirill.
No wonder he drives me insane.
Lana chuckles, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Classic Rayne.” Alexis starts to shake her head, trying to wave Lana off. But Lana doesn’t see her. Either that or she doesn’t care. “You never know what you want. Always stumbling through life.”
“Is that… is that what you think I’m doing? Stumbling through life?”
All at once, Lana seems to realize what she said. She looks at me, her eyebrows knitting together. “It’s not a bad thing. It’s just who you are. You know?”
“No, I don’t know,” I snap. “Explain it to me.”
She sighs. “No. I’m not going to say anything else. Because no matter what I say, you have to take it as an insult. You’re so like Mom that way.”
“Maybe because everything you say is an insult,” I say. “Including telling me I remind you of Mom every fucking chance you get.”
“How can I not? You worship her! I mean, you’re wearing her jewelry right now,” she accuses, pointing to the silver charm necklace I’m wearing. “Honestly, I’m surprised you don’t take it as, like, the world’s greatest compliment.”
Mom wore the necklace every day until the day she died. I have no idea where she got it, but I never saw her without it. She made me promise I’d take it when she passed.
“But it’s your favorite. You should keep it,”I argued at the time.
She just arched her brow.“What use am I gonna get out of it where I’m going? Jewelry is made to be seen. You need to take it.”
So I did.
I grab the chain, twisting the charm around my finger. “It’s obvious you hate her, so it’s clearly not flattering coming from you.”
Lana shakes her head. “I don’t hate her, I just hate what she did to—”
“No one hates anyone,” Alexis blurts before Lana can finish her thought.
She’s making wide eyes at Lana. I see something pass between them.
“What?” I press. “What were you going to say?”
Lana turns to me slowly. I can practically see her swallowing back the words. “Nothing. I don’t hate Mom, and I love you. That’s all that matters.”
“All we need is love,” Alexis says in a terrible British accent. Then she stands up and yanks Lana out of her chair by the arm. “And sleep. We need sleep, too. Thischicais gonna be hurting in the morning.”
“I’m not drunk,” Lana argues.
“Sure you’re not.” But Alexis shoots me a conspiratorial look over Lana’s head. “Goodnight, Rayne.”
And just like that, they’re gone and I’m alone.
Like always.
It’s always been Lana and Alexis—and then, off to the side, Rayne. The little sister running along behind them. The sibling who can’t quite catch up.
