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“It doesn’t matter whether he says it or not,” I say. “And it doesn’t matter that I overheard them last night. What matters is that I know you all think I’m pathetic. I’m a burden to you and I threw my life away to wipe spit off our dying mother’s lips. I know what you think. No apology is going to fix that.”
Lana stands up and reaches for my hands. I jerk away, and she sighs reluctantly.
“Fine,” she says, looking into my eyes. “But hear me right now, okay? You sacrificed part of your life to take care of Mom.”
“No, I didn’t sacrifice—”
“That’s a fact,” she overrules firmly. “Indisputable. Instead of leaving the house and getting a full-time job or going to school or learning how to live on your own, you gave that up to stay with Mom and take care of her. Definitionally, you changed your plans for her.”
I shrug. “Okay. Yeah, I guess I did. But I wanted to be there. Given the choice, I’d do it all over again. Mom needed me. She needed us. She needed her family around her, and I was the only one willing to step up. That’s not my fault.”
“You’re right. It’s not your fault,” Lana says.
Alexis stands up, nodding. “It wasn’t your fault… because it was Mom’s.Sheis the reason she didn’t have anyone there with her at the end.Sheis the reason she was alone.”
I blink, looking back and forth between my sisters. “What in the hell does that mean? It’s Mom’s fault that the two of you abandoned her?”
I’m shaking. Adrenaline is surging through my chest, flooding my arms and legs.
My sisters and I have talked around this issue before, but we’ve never faced it head-on like this. I always imagined when the day would come. But in my imagination, they were sorry.
In reality, they have no shame at all.
I don’t know what to do with that.
“We didn’t abandon her,” Lana says gently. “She abandoned us.”
I shake my head again. “You aren’t making any sense. Just turning the sentences around like that doesn’t make them true. Mom took care of us. She was there when Dad left and—”
“She was there for you,” Alexis corrects.
Lana nods in agreement. “Yeah. Mom was always there foryou. But she wasn’t there for us.”
I close my mouth and wait for them to continue. If I keep talking now, I’m liable to say something I’ll regret.
“Mom was… complicated,” Lana continues carefully. “She was young when she had us. Even younger when she married Dad. And I can be more sympathetic to that now, I guess. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship—a life—that doesn’t feel like yours. But the difference is… I stay for Lily and Brady.”
I press my palm to my forehead. “Listen, I’m sorry that you don’t like your life. But what does this have to do with Mom? She loved you both. She loved all of us.”
“She isn’t who you think she was,” Alexis says. “Or at least, she wasn’t the same mother to us that she was to you. We don’t see her through the same rose-colored glasses you do.”
“Why not?” I snap. “What did she do?”
Alexis leans over and grabs a box from under the wicker deck chair behind her. I didn’t even notice it when I walked up, probably because it’s so faded with age. There is a vintage-looking triangle pattern on the side of the box, but all the colors have dimmed to variations of brown. Dust still clings to the lid.
“What is that?”
Alexis holds it out to me, but I don’t reach for it. I’m not sure what is inside, but I have a feeling I’m not going to like it.
“Take it,” she says. “We brought it as a visual aid.”
“Evidence,” Lana adds.
I reach for the lid of the box, but then stop. “No. I’m not opening that… whatever the hell that is. You two are here. You tell me what’s going on. What is this?”
Lana steps closer and this time, I let her grab my hand. “Rayne,” she whispers, “Mom was having an affair.”
I take the words in, but they don’t process. They float around in my head, airplanes without a place to land.
