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For the first time in too many days, I’m ashamed to admit. But when you start gagging on your own scent, there is a problem. Though extenuating circumstances play a part there, as well. Since that night… well, my appetite has been nonexistent. I’m more likely to throw food up than keep it down.
“Heartbreak,” Lana pronounced when she came into my room and caught me with my head in the toilet. “It does weird things to the body.”
That felt like a massive understatement.
“I’m so sorry about everything, babe,” Harmony murmurs. “You shouldn’t have had to deal with all of that alone. I should have been there.”
“You can’t hop on an international flight every time I’m going through something.”
“But this was a big something,” she argues. “Your mom died a year ago, and now, your boss’s brother… That makes it sound trivial, but you know what I mean.”
I really do. For the first two weeks. Lana and Alexis could only catch bits and pieces of what happened when I managed to blubber through half-explanations of my chopped-up memories. The only thing they knew for sure is that I was not okay. Not by a long shot.
When I stopped taking Harmony’s calls, she searched for Lana’s number online and started messaging her daily for updates. I only found the energy to explain everything in detail a week ago.
“It was horrible,” I say, swallowing down the emotion that is forever seconds away from bubbling over. “The worst night of my entire life.”
Harmony nods. “I can only imagine. Before you were able to tell us exactly what was going on, we thought this was a delayed reaction to the truth about your mom.”
I chuckle darkly. “I haven’t even had time to think about that. For five seconds, my mom having an affair and breaking up her marriage with my dad was important. Now, I haven’t thought about it once in weeks. It’s wild how quickly life changes.”
“You witnessed something truly horrible. It makes sense that everything else went to the backburner. You didn’t deserve to see that, Rayne.”
“And he didn’t deserve it,” I whisper.
It’s not clear if I’m talking about Ilya or Kirill, but I think the answer is both. Neither of them deserved this.
None of us did.
“Of course not,” Harmony says. “Have you talked to him? Your boss, I mean? Kirill?”
It’s the first time I’ve heard his name in so long. It’s almost jarring. For a second, I feel like Harmony might have summoned him like a devilishly handsome Beetlejuice.
I miss him with a bone-aching ferocity. All I’ve wanted for weeks is to see him, to talk to him, but I had no idea how I would say what I need to say.
Until today.
“I’m going to,” I tell her. “He’s leaving for New York City tomorrow, so I need to see him before he goes.”
“You’re actually going to leave the house?” Harmony gasps.
I ignore her shock and nod. “Yes. I’m heading out in a few minutes, actually.”
The thought of it sends my heart into a pounding rhythm. He blamed me for Ilya’s death. Rightly so, in some respects. He might hate me and toss me right back out the door, but that’s a risk I have to take.
I’ve lost so much in this cursed life of mine already.
I can’t afford to lose him, too.
“Okay, then,” Harmony says quickly. “Then I’ll let you get to it. I’m swamped here, anyway. Talk to you later, okay?”
“Oh. Alright. Yeah. Bye.”
Harmony hangs up quickly without even saying goodbye. I’m distracted enough with making myself presentable for the first time in three weeks that I don’t think about it until there’s a sudden knock on my front door.
“Rayne?” Lana calls through the door. “It’s me.”
“Us!” Alexis amends. “Both of us are here. Open the door.”
