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Kirill has known about Yuliana for a matter of days and he has sworn to be there for her. He wouldn’t understand my father, either.
“I would never abandon my child,” he grits out. “I didn’t! You just don’t understand the entire situation.”
“But you did abandon me!” My voice is raised. This isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go. We were going to sit and have a civil discussion. We’d come to an understanding, maybe. Hug it out. Screaming in public never factored into my plans. “I spent my entire childhood wondering what I did wrong to make you care less about me. I felt like you left because of me.”
“Ididleave because of you!” he blurts out.
Horrified silence follows.
The words are like a needle poking at the balloon around us. Suddenly, all the air in the room is gone. I can’t breathe.
“Ken,” Pat breathes. She reaches out and strokes his hand.
Dad is breathing heavily. His chest is rising and falling and somewhere deep inside, I’m worried what this conversation is doing to him. He shouldn’t be stressed when he’s already sick.
On the surface, though, I’m a little girl again. I’m twelve years old, wondering why my dad only sends cards on my birthday and doesn’t come to see me.
I’m nine, wondering why there are pictures of Dad teaching Lana and Alexis to ride their bikes, but Mom can’t even afford to get me one.
I’m four, watching my parents argue from the hallway outside my room. I hear my dad say, “Maybe your boyfriend will be a father figure to Rayne. He’s already decided to take my role as your husband. Why not finish the job and make me obsolete?”
I brush away the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. “Was it because—I mean, I know I wasn’t planned. Lana and Alexis are so much older. Did you resent me for being born and holding you hostage there?”
Dad shakes his head. “No, Rayne. Forget I said anything. I got upset and I didn’t—”
“Just tell her,” Pat hisses.
I turn my attention to her. “Tell me what?”
Pat gives me a sad smile, but stays silent. Her hand is wrapped around my dad’s shrinking bicep. He’s lost so much weight since I saw him last. He doesn’t have much more to give.
“Nothing,” Dad sighs.
“Tell me what?” I ask, more insistent. “What is going on? What aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing!”
“Don’t lie to me!”
Now, we are definitely causing a scene, but I don’t care. I’m on the verge of something. I can feel it. No matter how much this breakthrough might hurt, I want to hear it.
“You made Lana and Alexis swear they’d never tell me Mom cheated on you,” I remind him. “I thought you cheated on Mom. It’s why you and I were never close. Because I shoved you away. Now, I know that was your fault.Youdid that. So don’t lie to me now. Whatever the truth is, I want to hear it.”
He looks up at me, exhaustion written in the lines of his face. “It wasn’t just you I wanted to keep in the dark. I never wanted anyone to know your mom cheated on me. Not even Lana or Alexis.”
“Why not? You didn’t do anything wrong. Not at first, anyway. Mom is the one who destroyed the family. Why would you take on that burden if—?”
“To protect you,” he interrupts. “At first, I thought I could keep things hush-hush and treat you like you were my own. For a few years, I did my best to pick up the pieces, but… I couldn’t.”
The truth buzzes around like an electric current in the air before a storm. I can’t see it yet, but I feel it coming.
“You couldn’t treat me like I was yours?”
He nods. “It was too painful. You were this constant reminder of what your mom did.”
“What Mom did,” I repeat. My brain is sluggish like it doesn’t want to put the pieces together. Like it’s trying to protect me from the truth even as I start to understand. “You mean how she cheated on you?”
Dad sags. Pat reaches for his hand and he squeezes it back, his knuckles going white. I wish there was someone here to hold my hand.
