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The warm August wind blows across my heated skin. Not even the breeze off the ocean is cool enough in the heat, especially when I’m running. I’ve pushed myself today and now my legs burn. I couldn’t sleep again. Nightmares still plague me at times. I wake up in a sheet of sweat and not from the heat. I worry Piper will get hurt because of me. I also have nightmares that my family hates me.
My tennis shoes pound against the ground as I run through the park. I lifted weights in the condo’s gym before I started out on my run. A child squeals, and I turn to watch them. I don’t run with headphones on because my brother taught me to always be aware of my surroundings. A pang hits my heart for a moment as I watch the dark-haired Native Hawaiian child run from their parents, laughing.
There was a time in my life when I wanted that. Kids, marriage, a family. But that all changed in college when I caught my longtime boyfriend and fiancé cheating on me with my high school nemesis. It made me question everything about our relationship. Did he cheat on me the whole time? I still don’t know the answer because I cut him out of my life and stopped talking to him. He’s still really close with my family. They don’t know he cheated on me. They don’t know that my life was irrevocably changed at that moment. Until I fell for another man who didn’t want me. Declan said I was too young, too pure. He said I was the equivalent of the prom queen and he was the town bad boy. Little did he know Iwasthe prom queen. My brother was right all those months ago though. I couldn’t continue to live that way.
I had to grow up, and so I did.
That night I called a friend who no one knew I talked to. I hated hiding our friendship, but it worked best for both of us. She’s the only one who knows what really happened with Kyle in college. She’s the only one who knows I’ve never truly been myself except when I’m with her. I was always trying to be what I thought my family or others thought I should be.
The perfect daughter.
I could never compare to my brother though, the war hero.
Being twins sucked because we were always being compared to one another. “Why can’t you be more like Carter?” they would say, or he’s this or that.
He’s a fucking guy, people, get over it.
He likes bows and arrows. I liked dance, cheer, tumbling, and everything pretty.
Ugh!
I’m done with that now. No more innocent little bobblehead girl. I’m over thirty, and I want to be me.
The true me.
I haven’t found her yet, but I’m getting closer.
I push through the muscle pain and keep running. Until I get closer to my condo, where I slow and start walking to cool down.
I’m no longer that sweet, prim, and proper girl. The new me is stronger, more confident in herself. I do what I want, not what is expected of me. I’ve hidden from some of the best hackers all this time. I’m now tattooed, pierced, and independent. I’m happy in my current job. Yeah, I never thought I would be doing this, but it’s what makes me money and keeps me in paradise. It’s not like a job I’ll retire from, but it works for now.
I look out across the playground to the beach in the distance. Tomorrow I’d like to sit on the beach, but I have a session today and won’t be able to be in the sun, plus I’ll have to wear a black bandage to cover the new ink. Maybe I’ll sit under my umbrella and just relax while people watching before I have to work tomorrow night.
I move through the lobby of the building where I share a condo with my best friend, Brielle. I jump on the elevator and pull up my leg to stretch my calf. When it dings on my floor, I head for our condo while pulling out my key from the pocket on the side of my compression running capris.
“I can’t believe you’re up so early.” Brielle’s tired voice comes from the kitchen where she is standing with a cup of coffee in her hands. She’s still in her jammies of a tank top and tiny shorts. Her long dark hair is up in a messy bun.
“I couldn’t sleep anymore. Besides, I have a session with Tomas in an hour.” As I move past her, I grab her cup and take a deep gulp of the life force that is caffeine.
“Hey, that’s mine, bitch.” She laughs as I hand it back.
I continue through to the main bathroom that is technically mine. She has the master suite because this was her condo before I ever arrived here and moved in with her.
She didn’t hesitate to help me when I called her the night I fought with Carter. She told me to get on a plane and come to her. I knew she was in Hawaii but none of my family or friends did, so no one knows where I am. I bounced around the U.S. to hide where I was heading. I also changed my name and got a fake ID to help with a cover. I wear sunglasses or other glasses with a chip in them to prevent facial recognition software from finding me. I learned a lot from Bekah. I try to keep myself hidden from both the Hierarchy and Securities International. I worry that I’m not secreted enough for Declan though. He’s good at finding people, and I know he’s probably searching for me. Not because he wants me though but because Maya or my brother hired him. And they only want me to come back so I can tell them where Piper is. I don’t know where she went. I was being honest with Carter in that.
The soap sluices off my body, and I turn, tilting my head back so my hair can get wet. My long now reddish auburn hair with thick fringe bangs is different than the old me. I straighten it most days instead of keeping it in the waves I used to wear. Brielle had pointed out that I had the same hairstyle and color since high school. Not any longer.
After my shower, I slip into a bikini and a pair of tiny shorts that are so shredded up they look like the shredder won and the shorts lost. I blow dry and straighten my hair before I slip on the dark rimmed glasses that make me look like a teacher; however, dressed as I am, I look like I’m taking a walk on the wild side. I walk out of my room and slip on a pair of high heels as my phone beeps that my Uber is waiting.
Brielle and I don’t have a car. Not because we can’t afford one but because we don’t need one. We use a car service to get to and from work. Uber or Lyft to anywhere else, or we walk. Living on an island of over a million people makes it pretty packed with cars. I don’t want to drive in traffic if I don’t have to.
Thirty minutes later I’m dropping my shorts so my tattoo artist can get to the piece he is finally finishing. It all started with a small Hawaiian style turtle on my pelvis, and now I’ve gotten four more tattoos. I have a vine of yellow roses down my spine to remind me of my mother. A garter style tattoo on my left thigh and a quote on my left forearm. Today Tomas is finishing the large floral piece that runs from just below my breast, along my rib cage, and down my right side to just over the top of my knee.
When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. But there’s more to it. I like the feeling of the tattoo machine as it punches into my skin. It’s not like I get off on the pain, it’s more like I need the pain to feel alive. I shouldn’t be alive if Piper is still missing, which I know she is because I’ve read some of the messages my brother has left me. In every single one he asks me if I’ve been in contact with her.
Like she’d talk to me. She thought I was sleeping with the guy she was interested in.
I lie back and allow the feeling of the machine to take me away. To help me get out of my head.
