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When I see the concern flash through her eyes, it makes my chest tighten and ache all over. In moments of absolute weakness, you tend to search for the people who you love. The ones who would soothe the gnawing pain so that it doesn’t have to hurt anymore. The ones who were around when you were happiest. When you felt invincible.
Ellie.
I would move mountains for her. I would leave everything behind and sweep her off her feet to that isolated island, just to be with her. Just so that we could live in the happiness that I didn’t know existed until her.
I look down at my lap. I can’t look at Shana or Levi. I can’t face anyone. The trembling of my chin starts on its own, uncontrollable and wavering. Mistiness clouds my vision, and I feel the first trickle of a tear running down my cheek.How the fuck did I end up here?
Shana turns to shush a still-speaking Levi. He’s rambling on and on about how we have to file a report with the police department and I may need to hire a lawyer for I don’t even know what. He stills, looking at me, and his face softens.
Levi sighs. “Rhy, just get some rest. Focus on getting better. We’ll figure things out from here.”
“Rhylan?” I hear the familiar voice, soft and meek, from behind the curtain. The three of us turn to look, and I see Ellie’s worried face peek from behind the curtain.
“Ellie,” I whisper. She’s like a vision, a dream. Her physically being here can’t possibly be true. My heart thrums in my chest, and my body tightens, fighting every musclenotto pull her to me and hold her so she can never leave. I sit up a little straighter and try to smooth out the mess that I’ve become, but it’s no use. I look like how I feel, tired and hopeless.
“We’ll give you two a minute,” Levi says sternly. He turns, and Shana follows behind him. Ellie takes a step closer to me, her hands pulling the curtain back enough to make room for her to walk through. Her movements are cautious and hesitant.
The need to reach out to her causes my hands to lift on their own, and I clench my fists to stop myself. I can’t do this. I can’tfuckingdo this.
The urge to look into her eyes is too strong, so I give in. Those deep, honey-colored eyes that I could get lost in for days look back at me. Downturned and riddled with sadness to the point of tears.
I can’t fucking do this.
“How did you know I was here?”
“Charles called. He thought that maybe you would want to see me,” she explains.
I steal a moment to take in the sight of her. Her jeans hug her hips and stop high at her waist, where a plain white T-shirt meets it, discreetly exposing her midsection. Her hair, loose and wavy, rests across her chest and shoulders. I start to notice small details about her, committing it all to memory. Like the dainty gold bracelet that rests on her wrist or the shimmer of blush she applied to her cheekbones. Details that I noticed before but are now more prominent, knowing that this truly may be the last time I see her.
I nod and look away. The cut that sears through my lower lip screams as I run my teeth along the edges. But the physical pain is nothing compared to the pain that seeps through me from watching Ellie as she becomes even more distant from me. She’s here, within arm’s reach, but she’s somehow so far away.
I imagine what it would feel like to hold her in my arms. To drink in the scent of her and whisper into her ear. To hold her face between my hands so that I could stare into her eyes without limitations. To kiss her.
“Thanks for coming to check on me, but you really didn’t have to. I’m fine.” My voice is cold, annoyed with forged irritation.
She averts her eyes, looking at her feet and shuffling them beneath her. She nods before looking up again. I finally see the tears forming in her eyes, pooling along the rim, urging to trickle down her beautiful face. I shake the impulse to wipe them away or cradle her face.
“I’m glad you’re okay. Charles seemed concerned that you might not be.”
“Yeah. Well, I guess he worried for nothing.”
“Okay,” she says. She shuffles her feet again, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Her hands come together in front of her, her fingers twisting and straining against each other.
“I don’t know if you know, but I’m seeing Bella now. She should be here any minute, actually.” My voice is growing even colder, pushing her away as best as I can. It’s all a lie. Bella probably doesn’t even know that I’m lying up in a hospital. The last time I saw her, she was walking away from me in a crowded club.
“Right,” she says. She ducks her head down, and I see the drop of a tear hit the denim of her jeans, leaving a darkening stain seeping into the fabric. She turns her head to the side, bringing her palm to her face and discreetly wiping her cheek. She looks back at me, a forced smile peeking through her tears. “I’m happy for you, Rhylan.”
The stiffness in my face slacks, and my expression softens. I wish she would yell at me, call me names, tell me that I’m dead to her. Anything so that she can hate me, blame me for hurting her instead of taking in all the pain on her own.
“Ellie…” My voice is weak, pathetic. I hate myself. I loathe every bit of myself for doing this to her.
“Take care.” She turns and leaves before I have a chance to say anything else.
And she’s gone. The emptiness she leaves behind is so pronounced, so obtrusive.
I hunch over and cry. No, I bawl. I sob through the pain, my muscles and bones screaming at me to stop. I don’t care anymore. Physical pain and all, I just want everything to stop hurting. I want Ellie to come back. Instead, I cling to the blankets so I have something to hold on to. I wrap my arms around myself so that I can somehow soothe the pain coursing through me. But in the end, all I feel is numbness. Complete paralysis. So I don’t fight it. I just lie there, defeated.
THIRTY-SEVEN
