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“Oh, that dude is head over heels! I never thought I would live to see the day,” Jackson teases.
Charles interjects. “She is nice. Even Amelia likes her.”
“What?! When have I never liked anyone?” Amelia exclaims.
“You didn’t like Chuck,” Charles points out.
“Because he was half drunk and tried to hit on my sister the first time I met him.”
“He really has come a long way, hasn’t he?” I say, realizing that the Chuck Amelia is referring to is in the past. It seems as though a new and improved Chuck has made his appearance with no plans on going anywhere.
“Look at our Chucky. All grown up.” Jackson fakes a sniffle and pretends to wipe a tear from his cheek as Chuck joins us.
“So, what did your parents say?” I ask him. He’s a ball of nerves. Whatever they said to him has him all amped up and jittery.
“They said they’re impressed. They didn’t realize how big Suits & Whistles had gotten until one of my dad’s partners mentioned it to him.” He pauses and smiles. “They said they’re proud of me.”
“Hey! That’s great!” Charles beams.
Sonia walks over to Chuck, matching his enthusiasm. “Hey, baby,” Chuck croons to her. “Come on, I want you to meet my parents.”
Sonia follows him, her hand in his as he leads the way to where his parents are standing. I watch as they smile and embrace her with open arms as he introduces her to his mom and dad.
“They look happy, don’t they?” Charles says to me.
“They do,” I answer, unable to help a small smile.
“So have you talked to Ellie?”
My body stiffens at the sound of Ellie’s name. I know that he was the one that called her when I was in the hospital. He did it because he knew seeing her would bring me some sort of comfort. But it wasn’t the right thing to do. Instead, I had to push her away even further. I haven’t gotten upset at him. I’m just choosing not to talk about it. Avoidance has been the most adept path for my recovery, and I have no plans to hash everything out now.
“Uh, no. I haven’t. I don’t think I’m going to see her again.”
He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t argue with me, doesn’t get frustrated because he knows that I let go of the best thing that ever happened to me. He simply furrows his brows and looks at me.
“Okay,” he finally says. Simple. One word to let me know that he heard me but doesn’t agree with my decision.
I know what he wants to say. He wants to tell me that I’m a fucking idiot. That I should have chased after her that day in the hospital instead of letting her slip through my fingers. It was what I wanted to do. In fact, I had to fight every fiber in my body to not reach out for her and idly watch her walk away instead.
My longing for her doubles just then, causing a sharp pain to radiate from my chest to the rest of my body. It’s just the sound of her name, but it brings back so many memories. I miss her. I miss her smile, the way she looked up at me with curious eyes, hanging on to every word that came out of my mouth. I miss how her hand felt against my face, soft and nurturing. I felt adored in her hands. As if her love for me was enough to erase all the hate I carried.
I had gone on for so long, drowned by the overwhelming thought of life itself. Consumed by everything around me to the point that I felt more comfortable shadowed in the darkness. I had become so comfortable there that I didn’t believe I could be happy. As soon as things turned for the worse, I assumed it was because it was my lot in life to stay discontented. I thought that I could never make anyone happy. I believed it so wholly that I pushed Ellie away as soon as it got tough. I pushed away my sunshine just so I could stay in the dark.
I did all of that even though a part of me wanted to believe that we could be happy as long as we had each other. That we could make each other happy no matter what obstacle came our way. Ellie believed in me, in us, so much that she laid open her whole heart only for me to break it into so many halves that I didn’t know how she would mend it back together. I wanted to have faith in us, to have faith in myself, but I was scared to disappoint her. I didn’t want to break her heart into more shattered fragments than it already was, because the love that I had for her wouldn’t have allowed me to live with the fact that those broken pieces would have been my doing.
I lovedher—stilllove her.
I’m not just addicted to her. I love her in the most absolute and unequivocal way possible.
I love her enough to push her away from me to try to protect her heart. In my twisted mind, this made sense the last time I spoke to her. I didn’t know of any other way to love. When someone I cared for got too close, I felt it was my obligation to push them away to protect them from me. That’s exactly what I had done with Ellie. I pushed her away, knowing that if I kept her close, I would only hurt her.
I look up to face Charles, a grim smile matching my downturned eyes.
He pats my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, almost as if he knew that my thoughts were consumed in Ellie and our past. “Listen, why don’t you come over for dinner sometime this week? Just you. Amelia can cook, and the boys can see you.”
I empty my champagne glass, the bubbles tickling my throat as they hit my stomach. “Sure, that sounds good.”
THIRTY-NINE
