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“She knows what she wants,” Julian says. “And she’s going after it. It makes me so happy for her.”
“What does she want?” I ask. “To own a studio? To travel the world?”
This is low of me because I already know my woman wants a family and to pursue her career and motherhood at the same time.
She told me she wants to start young and be a mother as soon as possible.
Those comments about dating apps linger in my mind, as I wonder if she was serious and if she really thinks she can find the father to her children there.
Or was she goading me, fighting forus?
“She wants a family,” Julian says, turning as Buster comes butt-wagging over, his tail sticking out happily. Julian kneels, stroking my dog as he continues talking. “She’s said it for years now. She wants to find a husband and settle down, all while pursuing her career.”
At least I know forsurethat’s what she wants, but….
I’ve got so many questions bouncing around my head as I walk to my desk and sit on the edge, watching Buster and Julian.
“Are you okay with that?” I ask.
“He’d have to be the right man,” Julian says, looking at me, causing guilt to swell. “If some douchebag came along, a user, somebody who didn’t really love her…but that’s the thing. I can’t imagine Lauren falling for somebody like that.”
I listen, shutting down the urge to tell him, blurt it out, and cut this tension before it can crush me.
“She’s intelligent and has a clear vision of how she wants her life to go. If she chose a man, one I couldn’t see any obvious reason why it wouldn’t work if I knew he loved her and wanted to provide for and support her…I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
“But it’d have to be the right man,” I say softly.
“Exactly,” Julian says, grinning as he gives Buster one last scratch behind the ear. “If somebody tried to take advantage of my daughter…you know what I’d do.”
Of course, I do.
I remember Julian when his beard was wild and tangled, and he was a madman skiing backward down an almost sheer mountain. I remember the man in the bar afterward, taking on three or four if the cause was right, wild fights Julian always ended up winning.
With me at his side.
“You’re a good father,” I say. “When the right man comes along, I’m sure you’ll know.”
“I hope so.”
After Julian leaves, I begin to reflect on the cold hard fact.
I’ll never be the right man. Not for Julian.
Even if I could be for Lauren….
I take out my cell phone, wondering if I have it in me to cancel on Lauren. My back tingles from the tattoo as if the memory it signifies is letting out a pulsing blaze.
She’s already texted me.
Are we still on for later?
I grind my teeth from side to side, a poor habit I developed in the cell, one I broke while in foster care. But it returns to me sometimes, as if I can work out some of the inner tightness.
Yes, I type before I can think too deeply about it.I’m looking forward to it.
It’s the truth. I’m looking forward to her body being pushed up against mine, strapped into the harness. My arms will wrap around her and my hands, smoothing down to her begging-to-be-grabbed tits….
No, I’ve got to be good.
