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Funny thing about turning off one’s emotions. It’s much easier to fake it than it is to do it. I have been walking around like I’m perfectly fine. When the reality was, I’m anything but. I smiled when I was supposed to. I still laughed. But every night before I close my eyes, I cried myself to sleep. Well, every night except last night.
Squeezing in between the two men I care about pushed the bad memories away. Their warm, strong bodies kept my nightmares at bay. But how long can we do this? How long can we ignore everything that’s happened?
Even when we are together, I’ve seen instances where Logan just doesn’t accept Joseph. I never knew they were both alpha males when I came up with this idea. I just wanted a way for all of us to be happy. A solution to keeping Logan in check. Joseph surprised me. He showed me that he wasn’t going to just bend over and allow Logan to take his frustrations out on him. I couldn’t lie. That was fucking hot. But it was also not what we all needed. Logan needed to control himself, but he couldn’t. Joseph needed to be a good submissive, but he wasn’t. I needed for both my men to get on board. We needed a seamless unit, but we weren’t there yet. I knew if I could get these two men to give into their feelings we’d be happier. There had to be a way for all of us to be happy together. Something to fill the void.
I had a few things that I needed to get done today. The first was a shower. I tried to get out of my head while washing my body. It was hard because I couldn’t help thinking about our issues. Where would we go from here? How would my parents take our relationship? Was this a relationship? The questions circled in my head, but no answers came to my mind.
I got out of the shower and sat on the bed, dripping wet, wearing a towel. It was time. I sucked in a huge breath and dialed.
“Hello?” My mother said in Korean.
“Ne, eomma?” I answered with a quivering hand. It was so good to hear her voice, but I still wasn’t ready for this conversation.
“Who is this? A bill collector?” Her dry wit came through the line, and I knew she wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I’d fucked up.
“Eomma,I’m sorry.” A warbled sound echoed in the room, and I realized it was me sobbing.
“Why didn’t you come to the house, Hana? We could have talked about this face-to-face.” She sounded weary.
“I couldn’t face you. I messed up so badly,Eomma.”I just let it all out. I cried harder than I’d ever cried in my whole life, and my mother just sat on the phone and listened.
“It’s okay,Ai. TellEommahow she can fix it.”
My mother called me a child, like she used to when I was small. I heard a soft tink in the background and knew she was drinking her tea. My mother had what I called a soothing presence. Even in anger my mother rarely yelled. It was not a trait I inherited.
“You can’t fix this. I lost my baby,” I strained, pushing the awful words past the choking lump in my throat. But once they got past my lips, I felt a weight lift. I sobbed for that as well.
My mom was making shushing noises quietly trying to comfort me over the phone. When I had quieted my wretched gasping, she spoke again.
“Have you talked to Joseph? Maybe have him help you. He’s always the one that helps you when you're sad. He can help you now.”
Why hadn’t I gone to her house? I could’ve gotten a hug from her. I want a hug.
“No, Joseph wouldn’t understand what I’m going through.” I ran a hand down my wet face. Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to still feel this way. The deluge of grief washed over me yet again and welled deep inside my chest. There was no way out.
“What won’t he understand?” A sly tone came from my mom.
“I’m a woman,Eomma!”I hissed into the receiver. “He can’t understand what I’m going through”
“That’s not what his eyes told me when I saw him,Ai.”
I didn’t even know what to say to that. My mother had this misguided idea that Joseph and I were end game. But he wasn’t even my husband. He was just a friend she kept pushing me towards. “You saw Joseph? Where?”
“Hmm, yes. I was at the store, and he looked like someone kicked his puppy. Then he defended you. He’s a good man. He would make good husband for you.”
“Eomma,I’m already a married woman,” I cried. I slumped over and pulled my legs to my chest.
“Ai,you still so young. You don’t know how hard it is to keep good man. Joseph is one and you keep on pushing him away. You need to see him. You know he loves you, right? He’s been in love with you for the last few years. We love him, too.”
“That’s not how you raised me, and that’s not the kind of woman I want to be,” I whispered, shutting my eyes. “Eomma,I’m married toLogannot Joseph.”
My mother had raised me to be a good Korean girl. I tried as much as I could, but once I was on my own? All bets were off. It was why I had such a wild streak inside of me. Something just wanted to take over my body and play in the darkness.
“Why are you making this so hard? We come to America to give you a good life. Full of opportunities. I pick a good man for you, and you go marry the first one who smiles at you.” She exhaled her disappointment.
I held my breath waiting to hear what she had to say next.
“Late at night when everyone is sleeping,” she continued, “I still think of the man I thought I loved. I never said anything to your father about how hard it was choosing between them. I loved them both, but back then it wasn’t so easy to be with the ones you loved. We couldn’t be proud as many are now. I didn’t want to choose, but I did what was expected of me. But sometimes I wonder. And Hana? I don’t want you to wonder because I know Joseph is the best man for you.”
