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It didn’t surprise me that this whole fiasco was disappointing Hana’s parents. They were good parents. Unlike my own, they gave a shit about Hana and just wanted to see their baby healthy and happy. Since she wasn’t either of those right now, they were mourning. Not just the loss of their grandchild, but the loss of their daughter. Hana wasn’t dead. But she practically was considering the way she’d been living—refusing to eat, to bathe, to live. The Hana Banana I knew was long gone. In her place was a grieving baby girl, and I could only blame myself.
“It’s not your fault. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I should’ve been paying more attention to Hana. She needed me, and I wasn’t there. For that, I am so sorry.” I bowed. I never learned how to apologize properly in Korean, but Hana taught me different ways to bow.
If I was in the Lee’s house right now, as traditional as I knew them to be, I’d prostrate myself on the ground until they told me I could lift my head. But doing something like that here would only embarrass Mama Lee and not endear me to her.
“No, no, no. You did nothing wrong. If anything, Hana was too young to leave. I knew that. I filled her head with marriage and babies but didn’t talk to her enough about how to be a wife. What it means to keep her husband happy.” Mama Lee dabbed her eyes. “You know Hana was my only child. We were thankful for her. But I wish she had siblings to lean on in a time like this.”
“Iamher sibling,” I growled in frustration. “Maybe not in blood, but in heart.” While the Lees treated me like a son, they never allowed me the freedom to treat their daughter as my family. I never understood that.
“You arenother sibling,” Mama Lee insisted.
I felt a pang in my heart with the reminder that no one wanted to claim me as family. My eyes misted. Would anyone ever love me?
Mama Lee patted my arm. “You misunderstand. If we had it our way, you would be our son-in-law. You make Hana happy. You make us happy.”
“Oh, no. I don’t—”
She cut me off before I could make any excuses. “Don’t lie to me,adeul. You think I don’t see how you look at her?”
I shook my head no as panic descended in my brain. She couldn’t know. She wouldn't let me near her little girl if she knew.
Mama Lee grabbed a loaf of bread from the shelf behind me. “You think I don’t know you love men and women? Or should I say one man and one woman? I saw you that day. We had you three over. You look so sad. If only things were different,nae Adeul.”
“It’s not like that. Hana just sees me as a friend. I’m her closest friend.” It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself rather than her, especially with Mama Lee shaking her head at me like that.
“You need to marry Hana. Why make it so complicated? She’s hurting so you should go out there and fight for her. We love you, Joseph.” Mama Lee leaned forward and gave me a hug so hard I felt tears well up in my eyes.
“I love you both, too,” I whispered. “But I can’t. She is already married.”
We pulled apart. Her eyes were damp as well and she sniffled. “I’ll let you get back to shopping for our Hana. Tell her to call hereomma,ne? We need to hear from her. I can’t imagine what kind of mind she’s in.”
“We are taking it one day at a time.” I told her honestly.
“What do the kids call it? It’s not her, it’s him. You just need to make her see, Joseph. She will. I know she will.” Mama Lee looked away, pulling on the closest item and fixing it on the shelf. “And Logan?”
Mama and Papa Lee didn’t know exactly what went wrong between Hana and Logan. I wanted to keep it that way. They just knew that the couple was grieving. Separately.
“He’s taking it one day at a time as well.”
“Ah, shame what happened to his brother. Check in on him. Don’t let him get so lost in grief that we lose him as well.”
I clenched my jaw and nodded my head.
Mama Lee pushed her cart away and I let out a ragged breath. I hadn’t expected to see her. Now I'm worried I did something wrong. Like I overstepped. It was too late to take back our exchange. But then I reminded myself of how kind Hana’s parents were. It was okay, they loved me. They said so.
I grabbed what I needed, barely looking at the products as I dropped them into the cart. It wasn’t like Hana was eating. She avoided everything. Holed up in her room, she wouldn’t let me in. Except at night. On the nights she grew so lonely she could hardly stand it, she would crawl into my bed. It was only then that I was able to cuddle her and give her the affection she needed.
I knew it should’ve been Logan comforting her, but he broke that girl worse than I’d ever seen. I’m sure there was a part of her that loved him. But I was making it my mission to squash any feelings she had of him. He didn’t deserve her. He never would.
“Hey Joseph,” a voice called out as I was walking to my car in the parking lot. Bethany jogged up, surprising me.
Her hair was frizzy, and her makeup smudged. She had dark circles under her eyes, like she hadn’t slept in a long time.
“Hey Bethany. How’s everything going?” I was going for cordial, but I couldn’t help looking at the time on my phone. I needed to get back to Hana.
Bethany let out a loud wail. “It’s just awful. I can’t believe he’s gone.” She threw herself in my arms, causing me to stumble away from the cart I was pushing.
I pushed her off me, none too gently, and raced after the cart. It hadn’t gone far. Once I’d gotten it back under my control, I faced Bethany.
