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Once I finished cleaning up, I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror. Like, really looking. A hideous monster wearing my face stood where I was and stared back My eyes were glassy with large dark smudges beneath them. My hair was scraggly and standing up all over the place. I could see the oil on my scalp that told me I needed to wash my hair badly. I had definitely lost some weight, which was a shame because I was already tiny enough. My cheeks looked hallowed out. I felt like a walking skeleton. I knew that wasn’t accurate, but it was how I felt at the moment.
I turned away from the mirror in disgust. What I saw in the mirror was bad enough, and that didn’t even include the scars on my battered body or the missing space between my fingers. My hand was just as ugly as the rest of me. Of course, Logan didn’t want to be with me now. I was hideous.
I told myself that was the real reason he hadn’t come around, not that I had pushed him away or that Joseph had threatened him to give me space upon pain of death. Because the latter two reasons would have never stopped the stubborn Logan I had fallen in love with.
I left my bathroom and went to my bed. I curled onto my side facing the door and closed my eyes briefly. It seemed like only seconds had passed before my door opened. Joseph came into my room with a steaming plate of food, piled high with all the spaghetti he could fit.
“Do you want to watch something while you eat?” He set the plate on the nightstand next to me.
“No, I don’t.” I wasn’t in the mood for anything at the moment. Especially not the plate of food he’d brought me.
“Silence it is.” He waved to the plate. “Well, go on, dig in.”
“You don’t need to sit here and watch me eat.” I huffed. I wasn’t a child. I’d eat when I was hungry.
“I saw your mother today.” Joseph dropped down onto the bed making me bounce a bit.
“You did?” I shot him a wary look. I knew my mom had been calling a ton, I just didn’t have the energy to pick up the phone.
I was scared of my mother’s judgment. I’d failed her, and I knew she would be disappointed now that I was broken beyond repair. I likely would not be able to conceive again. There would be no granddaughters that had her eyes, or sons that had my father’s nose.
“She was worried about you. She wants you to call her, and I told her you would.” Joseph always loved my parents, but this was a little too far.
“You had no right to do that.”Was it shitty that I didn’t call my parents? Yes, but I wasn’t ready to face them yet.
“You used to talk to your mom all the time, and it hurts her that you are refusing her calls when she knows you need her. I just don’t want you to cut off ties with anyone. I’m looking out for you.” Joseph tried to wrap his arms around me. I squirmed away trying not to feel his hug, but he was relentless.
Once he wrapped me in his strong arms, it felt like a dam broke. My eyes watered and before I knew it, I was ugly sobbing into his apron. His scent, forest with a hint of citrus surrounded me, and I couldn't help cuddling into his body. It was the reason I cracked at night and climbed into bed with him. I needed the warmth and companionship that he offered. I felt safe here. Joseph was my home. I’d lost sight of that with everything that happened. But he could protect me now and keep my nightmares at bay.
“Let it all out.” Joseph rubbed my back.
I could admit it felt really good. “I-I’m sorry for getting tears and snot all over your favorite apron,” I croaked after some time had passed.
“I can buy a new apron. I can’t buy a new Hana-Banana.” He looked down at me with a small smile. “Now eat up so we can go for that walk you promised me.”
I could see the same pain in my heart echoing in his eyes. Why couldn’t I fall in love with a good man like Joseph?
Sniffling away the tears, I pulled away from him and grabbed my plate. I took a small tenuous bite, and a world of flavor exploded on my taste buds. I scarfed down the rest of my food until my stomach felt like it was exploding. The only sounds in the room were my moans between bites and our breathing.
“I knew you were hungry. You can never say no to my famous spaghetti.” Joseph had a smug look on his face.
“I’m feeling a little better, but can’t we just stay here? We don’t have to leave.” I knew it would sound like whining, but I didn’t want to run the risk of seeing anyone while we were out.
“That wasn’t our deal. We are getting fresh air. Let’s go.” Joseph pulled me up by my arms. “Wait, let me get one more thing.” He ran out of the room.
He came back just as quickly and pulled a sweater over my head. It smelled just like him and I couldn’t help pulling the collar up and inhaling. I noticed Joseph looking at me oddly with his pupils dilated. He probably wasn’t used to the crazy woman smelling his clothes. Right. That had to be it.
Chapter Four
Logan
The next day, I woke up in a terrible fucking mood. It probably had to do with the fact that I’d been fielding calls from detectives this past week. But mostly, I couldn’t get Hana out of my mind. I missed her.
It didn’t help that I couldn’t track her at all hours of the day. I needed to work. Since my hostile takeover of the company, I was apparently the devil, according to my parents and their supporters. Not that my parents were speaking to me directly. I had to hear this shit secondhand.
My mother had left a voicemail on my phone saying that she placed the blame of Luke’s death squarely on my shoulders. That I pushed him to kill himself by taking the only woman he’d ever loved. What a load of shit. If she couldn’t see what a terrible waste of space he was by now, I wasn’t losing my breath trying to convince her. He would forever remain her precious baby boy, and there was nothing I could do about it. Hell, he was a child trafficker and murderer, and she still liked him better than me. That was a level of denial and psychosis that could not be fixed without professional intervention, as far as I was concerned.
I wished I could erase Luke’s existence off this planet. Make it so he was never talked about again. Unremembered. Nothing. It was wishful thinking, I knew. Whatever. As long as he was gone, that was all that mattered.
