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I’m not sure what she’s trying to say, but my next breath lodges in my throat. I don’t know why, but I feel as if something is going to break us—maybe someone?
“What does that mean?” Matt asks.
“I don’t deserve a house, a family, or more children.”
I take her hand and caress the inside of her wrist. “You deserve everything. Happiness, love, and a family.”
She shakes her head. “No. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”
“Your son?” I ask.
She’s told us about the baby she had when she was seventeen and gave up because she was incapable of taking care of him. He was also the miracle who made her want to get better and beat her addictions.
We understand she’s ill and has to fight every day, but also, she trusts us enough to lean on us when she feels a craving.
I’m thankful for her son, but I never put much thought into his existence. Does it matter?
He should. He’s a part of her, and maybe we should look for him. Can we bring him with us? He’s, after all, family. The kid is her son and, therefore, ours. I set those thoughts aside for later and focus on the now.
“He’s probably happy with the family you chose for him,” I say, as Matt snakes an arm around her waist, pulling her close to him. I don’t let her hand go.
“I didn’t choose them. It was the agency. The file looked good when they showed it to me, but we barely exchanged pleasantries before they left with him,” she says, leaning her head on Matt’s shoulder.
“Can we look for him?” I ask.
“No. It was a closed adoption.” A sob escapes her. “It wouldn’t be fair to give him up and then have other children who can—”
“You were a child yourself, Thea,” I interrupt her. “If I had a child at seventeen, I would’ve done what’s best for him. It would hurt, but back then, I couldn’t have offered him anything. Only a messed-up family and heartaches.”
She presses her lips, takes a deep breath, and says, “You’re right. I was too broken back then. But can I be a good mother?”
Matt and I kiss her cheek. Then, he says, “You’re great with Gracie. She adores you. If you’re extraordinary with your niece, I’m sure you’ll be the best to your own babies.”
“So, what do you say? Six bedrooms upstairs and one downstairs?” I ask, hoping she’ll take a leap with us.
I don’t even know if I’m ready for a big family, but I want to dream with them. Maybe later—a lot later, we will start it. For now, we can enjoy each other while we grow as individuals and as a unit.
“It sounds like the foundation of our future,” she finally says.
“After we agree on how this place will look, we should go out and celebrate,” Matt suggests.
I don’t doubt it’s going to be something along the lines of going to a beach and having sex for hours and I’m up for that.
ChapterThirty-Four
Matthew
After a few weeks,we find a routine.
On Friday night, we arrive in Malibu and don’t leave California until Tuesday morning when Thea and I leave. She goes to Seattle, and I head to Vancouver.
While in Malibu, Thea works with her edits—my edits—and her jewelry. I either help Coop with the bars and nightclubs or check in at the studio.
Daily we wake up early, take a swim, eat breakfast, and then start working. Except for today. I have a few early meetings and a couple of castings I want to oversee personally. When I come back at six, I find Thea whimpering in the shower.
“What did we learn?” I rub aloe over Thea’s body.
“Shut up, Decker, I’m not in the mood for your mockery,” Thea whines. “It hurts so much. Ouch, my back.”
