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It does sound easy. Too easy. What if Devin didn’t enjoy what we did? What if she has regrets and doesn’t want to see me again? Me showing up at her home might make her feel unsafe. It might trigger bad memories or feelings for her, and the last thing I want to do is bother her if she doesn’t want me around.
I just…thought there was something there between us.
Well, I know what it is onmyside. That possessive mesakkah part of me is screaming that she’s my mate. That I’ll never want another now that I’ve had her hands on me, and that I should pick out curtains for the home we’ll be sharing together and raising children in. That part of me has already figured out which side of the bed I’ll be sleeping on (whatever side she wants me on) and how I’m going to work having a mate and eventually a family into my job (I need to ask for a raise).
But if Devin doesn’t want me…
The thought is crushing. My tail flicks agitatedly, knocking against another box. There’s not many left in this room, which makes me happy. I’m certain Liesje isn’t cured of her depression—it doesn’t work that way—but she’s starting to see this place as her home now. She’s letting me help her unpack, and she’s talked about what kinds of crops she wants to grow in the spring. I’ve dropped some subtle hints about some of the other workers in Port that don’t have anyone to look after them. I know a few of the dock employees are in the same situation as the rest of us—no family back home, which is why this remote outpost works so well for them. They’d love someone like Liesje to check in on them. Devin’s interfering has made me realize that depression isn’t something that the humans here have a monopoly on, and the humans have Bee to check in on them. I need to talk to Rektar about someone checking in on the other mesakkah stationed here.
I need to ask Rektar if Devin has come in while I’ve been out.
Or if she’s okay.
Or if she’s injured. I could check with the clinic and see. The thought’s a terrifying one, though. I rub the last of the fading bite marks on my neck, thinking about her. What if…Devin isn’t interested in more?
What if I’m not a good kisser? What if I’m not a good anything in bed and she wants nothing to do with me?
“Keffffffff,” I groan, flinging myself dramatically down on Liesje’s (now cleared) sofa. “What if she hates me, Liesje?”
“She didn’t hate you when she was leaving those marks all over your neck. I don’t see what would have changed now.” Her answer is practical, motherly. Amused at my agony. “I bet you can go visit her and ask her what she thinks.”
I stare up at the ceiling. I should. I really should. I just don’t want to push myself on her. Not if she’s feeling vulnerable or unhappy or regrets what we did together. At times like this, I wish I was more like Khex, comfortable with the females. He’s never anxious over a female, not like I am over this one.
I need a plan.
Glancing over at Liesje, I notice her positioning her tree in front of her window, touching the vibrant leaves with tender care. She waters it, smiling as she does, and I think about the holiday again, wishing there was something Devin liked as much as Christmas. I don’t want to wait until next year for the holiday to come around again. I eye the bunch of herbs tied to the ceiling that never got a kiss under them. I forget what Devin called them, but she said it didn’t matter. That they weren’t quite the same but it was the intention.
That makes me sit upright.
Maybe I do have a plan after all.
ChapterFifteen
DEVIN
One week post-Christmas
Sometimes my ideas are stupid ideas.
Not all of them, of course. I’m still rather proud of the whole Christmas thing I pulled together for Liesje. I’ve checked in on her throughout the week, and her mood seems improved. She even smiled at me the other day. I’m hoping that whatever funk she was in, she’s crawling her way back out.
But the idea I had to have Sinath come tomeif he wanted a relationship? Perhaps not the best idea. I figured that after that snowy night at Liesje’s, if he truly wanted to pursue something, he’d seek me out. That he wouldn’t be able to stand it if I disappeared. And if it was just fooling around, neither one of us would have to have an embarrassing conversation. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It took me about five days to figure out that perhaps Sinath won’t be able to read the relationship signals from a human woman.That my expectations might be completely different than his. He might be waiting for me to make the first move. After all, I’m the one that made the first move on him that night. He’s been nothing but respectful.
So. Damned. Respectful. What if he’s being respectful even now and here I am, stewing, because I haven’t heard a peep from him since that morning?
I drum my fingers on my kitchen counter, glaring at the nearby comm unit in the wall. I don’t know a lot about them, but I do know what it looks like when there’s a message, and there are zero messages.
Sinath hasn’t come by, either. Other than visiting Liesje, I’ve made sure to be at home.
So…fuck. I don’t know what to do.
There’s a part of me that wants to go into town, to show up at the Port Custodial office and find Sinath. To ask him if I’m reading signals wrong and he really did want to have a thing with me. To find out if he’s still thinking about kissing me and only me, or if those were just pretty words to get into my pants.
But what if I’m reading signals right and he doesn’t? Me showing up to get rejected would just be…crushing.
Ugh. I hate this. I don’t know what to do and I feel trapped by my first decision of letting him come to me. It’s going to smack of desperation and loneliness if I go to him first, and I still won’t know if he genuinely wants to be with me or if he’s just looking for someone to fool around with. If I do all the chasing, I’ll never know.
