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“It was yours… just to be clear, that first night, on the back of the bike…”
He looked like his world had just been turned upside down.
April pulled her hand out of the sheets and rested it on Colt’s. “No, don’t even think… It was very early, only a few weeks in, and a lot of pregnancies miscarry, one in four they said, so while crashing into a building in a car that then caught on fire and blew up probably weren’t too conducive for an early pregnancy, this is not your fault. This is no one’s fault.”
“What… how… what…” Colt couldn’t form the words.
“I’m being kept in for observation tonight, you are being discharged later today...” She drifted off, unsure now of what to say. Maybe he wouldn’t want to stay with her after all. Maybe he’d get on another bike and ride off into the horizon without her. She recognized this insecurity within her. She’d seen it in Colt. That fragility shivered through her. She’d never felt it before. But she felt it now. Colt had trembled with it when they’d first met, it had held him back. She felt the all-encompassing pull of it now. Because now she had lost something, and now she had more to lose. She understood why Colt hadn’t pursued what he had wanted, which was her, his MC, his freedom. It was easier and less scary not to fight, to turn away and make do.
“Not going anywhere, April. Not without you.” April felt her heart swell at that, she felt the tremble die down, she felt it being banished and his warmth seep into her veins once again. “April, the… the baby-”
She swallowed a lump in her throat. “I know, Colt. It could have been a baby, it was so early-”
“I know but it still hurts-”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry for that, too. I didn’t realize-”
“l’m sorry, too, Colt, I didn’t know, I feel stupid for not knowing… I should have realized, what with how tired I felt, emotional, hungry, beginning to feel sick… that bleeding, I thought it was a period, it was actually probably implantation bleeding, the doctor said… I’m…” She reached up her hand to caress his face now, too. She saw his pain. She had to comfort him. They had to banish the darkness from each other, she saw that now. They had both been hurt and lost, and now they would be forever working to stop that cold wind of self doubt from blowing through their souls. But they would work at it together.
Her eyelids fluttered. “We can try again, when the time is right, when I feel better, when you feel better, when you want, if you want...” she began.
“Yes, April, I do want... a family with you, fuck... yes.”
“Me, too.” She ran a hand through his hair and he closed his eyes, savoring it, laying his head down on her lap. They stayed like that for a while, their breathing synchronizing, calming each other, grounding each other. She took a moment to mourn the loss. The little life that could have been. For a moment, she let herself dream. They could have gone into witness protection, ended up somewhere hot and carefree. They would have had a little condo, something small and simple, she imagined dated kitchen counters and a few electrical sockets that didn’t work properly. But none of that would matter. Colt would have a job doing something physical, locally, she’d have a blossoming stomach, and then a little baby. The three of them would have been happy. She imagined going to the local market, picking out ripe, fragrant fruit, sitting out on the porch in the evenings, afternoons on the beach. She held that sunny dream in her mind for a few seconds.
But it wouldn’t have lasted, she knew. Something would have happened. Every man in a leather jacket, every motorcycle they heard, she would panic. Always looking behind them, always worrying, living in fear. She was ambitious, that hadn’t changed. She hadn’t wanted to settle for a quiet little life. They would have been happy but not fully living. They would have been making do. Whereas she wanted it all. She wanted family trips to the market, carefree afternoons and intimate evenings enjoying the sunset. She wanted it without the fear, the fake IDs, without having to be forced away from her father. She wanted to be happy and fearless, what she felt she deserved. She had gone after what she wanted and it had cost them. She sniffed and raised her head. No, they had needed to deal with the threat, they needed to do what they did. She had no regrets, she’d do the same again. For her family to thrive, their family, she needed to be unafraid to live life each day. And now they could be.
He sensed her stirring. “What do you want to do?” he asked her, lifting his head, opening his eyes, glancing right at her, into her soul.
She knew what he meant. About their life, about the MC. She cleared her throat. “It was all a lot more violent than I’d thought. Messier. The blood... the pain...” she began.
“I know, I’m sorry, I know...”
“But I don’t feel guilty, I feel better, Colt, knowing they aren’t here. “
“The MC?”
“Yes, Cleaver, all of them, out there, doing bad things, hurting others... I feel a bit proud... we did that... we took action, took things into our own hands...”
“Yeah. I’ve seen your father.” Colt shrugged, pouted. “Police Sergeant, the fucking Mayor-”
“Harris? She was here?” April’s eyes widened.
“Yep.”
“What do they want with you?”
“Just explaining the terms of the offer. Running the MC again… complete immunity... if we play ball. By their rules, their game...”
“But ours to win,” April finished. Colt sighed.
Suddenly, a phone rang. Colt frowned. It was only him and April in there, no one else, no one else’s phone, but one of theirs. April’s was turned off on her bedside table. He patted his pockets, and fished out his phone. It lit up and rang. No one knew this number. Who’d be calling him?
He looked at April. She widened her eyes and shrugged. Colt pressed the green button to accept the call and put it on speaker phone.
Colt cleared his throat. “Yeah?”
