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Her lips trembled, but she didn’t trust herself to speak.
“I should have told you a long time ago. I wanted to in high school, but when you said you only wanted to be friends after I kissed you, I let that one incident turn me into a liar and a coward. I’m done being those things. I’m here to say I’m sorry for all the ways my fear of rejection ended up hurting you. In my efforts to protect my own heart, I neglected over and over to protect the heart of the one I love most.”
She barely processed the heartfelt words as guilt slammed hard against her chest. It explained so much.Shewas the reason he’d held back on everything for years. Great. Another problem for which she held the blame. Another failure. “I’m sorry.Sosorry. I never wanted to hurt you back then. I—” She owed him the truth, didn’t she? “I didn’t reject you because I didn’t like you.”
“Then why did you?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Are you sure about that? I think you were afraid once I really knew you, I would leave you.”
She tilted her head, amazed, feeling strangely more understood than she had in her whole life and yet terrified, as if she stood before TJ naked with nothing to hide her shame. “How do you know that?”
He gave a sad, knowing smile. “Don’t forget all the things you told Jeremy. It wasn’t that hard to figure it out when I learned what a low opinion you have of yourself.”
She dropped her head. She’d disappointed him again.
“You know it’s not healthy, right? To think so low of yourself?”
Her jaw clenched. It was a lot easier to recognize when her mom wasn’t around.
“I know she’s your mom, but that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to let her stay at your house.” There he went again, reading her mind.
She said nothing, knowing if she argued, he’d start harping on boundaries.Howdid one establish boundaries when one didn’t believe she deserved them?
He sighed into the lengthening silence. “Will you forgive me for lying to you and creating Jeremy?”
The car was quiet as she sought an answer. She could forgive him. But she didn’t know how to be friends with him now. Not after all that he knew. And she certainly couldn’t be anything more. But yes, she could forgive him. “I forgive you.”
“Thank you.” He let out the sigh she knew he had been holding. “Now, will you explain why you were comfortable telling Jeremy all the things about you that you never told me? What was it about him that broke down your barriers?”
Melody crossed her arms, trying in vain to protect herself. “I don’t knowhowto explain it. I felt…safe…with him.”
Silence lay heavily between them until he spoke again. “That was me, Mel. You felt safe withme.”
It explained why she soaked up Jeremy’s encouraging, understanding answers. It explained why his reactions to her had created an illusion of safety around her. It explained why his responses had been everything she’d always dreamed of in TJ—because hewasTJ.
“I understand that you’ve been trying to protect yourself. That you’ve been programmed to think anything bad that happens around you is your fault. But you’re wrong, Mel. I wish so much you’d told me all of this—anyof this—long ago.” Regret cloaked his voice like a blanket. “If you’d told me that your mom mistreated you when I first met you, I would have done something about it. My parents would have done something. If you’d told me that she left you alone when you turned eighteen, we would have had you move in with us. If you’d told me what a struggle school was, at any point along the way, I would have done so much more to help you. I would have done everything in my power to help you with any of that.”
She wanted to slide down in the seat and bury her head. There was no way he meant what he was saying. Not deep down. Not in reality.
Reality was never that kind. That good. That genuine.
But what if TJwas? He was Jeremy. It was he who accepted her as-is. Who hadn’t judged her for a single horrible truth. Who had encouraged her.Who wanted her.
Unquenchable hope warred with what she knew to be true, and she was blind with tears when TJ reached a hand over and gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I love you, Melody Reed.”
She blinked, sending a cascade of water down her cheeks. “How can you say that? Knowing what you know?”
“Knowing what? That your mom has no idea what an amazing daughter she has? That’s her problem, not yours. Knowing that you don’t know where to place a comma? Who cares! Look at all you’ve accomplished in spite of your academic struggles. Knowing that you doubt yourself at every turn, blame yourself for every failure, watch for anything to find fault with? Thatisyour problem, and you’ve got to stop because you are amazing the way you are.”
His words, his beautiful words… She wanted to collect them in a bottle and put a cap on it so they could never, ever leave her. But that was all they were. Words. Not reality.
“Melody…” His voice was soft. Inviting. She wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and close her eyes. “Do you believe your mom’s opinion about you? Or mine?”
Confusion swirled in and around Melody until she was dizzy, about to choke. “I don’t know, I don’t know,” she cried, her voice rising. “How do I know who to believe?”
“Believe God.” His words were simple, but it wasn’t simple at all. Melody didn’t know God. God had left her long ago. “God created you, he has sustained you over harder times than I ever knew, and he loves you. Just the way you are.”
