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“I know,” I whisper. “I respect that you want time to heal yourself.”
“Livi, I want to be the man you deserve and I can’t be that while I’m still carrying this around with me. I’m going to go back to Coronado and speak to my Lieutenant about taking some time out and getting some therapy. It’s something that’s been offered to me, but I’ve always avoided it. Now I know it’s time to deal with this.”
I wrap my arms around Jake’s neck, and he hugs me so tightly it feels like he’s squeezing the breath out of my lungs. It’s such a bittersweet moment, Jake has had this massive revelation and he’s finally taking the first steps to healing, but it means that we can’t be together.
Slowly, we move as if by instinct, and our lips press together, moving gently at first, but quickly becoming more urgent and desperate. Jake’s tongue slides into my mouth, and I return his insistent strokes as his hand grips the thick rope of hair that hangs down my back. I can feel the heat of arousal building between my legs, and I know that if I don’t pull away I’ll never let him go.
So reluctantly, I end the kiss and shift back away from the heat of his body, my nipples painfully hard against the thin material of my shirt. I don’t miss the way Jake’s eyes catch sight of them, and I self-consciously fold my arms across my chest.
With a heavy sigh, Jake stands and adjusts himself, obviously as affected by our kiss as I am. I stand as well and he pulls me into another hug, one that seems to last for hours but also ends too soon.
“I’m gonna go and pack up my stuff and head back to Coronado in the morning,” Jake says, his breath whispering over my ear, causing my skin to break out in goosebumps. “I don’t know what they’ll suggest, but I may not be able to visit for a while.”
That thought terrifies me, but I know it’ll be for the best so I cling to him for a few moments more, knowing that it will be the last time for god knows how long.
Eventually, Jake releases his hold on me and takes a step back. “Thank you for everything, Bug. Pete would be so proud of the woman you’ve grown into. Strong, beautiful, intelligent, the whole fucking package, and at the moment I don’t deserve you. But I will become the man you think I am, and I can’t wait for the day when I can stand beside you as your partner.”
And before I can say anything back, Jake turns and leaves my apartment, leaving me so broken I just fall onto the couch and cry like I’ve never cried before. I don’t know if Jake will ever come back to me, if he’ll ever get over his trauma enough to feel like he can give himself to me completely. I guess only time and space will tell, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Chapter 13
Jake
6 months later
“I can’t believe this is our last session,” I say, shifting in the chair that sits opposite my therapist. He nods and closes his notebook, crossing his long legs and steepling his fingers in that way therapists do.
“You’ve done some amazing work these last few months, Jake,” my therapist says, pushing to his feet as I do the same. “You’ll always have feelings of guilt about what happened to Pete, but now you have the skills and coping strategies to deal with them. Any nightmares?”
“Seven weeks and counting,” I reply, crossing my fingers. I didn’t realize how much the nightmares were affecting me; the sleep deprivation was having a huge impact on my ability to cope not only with my feelings but also with the day-to-day.
It’s part of the reason I asked to be reassigned to the Sniper School as an instructor. I’ll always be grateful to my Lieutenant and housemate Drake for pulling every string and calling in every favor they could to make it happen. The Lieutenant was gutted to lose me from the team, but he fully understood my reasons—it wasn’t only for my own mental health; it had to be this way so I could become the man Livi deserves. Having recently found the love of a good woman, Drake was fully on board with my journey of self-improvement.
“Well, it’s been a pleasure working with you, Jake.” My therapist holds out his hand and we shake. I feel like giving the guy a massive hug, but I think that would blur the boundaries of our patient/therapist relationship and make things weird.
“Thanks, Doc,” I reply. “I’ll let you know how it goes with my girl.”
He chuckles and returns to his desk. “Go get her, it’s time to start the rest of your life. And don’t forget to follow up with my colleague in San Francisco, you still have work to do.”
Those words ring in my ears as I ride my Harley back to the house I share with Drake and Des, desperate to get on the road back up north. I put in my Request to Leave two months ago, and since I’ve met all my service obligations, it was a pretty straightforward process. Leaving my brothers on the team was not so easy, but through my therapy sessions, I realized that my heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
But once I came to that realization, I had to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. I couldn’t go back to Crescent Bay unemployed, especially if I wanted to be the kind of partner Livi would be proud of. I set out thinking about the skills I’ve gained in the Navy, and apart from the obvious sniper skills, I’m also a dab hand at cyber security.
When I get home, the place is quiet. I’ve already had my few personal belongings and clothes shipped up to Crescent Bay so I just need to pack my duffle and ride out.
As I walk through the living room to the kitchen, I get a weird sense that the place isn’t as quiet as it seems to be. And as I get to the kitchen and see the drapes are pulled across the patio doors leading out to the deck, I know something shady is going on.
“SURPRISE!!!!!!” My team yells as I whip back the drapes, revealing them all out on the deck, beers in hand. The barbecue is smoking and there’s a banner draped across the fence that reads ‘Bon Voyage, Quitter!’ I can’t help the bark of laughter that erupts when I read it and I flip off my brothers good-naturedly. As I walk around and shake hands and exchange hugs with my team, I notice a lot more women in the mix. It looks like love really is in the air for all of us.
“Just thought we’d see you off in style,” Drake says, handing me a soda and clinking his beer bottle against it. “You’re gonna be missed around here.”
“Nah, you’re not gonna give me a second thought now that you’re busy with Wendy and your impending new arrival,” I laugh, clapping my Lieutenant on the shoulder.
At the mention of his woman, Drake gets a goofy look in his eyes. He turns and settles his gaze on his heavily pregnant partner. I feel a pang of longing because I can’t wait to have all of that with Livi. It’s been fucking torture staying away from her these last six months, but I knew it was for the best. We made an agreement to limit contact while I worked on my therapy sessions and managed to keep it down to a few phone calls a month. It was even too painful to video call her, the thought of seeing her beautiful face and not being able to kiss her lips drove me crazy.
But it was the right thing to do, for both of us.
It’s nice to spend a few hours shooting the shit with my SEAL brothers; men I’ve been through so much with, good men I’ll never forget. But I know that now most of them have settled down with good women, they’ll be in safe hands.
