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I crossed my arms over my chest. “No. We have Becky. She’ll be in charge of the morning routine, and I’ll be here, so …” I turned back to the sink of dishes and focused on rinsing them and placing them in the dishwasher.
“It’s fine. I’ll stay,” Brad said, which made me slam the dishwasher shut.
Maybe it was unfair. They were simply concerned and looking out for me. But I was used to change. If anything, change was all I knew.
“Listen, I’m going to be okay tomorrow.” Plus Becky was here to assist with the girls.
When had I ever broken down? Okay, that one time—when Natalie had first died—but the boys hadn’t witnessed it, only my mother. I’d promised myself that it wouldn’t ever happen again, and it hadn’t. Maybe my mother had told them. I wouldn’t put it past her since we were so close.
“It will be fine,” I said slowly, so they would believe me and take the hint.
This was the thing about my brothers—they were always here. When our parents had died, they had moved in to help me raise the girls. What men in their mid-twenties uprooted their lives to raise two young girls? They had. They moved around their schedules, and at the very beginning, one of them was always here in the mornings to drop the girls at school, to help Patty get them ready. Both of them had been here at every milestone, attending most of their school concerts and events.
They made sure that they were present, and the girls didn’t feel any lack of support. And I appreciated them, truly … but a big part of me felt as though I was taking away a part of their lives. The guilt was overwhelming at times. It was a natural feeling I lived with; it surrounded me, and I’d accepted the fact that it would always be there.
I didn’t need to tell them how I felt because they knew, and they disagreed, still wanting to be ever present in the girls’ lives.
“Promise. If I need you guys, I’ll call.” I threw them a small smile for good measure.
My stare bounced back and forth between them, and after a beat, Brad nodded. “Okay, I’ll say good night to the girls and pack up my stuff.”
“All right then. I’ll see you tomorrow night for dinner.” Mason patted my back, and Brad saluted me as he strolled to the foyer.
My hands fell to the edge of the sink, and I let my head hang. Patty gone would be an adjustment, but it’d be fine, right?
It had to be.
Chapter 10
Becky
Darkness surrounds me, and the rush of pressure in my ears is so overwhelming that I think my eardrums will burst.
My heart pounds, louder, faster, harder. I hear the thumps of my chest in my ears.
But what is overwhelming is the pressure. The intense pressure above me. Below me. All around me.
The worst is … I couldn’t breathe.
Could not get air into my lungs.
Could. Not. Breathe.
I lose focus.
Everything blacks out around me.
And I am floating into space, but this space feels warm and, for the first time, safe, so I welcome this space in the blackness because in the dark, in this area, there is no pain.
I let it take me. Take me under. And I know the moment the air from my lungs slowly leaves my body until I have no more air to breathe.
But then … I am jolted back to reality, struck by an impact, an unbearable pain that reminds me that this hell is my life.
Suddenly, I jerked upright on my bed, sweating profusely, breathing heavily.
My hands flew to my chest, hugging myself, keeping myself together. I took in my surroundings—the pale yellow walls, the neutral curtains—and I exhaled deeply, one big sigh of relief. This was my new room, my new employment. This wasn’t the hell I used to live in.
I inhaled deeply, taking breaths in big, overwhelming gulps.
