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I closed my eyes and exhaled a long breath. And when I opened them, I couldn’t take it anymore. It was like I had no control anymore, too much of me was involved now. “It was just a question, but when you freeze like that, I know it’s not a simple answer.”
I dipped my head, getting directly into her line of sight. Her face scrunched, and she closed her eyes tightly, shaking her head, as though she was trying to shake off a memory.
“What happened, Becky?” I urged, wanting desperately to fix it for her.
Whatever it was, I would fix it. That was my job. I was the fixer, and I’d be damned if I couldn’t do it for her.
When she opened her eyes, they were resolute. “I can’t take this, Charles.” She placed the envelope on the kitchen counter.
I gripped her wrist, not letting her leave me just yet. She could only get so far in my house. “Stop. It’s yours, no strings attached.”
She jerked back and let out a shaky sigh. I could read all the emotions on her face, unshielded to me now. Raw, unfiltered pain fired behind her eyes, and all of me wanted to erase the distance between us and hold her and take it away.
“You say that … but there are. There are always strings attached, and in this instance, what you want … I can’t give it to you.” Her breathing accelerated. “Because where you want me to go is somewhere it took me a long time to bury. It’s a place I don’t want to visit anymore when I’m awake because, as you know … it already haunts me in my sleep.” She shook her head. “So, no, Charles. I know you mean well. But no. I’m sorry.” Then, she stormed out of the kitchen, leaving me speechless and hurt.
My head dropped to my hands, and I rubbed at my brow, frustrated and sad and disappointed.
This was never going to work. None of it. Because she was right; there were strings attached. I wanted more, which meant I had to know her to love her. The woman who had stormed out of here had secrets buried deep, and although I wanted to know her, she was not letting me in. Maybe she never would.
So, any hope in a future together had disappeared the moment she shut me out and walked out of the room.
Chapter 23
Becky
I hated this. The silence, the distance, the unnatural way we floated around each other. For the past few days, we would go about our routine, but in separate headspaces, no longer connected, no longer enjoying each other’s company. It was misery. I was starting to question everything. But I couldn’t be forthcoming with Charles. I just couldn’t. Which meant this silence might continue forever.
I can do this, right?Stay here, with this tension in my chest every time I saw him?
I shook my head, watching the girls swim in their Olympic-sized pool.
I had to do this. This was my job. Now, all I had to do was keep things strictly professional between Charles and me, and I’d be fine.
I walked closer to the edge of the pool, seeing my reflection in the ripple of water. Just being this close made a hollow pit in my stomach. I hated the water. It held so much of my fears, brought back so many unwanted memories.
Paul.
I squeezed my eyes shut to dispel his name, his face, his memory. I wanted no part of him in my life, not even a sliver.
After school, the girls had asked if they could go swimming, and I wanted to tell them no. I wanted to take them anywhere else. I wanted to offer them ice cream instead or take them to the local fudge shop.
The first thing I asked was if they could swim, to which they both replied, “Yes.”
So, even though I didn’t know how to swim, I’d told them as long as they stayed in the shallow part, then I would allow it.
It was an unusually warm fall day. What I’d learned in the short time I’d lived in Illinois was that the temperature could change twenty degrees within a span of a few days. Today, it was eighty-five degrees, so the kids wanted to take advantage of the warmer weather. I guessed it really didn’t matter, as the pool was heated.
So, as the sun beat down fiercely on the exposed skin of my one-piece, I slathered Mary and Sarah with sunscreen and then myself and watched them swim back and forth, splashing, enjoying each other and the water, as they should.
I stood at the side, arms crossed like a lifeguard, knowing that if anything were to happen to the girls, I’d most likely die, trying to save them.
Sarah was on her swim team, so I wasn’t worried about her, and even though Mary had said she could swim, I wasn’t risking it and had her wearing floaties.
“Becky, get in,” Sarah tried to coax me, eyes alight, floating on her back.
“I think I’m okay here.” I lifted my hair and secured it to the top of my head in a high bun. It was a muggy day, and if I actually knew how to swim, jumping in would have been a good idea.
“Look at me! I can hold my breath underwater.” Mary stuck her head under the surface, and I walked farther down to where she was, anxiety prickling my skin.
