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What I don't understand is why she had to leave school and abandon her future for it. What happened to the money? Granted, I didn't ever see her father's bank accounts, but for her to have attended Rodham, I had to assume she came from a fair amount of wealth. So to have it vanish, just like that, upon his death, makes little sense to me.
“I do, actually. If it helps at all, I know what it’s like. Both of my parents have passed away now, too. I understand what it’s like to be alone.”
Emily looks up at me, so many unspoken questions and answers undoubtedly running through her mind. It takes everything I have to keep my own composure.
“Sorry for exploding like that,” she softly chuckles through barely-held-back tears.
“No, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm really sorry, Emily,” I offer. “I didn't know.”
I reach across the table and offer my hand. She takes it in hers, and I run my thumb across the back of her knuckles. She stares at our intertwined hands for a moment, saying nothing. From the look on her face, I can't tell what she's thinking or feeling. All I know is that having her hand in mine again, feeling that physical connection between us, has set off a bomb inside of me. There is a whirlwind of feeling and sensation within me – one I surprisingly can't say is unpleasant.
Emily seems to come back to herself with a small shake of her head. She pulls her hand away from mine and sits back in her seat, her eyes fixed on the tabletop, staring at it as if she can't quite bring herself to meet my gaze again.
She shakes her head. “It's fine. It was years ago now. I've – adjusted my expectations for life.”
Her voice is tight, her body is tense, and tears shimmer in her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall. Emily is a proud woman. A strong woman. It's something I've always admired about her. But I can see that she keeps everything bottled up inside and rarely lets anything out, choosing to suffer in silence.
It's a state of being I'm pretty familiar with, myself.
Still, I have so many questions. There's still so much left unexplained. But as I look at her and see that stubborn set to her jaw and slightly uplifted chin, I know no more answers are forthcoming today. I know her well enough to know when she's done discussing something. I also know her well enough to not push her when she gets to that point.
At least she provided me with some insight into questions I've had for years. Not much, but a little. She's also ignited my curiosity about what she's gone through. She may not want to tell me, but I aim to find out, if for no other reason than to understand her more fully. And it may be some time yet before I truly uncover the reason our breakup was so nasty.
I feel like she and I are taking some slow, gradual steps down that path, and I can already feel the mutual attraction between us. I can feel that connection we shared back in the day being reignited. It's a slow burn right now, but I think we're moving closer to being something more substantial. And before I let myself get too deep into it, I want to know who I'm dealing with. I want to understand her more completely.
I need this, simply because being near her again, even after all this time, still makes me feel things I can't explain and don't understand. She remains a mystery to me in so many ways. And if there's one thing I can't abide, it's a mystery.
Maybe it's a flaw of mine, but I've never been one to fully let myself feel without understanding.
Chapter Fourteen
Emily
What in the hell was I thinking? What was I even doing? I don't open up to people like that. Well, nobody outside of Olivia, anyway. I can't believe I didn't shut down that conversation with Aaron the moment it started. I should have. Normally, I would have.
So why didn't I?
I'm driving home, my head full of conflicting thoughts and emotions. The world passing by is little more than a blur and I'm not really focusing on the road before me. It's a wonder I haven't hit anybody yet. I seriously don't know what to make of anything right now. I honestly can't remember the last time I was this confused about – anything, really. I usually have myself buttoned down pretty well and am able to hold myself in check no matter the circumstances.
But today at lunch, that wasn't the case. I may not have said a whole lot, but I said more than I wanted to. Somehow, Aaron found his way in through the cracks in my armor and drew me out a bit. I can't count the number of times I've told myself since taking this job that I won't fall back into things with him. Or how many times I told myself that what we shared back in college was best left in the past.
Yet, over the past few weeks, I can't deny, that I'm seeing a different side of him. Back then, he was cocky, arrogant, and full of bluster. And he still is those things, to be sure. But time has softened him somewhat. Oh, he's still cocky and arrogant at times, but there's more depth to him now. He's grown and matured in ways I wasn't entirely sure he ever would.
I'd be lying if I said there weren't good qualities about Aaron back in the day. If there hadn't been, I never would have dated him to begin with. But there were times – most often when he was around his boys, his small group of five – that he was like somebody else. Like somebody I barely knew. When he was with them, he could be loud, obnoxious, and very full of himself. It was a side of Aaron I really didn't enjoy being around.
Although there are still traces of that in him today, they seem to be more echoes than anything. Faint glimmers of an era gone by. His cockiness today is less about posturing and bluster than it is about him just being very self-assured. He's good at what he does, his company is a massive success, and he knows it. Plus, as he looks to expand the reach of Frontline, he has to really project that image of confidence and assuredness. That's what clients want to see.
When he's not in the public eye, he's different than he used to be. He seems a bit more caring and even sensitive. It's hard for me to put into words, but there is a new depth and dimension to his personality that I never saw or felt back when we were in college. He takes great pains to hide it and to keep anybody from seeing it, but every now and then, that mask of indifference he wears slips and I see it.
I think about him pressing me at lunch for details about why I left school and why I'm working as a PA. He knows I always wanted to be a lawyer, and that I had plans for my life. And what I got from him when he was pressing me was not so much a feeling of him wanting to know just to satisfy his own curiosity. It was a feeling of him wanting to know because he actually cares.
I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it or seeing things that aren't there. That's the point, though. Aaron has me so turned around, sometimes I feel like I don't know up from down. And the worst part about it is – I don't entirely hate the feeling.
I've been trying to close it off and ignore it, but the simple truth is that the more time I spend with Aaron, the more I'm finding myself attracted to him. Not just physically – he's always been a strikingly beautiful man. It's more than that. On a deeper level, I'm finding myself drawn to him. And the feeling is even more compelling than it was back in college.
Which is a problem for me.
I didn't take this job to fall back into a relationship with Aaron. I didn't take it to get into a relationship with anybody. I took this job for one reason and one reason alone – it pays enough to allow me to finally finish my education and get my law degree. It's going to allow me to finally get on with my life. My real life.
