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The one thing clear to me is that I still have feelings for Aaron. And that I'm perhaps searching for some way to make them stop. If he'd told me he had slept with Martha after all, it would have made it all so much easier. I would have been able to label him as ‘untrustworthy’ and file him away in a box in the back of my mind. It would have made it easier to snuff out those feelings.
But knowing now that it was all just a bunch of miscommunications and misunderstandings, the fact that he quite obviously still has feelings for me – and that I quite obviously still have feelings for him – is throwing everything in my head into chaos. I want to shut it all down. I'm not looking to be with anybody right now – not when I have my own life to figure out.
But there's something inside of me that can't quite force me to shut it down. My head is telling me to steer clear and avoid any sort of romantic entanglement. It tells me I'm not ready. I'd be foolish to indulge in the feelings that are careening around inside of me.
However, my heart is telling me something completely different. It's telling me that if I'm not ready now, when will I be? Somewhere deep inside of me, I know that there's a reason Aaron and I were brought into each other's orbits again – as improbable as it was – and that I'd be stupid to walk away from all of those feelings that somehow remain intact after all these years, a second time.
It's all so confusing. I don't know what to make of anything. But the way Aaron looks at me, with a light of something akin to adoration burning in his face, makes me want to give in to my feelings and give myself over to him. That flutter in my belly tells me that I have the chance to address something I've regretted for a long while now.
I raise my wine glass and give him a warm smile. He raises his drink and returns the gesture.
“And what is it we're drinking to?” he inquires.
“How about to starting over? To laying down those things that weigh us down,” I muse. “And to leaving the past in the past – to starting fresh.”
His eyes sparkle in the candlelight as he looks at me. “I can definitely drink to that.”
Chapter Nineteen
Emily
I'm not drunk, but I definitely have enough alcohol flowing through me to lower those high, thick walls I keep around myself. I'm back to feeling relaxed and good – much how I was feeling before our conversation in the restaurant turned so serious.
After finishing dinner, we wandered into the lounge for a nightcap. The conversation turned lighter – dare I say, even a little flirty? Something shifted inside of me, maybe inside both of us – something we left back at the restaurant table for the busboys to carry away.
I can't explain what it is precisely we left behind, but it sort of feels like it was the weight of the past we've both been carrying. I can't say it's an unpleasant feeling. Somehow, in releasing the burden of our shared past, it almost feels like I've shed much more than that. I somehow feel lighter and freer than I have in years.
It makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe it's just the alcohol talking – and maybe I'll feel differently in the morning – but in the moment, right now, I feel like by saying those words we toasted with, I really have somehow freed myself from those burdens that have been weighing me down for so long. Maybe by acknowledging, out loud, that I allowed myself to be trapped within a prison of the past, I gave myself the key to free myself from it.
It seems crazy. Ridiculous, really. You can't just drop all of your burdens like that and be done with them – can you? I really don't know, but I feel better and more in control of myself than I have in a very long time, so I'm just going to go with it. Being free from all of the darkness and negativity that I've toted around inside of me all these years is an incredible feeling. One I can really get used to.
“I guess we should call it a night,” Aaron mentions as he takes a swallow of his drink. “Big day tomorrow.”
I look at him over the rim of my wine glass. “Why exactly did you bring me on this trip?” I ask. “I mean, it's not like I'm doing any actual work.”
He shrugs. “I thought that just in case I had some emergency, it would be a good idea to have you around,” he explains. “If I'm stuck in that meeting and need something picked up, at least I can rest easy knowing you'll handle it.”
I give him a leonine grin. “And how often do these emergencies come up?”
His grin is telling. “Not often,” he admits. “But knowing I have backup is comforting.”
“Uh huh,” I tease. “Backup. And by backup, you actually mean somebody to have dinner and drinks with.”
“Hey, it's lonely on the road sometimes,” he faux-pouts. “It's nice to have a dinner companion. It gets a bit old talking to myself.”
I look around the lounge and see no shortage of gorgeous women milling about. I look from them to him very pointedly. More than a few of them are casting furtive glances his way, while others are being a little less discrete about their interest. Amazing. They don't know I'm just his PA, but even with me sitting here, they're all but throwing their panties at him.
“I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have had to talk to yourself if you were otherwise inclined,” I remark.
He shrugs. “Most of them can't hold a decent conversation,” he comments. “And some of them, you pay for the conversation by the hour – and that's not really my thing.”
He tips me a wink and I feel my cheeks flare with heat as I catch his meaning. He drains the last of his glass and stands up. Setting my nearly empty wineglass down, I join him. Together, we walk out of the lounge – no doubt, leaving many disappointed women in our wake. As I leave the lounge with Aaron, I almost want to turn around and blow them a kiss or something to rub it in their faces.
But, it's not like I'm going back to his room with him – and I'm not that petty.
With his hand gently resting on the small of my back, Aaron guides me toward the bank of elevators. The hotel we're staying in is incredible and completely five-star, high class. For somebody as down to earth as he normally is, Aaron is not one who skimps on the luxuries.
The door chimes, slides open, and we step into the empty car. Aaron leans forward and hits the button for our floor and steps back. He turns, giving me a small smile. I can't help but feel the electric tension in the air between us. It's not the awkward silence from before. No, this is different in a way I can't really put my finger on.
