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Claire laughs. “Especiallyme and Johnny.” She shakes her head and smiles. “The shit we kept from each other was unreal. And there’s still times when I have to shake information out of him. A relationship like ours isn’t without its complications.”
Complications.Is that what my guys and I are going through? Just a natural rough patch that is exasperated by being with multiple men who are also running a massive criminal syndicate?
I’ve honestly never been in a relationship before. So even if this was normal, I wouldn’t know. It doesn’tfeellike shit everyone else goes through. But who am I to make assumptions like that?
“I had no idea,” I tell her. “I thought you guys were solid.”
"Oh, we are. There isn't a damn thing that could get between us. But that doesn't mean we haven't gone through hell to get here. We both kept secrets, some much darker and more dangerous than others. Some I had no idea how we would ever overcome." Claire chews at her lip. "But there comes a point where you have to make a decision. You have to decide if bearing it all is worth risking everything in hopes of making it work. Love is more powerful than you think, J. And if there's enough of it, there isn't anything you can't conquer."
Claire glances over her shoulder at Johnny for a moment.
I consider her words, letting the weight of them sink in.
There is no lack of love when it comes to how I feel about my men, but what if I’m the only one pouring my heart into us? I can’t do it on my own. Not when they push me away every chance they get, only to pull me close when I’m one foot out the door. They hook me back in just enough to keep me on the line, letting me drift away until it’s time to do it again. We can’t maintain a relationship like that. And I can’t deal with the mental mind-fuckery it brings.
Simon is right—this situation has been impacting me in more ways than I let on. I have lost weight. I have been more anxious and depressed than usual. I have resorted to harming myself when I need to feelsomething. And I’ve only felt relatively at peace when I’ve been inflicting pain on someone else. There’s a darkness that’s settled over me, and I underestimated just how intense it was.
“Did Johnny ever doubt you?” I ask her. “Like question whether you had what it takes to be inthisworld.”
Claire nods. “Yep. Pissed me off, too. Especially when I proved myself more times than not.”
“Exactly.” I reach out and grab her forearm. “They do the same shit to me.”
“Oh, and I’m sure it’s even worse coming from four of them.”
I pull my arm away and tuck my hair behind my ear. “Three, more so. Simon and I aren’t together.”
“Could have fooled me. The guy is in love with you.”
My heart thuds wildly in my chest. “That obvious?”
“Pretty sure he’s trying to stare a hole through my head to get a look at you right now.” Claire chuckles and sets her bottle of water on the table, exposing Simon, who is doing exactly what she had said.
I reach up and graze my fingers along the necklace, skimming them over the scar on my chest, the one that matches the entry wound in my back from the night I was shot trying to kill Simon.
His men were only doing what they thought was right, but Coen and Simon made sure not a single person responsible for that near-death experience lived another day. I didn't learn about Coen's rampage until after I had come out of surgery, and it was a few months before I heard Simon had eliminated the guy who actually pulled the trigger.
He had fled that night, sneaking out a back door when the commotion erupted in the council mansion. That man never should have had a gun to begin with, but he did. And when he saw me about to drive the dagger into Simon’s chest, he shot me in the back.
Luckily for me, his aim wasn’t the best. Had he been a hair farther to the left, he would have hit my lung straight through. He still nicked it, causing me to nearly bleed out, but the surgeon was able to repair the damage and patch me up before I could drown in my own blood.
“Hey,” I say to Claire. “Have you ever met the council wives?”
Claire rolls her eyes. “Stuck up bitches with too much money and ego if you ask me.”
“It’s like you’re reading my mind.”
“I’m so glad that’s just a west coast thing. Why they give the power to those women, I will never know.”
I always thought it was a rather strange set-up they had. To give the wives the power to make massive decisions for the organization the way they do. Some of them don’t even have the knowledge of the inner workings more than just surface level. It seemed flawed, but who was I to raise those concerns when I barely knew anything myself?
Claire hasn’t been in the life much longer than I have, but given her intimate relationship with the head of the east coast, she’s knowledgeable enough to have that kind of opinion.
“Supposedly,” Claire continues. “Franklin’s wife was the one who stuck her neck out for Johnny back in the day. But something always felt off about her. About her motives, you know?”
“I’m so sorry for what he did to you guys.” I shake my head. “I’ve heard stories, and I don’t know how much is true, but the shit he put you through. It’s terrible.”
Claire repositions herself. “Franklin was a sick man. The world is a better place without him.”
