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“I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me.”
I scoff. “How dare you try to get off the hook that easily.”
Coen sighs. “J, I owe you an apology.”
“For almost dying? Yeah, you do.”
“No.” He wraps his hand around mine. “For so many things.” Coen clears his throat. “For leaving you all those years ago. For not coming back sooner. For doubting you. For treating you like shit. For making you doubtme. I-I can’t tell you how hard this has been. To watch you fall in love with the most dangerous men in this entire state. I still see you as this sweet little girl who gave me a handful of flowers. I never wanted that to change. I thought I was protecting you. I thought that if I pushed you away, that maybe you’d figure it out for yourself. That you were better off without us. With someone else. Someone safe. Someonegood.”
“Co…”
“No, J. I’m not finished.” He coughs and the pulse on his monitor rises. “I understand if you can’t ever forgive me, but I need you to know how sorry I am. For everything. I am forever a better man because of you, and I have done nothing to earn that love. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. And I’m so fucking sorry I ever took it for granted. I don’t expect you to respond or even give me an ounce of your time, but Magnus, he never wanted to keep this from you. He’s never doubted you from the start. You can be mad at me. You can be mad at Dom. But Magnus had nothing to do with it.”
My heart matches the frenzied rhythm of his.
Coen continues, “And as much as I hate to admit this, Simon had nothing to do with it either. He’s the man you should be with. Not me. He cares about you more than anything and he would never do the things I’ve done to you. You’re safe with him. Your heart is safe with him.”
“Co…”
“You don’t need my permission, J, you’re smart enough to make decisions on your own. But you need to know, all I want is for you to be happy. And if being with him is what it takes, then I will step aside and let that happen.” He pauses and adds, “Okay, I’m done. I’m sorry for interrupting you. I just needed to get that off my chest before I pass out or something.”
I hold onto his hand and look up at him while chewing the inside of my lip to stop the tears that want to break free. “I do have feelings for him, Co. You’re not wrong. Simon was there for me when none of you were. He never pushed me away or lied to me. He gave me space when I needed it, and he was there when I didn’t know I needed it. He’s probably been the only thing to keep me from completely losing my mind these past few months. I never meant for us to become anything other than what we started out as, and I never intended on crossing that line with him.
“And you’re right. I am pissed at you. And Dominic. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him, especially when he refuses to acknowledge that he’s done anything wrong. Magnus has made it clear what he wants. And he’s apologized every step of the way. He’s even tried to form some kind of relationship with Simon, treating him more like an equal than his enemy. I don’t blame him for being coerced by Dominic. But you, you acted on your own. Pushing me away and saying cruel things. You were unrecognizable, and I don’t know if that was an act, or you doing everything in your power to make me hate you.” I bite at my lip, tugging it into my mouth and rolling it between my teeth. “I’m not afraid of dying, or being kidnapped, or even tortured. But the version of you lately, the one you’ve insisted on being. He’s scared me, Co. And it worries me that that’s the real you.”
“J…” Tears well in Coen’s eyes. “You know me. You know the real me. I would never…”
“Hurt me?” I tilt my head to the side. “But you did.” I nod. “And you keep hurting me. And I don’t know what to do with that, Coen. I love you, I always have, but Christ, should love be this painful?”
“No.” He wipes at my cheek with his thumb. “It shouldn’t. And I will forever be sorry for that.”
I sniffle. “You did a foolish thing by jumping in front of that bullet, Coen.”
“I disagree.”
“Why?” I stare up at him. “Why did you do it?”
His blue gaze trails back and forth between mine. “Because he’s the better man, J. And if it had to be me or him, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“I can live without you, Co, I did it for a decade. But I don’twantto. Not ever again. Don’t you see that?” I swallow down the pain I’ve suppressed these past ten years. “You can’t leave me.”
The door to Coen’s room opens and a nurse walks in. “Mr. Hayes. Nice to see you’re awake. How are you feeling?” She checks his chart and writes something on it.
“Fine,” he lies to her.
“I see.” She glances up from the clipboard of his paperwork. “Another dose of morphine should be settling in any second now.” She steadies her gaze on me. “You should let him rest.”
"Right, yeah." I release his hand and snatch a tissue from the box on the table and blot my nose. "Of course."
Coen reaches for me, his eyes growing heavy from the exhaustion and medication taking hold. “I love you, J,” he manages to get out before his arm falls to his side.
“Is that normal?” I ask the nurse.
“To be in love?” She raises a brow at me.
“No, for him to pass out like that.”
She marks something else off on his chart. "Yep. He had a cocktail mix of sedatives and pain medication. In this early stage, he should rest as much as possible."
