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I draw in one last breath. I have never talked about this with anyone.
“I was five when it started. It went on for a year on and off. It was one of my parents’ friends. They knew it was happening. I was too young to know what sexual abuse is, but I knew whatever it was it shouldn’t have been happening.” The thought of that bastard still makes my skin crawl to this day. I can remember his smell, and recall the evilness in his eyes, how they looked dead.
“Your parents allowed him to hurtyou?” The shock is evident not only in her voice but reflected on her face, which I am sure is a natural response from someone with a heart when you tell them what happened.
“Yes. In return for using me he would buy them drugs or give them money, which they would spend on drugs. They were crackheads. I tried to fight it at first, but I stopped because anytime I did, it made it worse for me. My dad would beat me. My parents would sit in the living room or outside with the music on while he came into my room.” The same sick feeling takes over me, a shudder runs through me. It is wrong on so many levels how my parents just stood by, not saying a word.
“I am so sorry, Ezra, no one was there to protect you,” she says, tears in her eyes. “I will never understand how anyone could do that, especially parents.”
“Me either, angel. But like you said, I can’t let what he did to me ruin the rest of my life. I have kept it to myself for all these years because I haven’t felt comfortable or trusted anyone enough to tell them. It feels like a weight has been lifted speaking with you about it. I still have a long way to go, but I want to work on it. Maybe we can work through it together?” I suggest it because I genuinely believe we can help one another.
“No, you can’t, he isn’t worth it, and you deserve so much more than letting the scars from your past define you. Didn’t social workers find out once they took you away?” she asks softly.
“No. By the time they took me away there wasn’t any evidence of it since it had happened years before. I wasn’t showing any signs of sexual abuse, neglect and physical yes, but not that, and I never brought it up. He never raped me, but I think he knew if he did, if it ever came out or I told someone, there would be physical signs of him hurting me. Instead, he got his kicks out of touching me, forcing me to do things to him. He did try one night when he was high on drugs, but thankfully he couldn’t, and he didn’t try it again.” Tears are brimming in my eyes, and I am trying to fight them back because I have never been one for crying.
Alana reaches in, wiping my cheek, and it is only then I realize the tears escaped from my eyes. “Sorry. I am a grown-ass man. I shouldn’t be crying.” I am embarrassed by it and turn away from her.
“Ezra, don’t ever apologise for showing emotions, especially in front of me. You have been to hell and back. It is okay to get upset, to cry.” She places her finger on my chin, tilting my head back to make me look at her and she kisses me softly. “It isn’t anything to get embarrassed over, baby boy.”
I am taken back by her reaction because she is the first woman who has encouraged me to show my emotions.
“You don’t think it makes me weak?” I can’t help but question.
“No. You are not weak, Ezra. You are strong,” she states firmly, looking me straight in the eyes. “I hate knowing you went through it all alone.”
The amount of empathy she has makes me fall for her more. Her heart is so pure, despite the people who seem to have done nothing but hurt her in the past.
“I struggled with it for years, and I still do, not on the level I used to. I went off the rails and put my parents through hell. I am surprised they didn’t send me back. I got into a lot of trouble at school, fighting or skipping. I was expelled more than once. The older I got, I turned to drink, drugs, and casual sex as coping mechanisms.”
Looking back at what I did, I feel guilty for what I put my family through, but I didn’t know how else to deal with it.
“And now?” Alana asks softly.
“I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I am far from perfect, but I did start to calm down in my mid-twenties. Yes, I still drink and party, but I haven’t touched drugs in seven years or been in trouble with the law.” It has been a long road, and there is still a long way to go, but each step is progress to being better than I was.
“I am proud of you for getting to where you are. You should be proud of yourself too. We can overcome it together.” She smiles, planting a soft kiss on my lips.
“Thank you, those words mean more to me than you will ever know, angel. I am proud of you too. And yes, we can work through it together.”
I have a strong feeling in my heart and my gut that we will be okay if we help each other through our pasts. We can find our strength from one another. I have never experienced such a connection with someone or trusted someone the way I do with Alana. The circumstances in which we met probably weren’t the best, but I truly believe we were supposed to meet and find a way into each other’s lives.
I wakeup from my nap on the sofa with Ezra. We fell asleep after our talk, both emotionally exhausted. I am lying on his chest, and his arms are protectively wrapped around me. I don’t want to move, but I need to pee, so I sort of have to.
I make sure to be careful as I remove myself from his arms because I don’t want to wake him. Luckily I manage to move without waking him. I reach for my cell, and when I check the time, I gasp realizing it is four o’clock in the afternoon. We had slept for three hours.
I believe we needed to talk about what happened to us since we have kept it inside ourselves for so long. It means we aren’t alone in our struggles now. My heart broke for him. I hate how no one cared for him when he was a kid, and his parents let that evil man hurt him. He is going to be okay, though. Ezra still has a long road of healing ahead, but he is stronger than he realizes. His confidence is a façade, his way of hiding behind the truth. I am not saying he isn’t a confident man, because he is, but not on the level he likes to show everyone else.
I sneak away, searching for the bathroom. It takes a moment, but I finally find it. I swear I need a GPS for this place. I head in and do what I need to take care of.
I walk over to the sink and stand in front of it. I glance around and notice some of Bella’s beauty products and perfume bottles lying on the vanity like a child’s discarded toys. A part of me wants to move everything out of the way, but it isn’t really my place. It makes me remember Ezra still has a girlfriend. I had forgotten about her for a little while. I wash my hands and splash some cold water on my face before finding my way back to the living room.
Ezra hasn’t moved an inch. I decide I won’t wake him up, not yet.
I sit on the floor in front of the couch and study him closely for a moment. He is such a beautiful man, close to perfect. I still wonder sometimes about his interest in me. I smile and reach out, I gently stroke his face.
“Please, don’t break my heart, Ezra,” I whisper. Things will be different when he ends things with Bella, if he ends them. I sigh, pulling away and rest my back against the sofa.
“I won’t. I promise.” The sound of his voice behind me makes me jump because I thought he was still asleep. “Sorry, angel. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
