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“So I got the gist of what happened, but you talked to him, Leah. You know he’s just a little dented and will be fine,” Carter said.
Leah rolled to her back so she could see him standing in her doorway. “Intellectually, yes. In every other possible way, no. You weren’t there. You didn’t hear his body hit the floor. See him lying there.” She squeezed her eyes shut, a few tears escaping down her cheeks. “I know I didn’t see Chase and my family when they died, but my mind conjures up an image of all four of them lying just like that. It’s bloodier and darker and rolls like a gory movie in my head, but the feelings it dredges up are intense and devastating and… and… ah, shit.”
She couldn’t breathe. Her chest was all locked up. A deep inhale was impossible.
Carter was beside her in a flash. “Leah, look at me. Look at me.”
Her gaze snapped to his, a wild panic growing inside her as she fought for air.
“There’s no physical reason for you to be having trouble breathing. You can control this. What happened tonight is not about Chase and your family.”
Isn’t it though? Isn’t it exactly about that?
It was clear after tonight that the horror of losing Chase and her family would never be fully purged from her psyche. It would haunt her. Always. She completely understood that Dakota was okay. For right now anyway. What she couldn’t predict was if he’d stay okay. This fall hadn’t done him in, but couldn’t something bigger and badder be around the corner, waiting to take him away from her? She’d be an idiot to get in any deeper with him, to risk her heart.
She had to stop seeing him.
With that decision cycling around in her head, she managed to regulate her breathing and get back into the rhythm of in and out, in and out. That didn’t make her chest hurt any less though.
“Leah, you said this town was healing you,” Carter said, “and I saw it firsthand. You are better here than you were in New York and so am I. It’s why I want to stay. You can’t let the risk of losing someone you love—and youdolove Dakota, Leah—keep you from giving your heart what it needs.”
“What does it need?”
“A second chance.”
She inhaled deeply now that she could and pushed up to lean against the headboard behind her. Damn, her head was pounding. “That’s what I was doing, Carter.” She thrust her arms out to her sides. “See where that got me? I’m no better than I was after we first lost Chase and my family. No better. I’m still that scared shell of a person. Any progress I made here was a damn illusion.”
“You’re telling me the way Dakota feels about you is an illusion?” Carter shook his head. “Not buying it, sweetheart. That man is in love with you. He’s good for you too. I’ll admit to being jealous of him. I had intentions to make you mine, but after seeing the two of you together, he’s the right one for you. Not me.” He stood. “If you throw this away because you’re too scared to make the leap, you’re…” he raked his hands through his hair, “well, you’re foolish.”
The wordfoolishhit her like a slap to the face. Why was he so angry? What right did he have to comment on any of this anyway?
Carter swiveled to head for the door, but his phone rang so he stopped at the end of Leah’s bed. “It’s Dena.” He scanned the screen. “She said Dakota has a broken arm as we knew. They’re putting him in a cast and releasing him.” He looked at her over his shoulder. “You should go to him, Leah. As bad as you’re feeling right now, imagine how he feels thinking he’s plunged you into a sea of bad memories.”
Leah stared at his back as he left her bedroom. She rested her throbbing head on the headboard and rolled it to the left. To the right. To center. That didn’t make things any clearer.
Carter was right though. She had to go see Dakota. Make sure he was okay. See it with her own two eyes.
She also had to tell him it was over in person.
Carter was wrong. Her heart didn’t need a second chance… especially not with someone like Dakota who was a natural risk taker. He’d just been hanging decorations and had nearly ended himself. She didn’t want to speculate on the number of ways he could be killed chasing the adventures he loved so much.
Besides, she couldn’t travel. Dakota deserved someone who was his true match. Someone who was brave enough to hop on a plane and go anywhere with him. Not someone who would stand on the sidelines and constantly have to say goodbye. Not someone who would only give some of herself to him instead of all of herself.
She made a quick stop in the bathroom then grabbed her keys. “Carter?”
When he didn’t answer, she assumed he’d left. He’d appeared disgusted with her. Maybe he didn’t want to be around her right now.
That makes two of us.If she could leave her body and jump into another one that wasn’t so messed up, she would. She’d find a nice, normal body—one that could love Dakota the way he deserved to be loved.
“Your mommy sucks, Fey.” She rubbed the soft fur between the kitten’s ears then scooped up her purse from the kitchen island. She unzipped the side pocket and pulled out the engagement ring Chase had given her. Seeing it made her chest tighten again so she shoved it back into the pocket and sealed it away.
Unfortunately the terrible memories couldn’t be as easily contained.
****
The drive to Dakota’s house took longer than usual. That was due, most likely, to her circling his neighborhood six times before actually turning down his street and pulling up to his cabin. This was too hard. She probably should pack up all her stuff and move again. Maybe try another town where she would stick to her personal rules and not form any meaningful relationships. Perhaps she could get a job supporting an online educational company. Virtual teaching was a thing, right?
She’d miss this place though. The charm. The natural beauty. Heidi and Kyle. Her students. Maplehaven had embraced her like a warm hug, but even that heat hadn’t been able to thaw her heart back to life all the way. She was so tired of being half a person. That was all she was capable of though. She knew that now. Had documented proof.
